AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

Either way the money is lost

but if you marry you will be losing even more money and getting a divorce and it’s more complicated

true friends will support you and sure family will do the same

also sure close friends /bridesmaids etc won’t be too shocked

yes it will be hard but harder and more costly to divorce

I was meant to attend a wedding that was called off very last minute. Honestly, I had nothing but respect for them. So many people go through with bad marriages and these are vows you are taking. They are both happier and it takes a hell of a person to do what's right rather than what's expected. Youll be surprised how many people have your back.

Call it off sweetheart. This isn’t a relationship that is going to last unless you both do serious work. What’s the point of going through a wedding, knowing you don’t want to be with this person. It’s gonna be hard…it’s going to be embarrassing and uncomfortable to call it all off…but that’s nothing compared to the feeling of being married to the wrong person for the next few years feeling the resentment and fear of this being ‘as good as it gets !!’

Forget about costs…you can make more money… you can’t get back years wasted being married to someone you don’t love…let alone like !!

If you’re not 100% certain you want to be with this man until you and he are (possibly?) 100, don’t marry him.
As for the venue etc, nothing stopping you from still throwing a party and using what you’ve paid for.
Life’s too short to spend it miserable. You’ve had the blessing of testing out married life to him since you had the twins, and you don’t portray it as a happy relationship. Plenty of people don’t get to see that side of their partner until after they’re married.

OP, imagine standing at the altar with him in front of all those people and breaking down because you know you can’t actually say, with any conviction, the words that are supposed to mean so much - but mean so little to you with him. You are setting yourself an impossible task.
And you will wish you had called it off ten days ago.

It is far better to call it off now than go through that ridiculous sham. Your body and soul are screaming out to you not to go down this path. That’s what your panic attacks are all about. Listen to your instincts here. They are reminding you that you aren’t the sort of person to make a mockery of the marriage ceremony with this man but to save the experience for somebody you are happy to commit to, much later down the line.

Your current partner doesn’t care that it isn’t a meaningful marriage. He has admitted it’s best to go through with the farce simply to save embarrassment. A cowardly attitude to have towards marriage which must add to your ick.

So tell your best friend or sister or mum…the person you are closest to, that you have at last decided you can’t and won’t go through with it - and that is your final answer.

Let somebody else make the big phone calls while you tell him that the wedding is off because the personal relationship between the two of you is all but over.
Remind him that deep down, he knows that’s the correct thing to do.
Give him the chance to present the decision as a mutual one because it’s already being cancelled as you speak.

You are brave to admit your true feelings here OP. You are being true to yourself with that admission. Well done!
I really hope you can work out a good respectful parenting plan where your twins can flourish. All the best. x

Please call it off. It won’t get any better and will likely get worse.
Much easier now than later.

So his reason for carrying on with the wedding wasn't about his love for you and his desire to spend the rest of his life with you, it was just about losin money and losing face?
Definitely call if off!

You don't necessarily have to end the relationship at the same time - although tbh it sounds like you should ultimately split up - but don't marry if you aren't certain about it because you will get deeper and deeper in and it will be much harder to end it then.

Bite the bullet, cancel the wedding and then decide on the rest of your life - either go to couples counselling to see if there is a relationship to salvage or make plans to split and co parent your twins.

Confide in a close friend or family member who you know will be supportive and will help you through it all.

Good luck

Please get this thread deleted before the daily mail pick it up. Unless you have changed some details it is potentially very identifying.

My friend called off her wedding. I admired her for her courage, and still do

I think that you should marry him actually. You're in the most difficult part of parenthood and it's quite common for couples to clash during it. You clearly liked one another at one stage. He probably doesn't feel like conversing much after a bereavement. Did he lose a parent? When I lost my dad I was a complete wreck for at least 18 months.

You do of course need to speak with him regarding doing everything as that's clearly not fair. However, and I say this as a single mum of 3 who's never married, life will be more difficult without an extra parent. If you do intend to split beware that you will be alone for potentially an extended amount of time as introducing a stepdad is a risk in itself. Best of luck x

Agreed. Sorry to be calculating but with young twins this seems highly relevant.

Is there a way that simply avoids the legal bit I wonder. At least you’d get the day out that you paid for and to wear a nice dress

You poor thing OP! Twins can be so tough.

You have to call it off. You can’t live a lie. And practically - the cost and stress of divorce!!

If his reaction to you expressing doubts was basically to say - let’s crack on it’s too late to cancel… doesn’t exactly indicate he thinks the Op is the love of his life.

He sounds on same page as you @ThisFunnyZebra in terms of not being happy in the relationship but he is worried about saving face.

Raise your bar for partners.

Let’s be honest it’s not going to get better. Good luck

You can’t get married just as it’s paid for and you feel bad for him as he’s depressed and stressed, that’s crazy

tell him you don’t wish to get married and why and cancel.

Is he abusive, I mean physically, verbally, financially, coercively controlling?

Does he have any drug, gambling, or alcohol problems, porn addiction issues?

If no to all of that then don't throw him away. If he is fundamentally a good man and having kids has simply destroyed what was otherwise a healthy relationship. Twins, 22 months, both working FT, that is a recipe for burn out for anyone.

I'm going against the grain and say go ahead with the wedding, and take this as a wake up call to get back in control of your marriage. Resentment is the poison that destroys marriages, you have to actively fight it and refuse to let it take root. I am not excusing his behaviour, yes it is awful. I am saying you have to see your own role in enabling this dynamic which is generating all of this resentment for you. Rebuild and make this into the family you wanted in the first place.

Impressed by you. I said my vows and felt the word ‘divorce’ run through my head. I wish I’d had the guts to listen to my dad who said before to me ‘you don’t have to do this.’ We stayed together for a few more years which were horrendous, and he refused to divorce me until five years after we separated when I no longer needed his consent.

If you feel so strongly that you do not want to marry him then just don’t do it to save face and appease family and wedding guests.

Have you had a conversation with him, have you told him how you feel? There is a chance that he is not so invested in marriage, hence his detachment from the twins etc.

Whatever you decide to do I genuinely wish you well OP, we are only here once so please do what feels right for you 💐

Call it off OP. It will be hard but so so worth it in the long run. Think of that awful sinking feeling you’ll have the day after when it’s all over and you’re just waiting for the day you can divorce him. Don’t worry for a second about guests- most will say ‘oh gosh, what a sad situation for them…hey now we have a free weekend shall we go and do x?’ Because that’s just life. Anyone very close to you will understand. I think when someone calls a wedding off on the actual day it’s pretty harsh (still better then going through with it if you don’t want to)- a week or so before is way better than this. It’s not going to get better.

‘Let’s crack on, we’ll lose money and look stupid’

Definately cancel.

Sunk cost fallacy. You need to bite the bullet and tell him it’s over.

I cancelled my wedding a month before it was due to happen. All paid for, and everything organised. I have never regretted it in 20 years. I knew if I went ahead, I would end up divorced and that it wasn’t fair to my fiancé when I had any doubts.

Don’t worry about what people might think - this is your life and you deserve to be happy.

Feel free to PM me if you’d like to talk or want any advice that you don’t want to post here.

You can’t get a divorce in the first year after a marriage. If you feel like this now, please call it off. Otherwise you have a whole year to wait, potentially feeling more and more resentful, and then your lives are financially and legally intertwined and all sorts.