AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

This is the sum total of the communication you and your partner have had about this? You raising doubts, him saying let’s crack on, you seemingly agreeing?

I can see why you're worried, but ignoring the problems in the relationship won't help. Cancel the wedding and tell him exactly why. You are in the thick of it with baby twins, not an easy time in a relationship, but maybe it could be the wakeup call he needs to actually work on this relationship.

Oh OP, I could have written your post word for word, other than the fact that I didn't have twins! I called it off. Didn't separate immediately, but I sat him down and said, at the rate we're going we're going to end up divorced, so let's call it off and work on the relationship. I made an effort and he didn't so we split a year later and I've never looked back. It's been 7 years, he hasn't seen his son for 5 of them (his choice) and I'm married to a man who would move heaven and earth for me and a child who isn't biologically his.

Good luck today in making this happen. It will be a tough day but you are doing the right thing in cancelling.

A work friend of mine called her wedding off two weeks before and we were all incredibly relieved. We knew she wasn't getting married for the right reasons but we weren't good enough friends to come right out and say please don't. No one had anything except admiration for her and respect for how hard it was to make that decision. She was really worried about how her parents and family would react but they also were very relieved.

I couldn't say it to her because she didn't ask but I'll say to you please don't. He won't become any less useless but you've done a massive chunk of the hard bit with your twins. Mine are nearly eight and are such a joy to be around now. Under 2 was a lot but it gets easier and easier and you don't need him. Think of the peace of having a home just the three of you, without his stuff, his mess, his moods and his presence.

Cancel the wedding. Have a sentence ready for anyone who asks why ‘I was having doubts about the relationship for a long time and couldn’t go
through with it.’

I was a (to-be) guest at a cancelled wedding years ago, with 6 weeks notice ( I was a plus one). When I heard that the wedding was cancelled I was mildly irritated as I had booked travel and accommodation. We still went ahead with the trip, ( which I still enjoyed, despite no wedding.)

Don’t let others’ mild irritation be your guide to keeping the wedding , rather than your own immense distress.

Don’t do it. You need to put yourself & children 1st.
Yes money will be lost (it’ll be lost navigating a divorce & everything that goes with it)
it won’t be embarrassing -people will care if you’re ok & respect you for standing up & saying no I don’t want this.
being miserable, resentful & divorced isn’t a prospect you knowingly walk into

be brave,
good luck xx

I don’t get some pp are saying postpone instead of cancel. She’s clearly repulsed by this man who is a shit father. Men often tend to get worse not better as time goes on. This is the best it’s ever gonna get. Why would she marry him?

And as an aside her guests will be more annoyed her saying she wants to “reschedule” than cancel.

It’s easier to accept, losing money on say a flight or hotel booking because someone has backed out as she/he can’t bear to get married than they just want to faff about with the date.

Additionally it is kind of leading her partner on if she postpones and doesn’t cancel when it’s clear she’s no longer in love and doesn’t enjoy the relationship.

Divorce would be more expensive and more hassle than calling off the wedding.

Have you ever raised the issue of him being totally useless with his children and leaving everything in the house up to you?

His recent bereavement makes it more difficult to call the wedding off but it would be a huge mistake to marry someone who makes you so unhappy.

Do you have any family that you can speak to for support?

Don’t get married. Getting divorced is HUGE PTA. Much better to call it off now and everyone can live with that. It’s hard but if you have any doubts at all- don’t.

If you cancel the wedding it’s likely the relationship will end too, is that what you want to happen?

I stayed with exh 10 years because I was too embarrassed to leave. that was around 20 years ago and even now that seems like a blip i can’t even remember being with him really although obviously at the time it was tough.
You deserve more than putting up with someone, yes you are in the tough part but if you don’t ever see a glimpse of what the two of you used to be and you don’t feel like that could come back it’s best to leave now.

Call it off it's been two years his not going to get better much easier to call it off than go through divorce later the honeymoons over and you've seen how it will be if you stay

Call it off. Split up. Sort out child maintenance and finances.

You'll feel so much happier once you've done this

It is the bravest and hardest thing to do right now, but it will be nowhere near as hard as divorcing further down the track.

Get your little support bubble around you and go for it. People will genuinely understand.

Call it off for both your sake and his. People will admire you for being honest and courageous

Calling it off now will alot easier. Do not marry someone you don't want to marry. Just leave. You can't stay together to save face forever

A wedding is a lifelong commitment to the person you love and want to be with.

Also raising children together. It's more of a joint agreement what you both want to do.

Do you love him still? Do you want his last name for all your life? If no then maybe calling it off isn't going to hurt. You will both get some of your wedding costs back.

It’s easier to call off a wedding than end a marriage.

Call it off. One of my friends went through with a wedding she didn’t want and the marriage was awful.

Don’t do it. Make it clear to everyone that it’s been ever since the babies were born and you were just too busy coping solo to think about it and now it’s so close you can’t not think about it and you cannot go through with it.

My friend cancelled her wedding and she got so much love and support from people, I was really proud of her for being brave enough to call a halt to it when she realized it wasn't right. And she managed to recoup some of her costs, sell her dress unworn etc.
I have another friend who got married despite a huge betrayal by her fiance a month before the wedding 'because it was all booked so we had to go through with it' ... she spent the entire honeymoon crying and they split as soon as they got home but the divorce took 2 years and cost a fortune in solicitors fees.
I'm sure your guests would much rather you do it now so they have chance to get refunds for outfits and gifts and maybe accommodation. Some people will probably be upset about it, but the ones who love you will be happy you're choosing a life where you're no longer a skivvy for some useless man you don't even like or respect any more.
Wishing you the best of luck, whatever you decide.

This truly says everything. It may seem a huge drama to call it off but I promise 6 months from now you will be so glad you called it off.

Is living in rented acccommodation more palatable than being married to him with your own place? Given that you resent him so much you can’t bear the thought of him coming near you I suspect the rental accommodation sounds better. Given that your only assets are your jointly owned house and your pensions, I can't see that you'd be better off marrying him and then divorcing him. It is natural to have a few last minute doubts for many - I had a few - and we've been happily married over 30 years. But I think this goes way beyond that. He may have changed -some men's behaviour deteriorates when they think they have their partner securely "pinned down" with children - it is not so easy then to walk out in the face of unreasonable behaviour. For what it is worth, I would call it off and break up with him.

After reading yr first post, the initial thought I had was - this should be a happy time for you both, and it’s obviously not for you, and I’m so sorry you are not feeling the special anticipation of it all.

Undoubtedly the hardest thing in all this will be calling the wedding off, & granted that’s no small thing, it’ll be emotional, once you’ve done that though I suspect feelings of tremendous relief will follow. Feeling as you do towards your partner, then marrying him is simply wrong….for you both, but for you especially. There seem too many cracks in this relationship to imagine they will suddenly disappear after a marriage ceremony.

Good luck.