AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

As others have said, I bet plenty of people will be relieved.

In terms of the guests, get someone else (mum, friend) to do the calling round/ texting. It’s easier than you think. Just get them to explain that you have thought long and hard but it’s the best decision at the moment. If you want to be tactful say it was a joint decision. Offer help (via mum/ sister) cancelling things.

With regard to the venue, use what you can (food, drink, holiday) and sell/ cancel the rest. Yes you’ll lose some money but it’s probably still less hassle and money than a divorce. Plus you’ve no guarantee that your partner won’t deliberately try to be as difficult as he can be about the divorce so it could be much more.

Then you can focus on moving on with your life and being a good co-parent without constantly being annoyed/ stressed/ pestered for sex- imagine how nice that would feel!

Of course he did. He’s about to lock in free labour for life. If he wants to get married. On his own he’ll need to wash his own clothes, clean his own loo and cook and wash up for himself. Why on earth wouldn’t he want to lock that in?!

Bite the bullet. End it now. You'll be so thankful

Absolutely this. Bite the bullet and call it off now, however tough it’s going to be. You’ll feel so much better for not having to go through the actual day smiling through gritted teeth - and surely, if your negative feelings for each other are this strong, you’ll never be able to hide it completely.

I promise OP that however difficult and unwelcome the thought of cancelling is, it's significantly easier, cheaper and less stressful than a divorce.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation but I promise the best thing is to cancel. You're looking at a few weeks of stress and awkwardness be potentially months and years of unhappiness if you get married to someone you can't stand and then stick it out for an 'acceptable' period of time until you can divorce.

You will get through this and breathe freely on the other side.

Marrying him won't change the situation, it will just make it harder to separate. Someone with more knowledge than me might know more, but I thought you had to be married a year before divorce proceedings could start? If you marry him, you'll still be doing everything, as you are now. This is who he is, and he's not likely to change.

Far better to cancel a wedding, than have to divorce.

It's a bit more complicated than 'just call it off' already. You have children and a joint mortgage.

I think you need to look at it dispassionately. Do you work currently?
Who is the bigger earner?
Who has the better pension?
Are you in a position to separate? If you don't marry, can you afford to live apart?

Basically, what does life look like without a wedding and as a single parent to twins? Is it something you are able to do right now?

The general consensus is that marriage affords you more rights and especially so if you are a SAHP. But if these things don't apply, it's a very different decision.

yes just cancel it. You’ll raise a few eyebrows sure but it’s nothing compared to actually being married to someone you don’t like/love.

alternatively, just ditch the legal ceremony part and have the party with your friends and family since that’s all paid for.

It's gone so far that I would continue now. The huge commitment is having kids together. Make your vows and privately vow to work on improving your relationship and home life . Couples counselling could help.

Absolutely this. Who cares if you look stupid? You’re in torment and you could end this today by cancelling. Ignore the expense, it’s painful, but you can’t recoup this and far, far better to stop now than get married and divorced in a year. You’d be doing the right thing. He sounds hopeless (and a sex pest!)

This time next year, do you want to be married to him, or do you want to have moved on and be creating a new life for yourself?

Focus on that and stop worrying about the discomfort or embarrassment you’re going to feel in the short term. Focus on the end game.

Confide in someone you trust and then speak to him and get this all cancelled.

Echoing others to say please do, for the sake of everyone including your children, call it off now. Inconvenience now will soon be forgotten but a phoney ceremony and years getting a divorce is misery for all. Sad but worse if you leave it.

You can call it off 10 seconds before - do not go through with it with any inch of doubt. Speaking from experience here!

You've got a lot of support on here OP. You know what you have to do. It will be painful but you'll only have to do it once. Be strong, we're all behind you as well as the people who love you most.

Honestly calling it off might give you a difficult and uncomfortable month or two. Marrying and divorcing later will give you a difficult and uncomfortable year or two. Don’t marry him if you are not totally totally sure it’s the right decision (from an old bird enjoying her new second marriage).

Definitely call it off. What you’ve described is not sounding like a long and happy marriage in the making. If one of your twins came to you in 20 years time and described what you’ve written in your op you’d advise them not to go through with it. Be brave and stay strong. Can your bridesmaid or anyone else help you?
Personally, if it were me, I’d cancel a few of the big things such as the venue, before telling him. That way you can’t get bullied back in to it.
Good luck.

Call it off

If you call it ff now and separate you are fucked for a few months while you sort it out.

If you marry him now you are fucked for a lifetime.

Seriously don’t marry someone because you feel sorry for them or because it’s embarrassing. In the long run you’ll be relieved that you don’t have to go through the long drawn out stress of the inevitable divorce. It sounds like a terrible relationship and I just don’t see him changing: these behaviours are just too ingrained.

How could anyone caring and respectful leave their partner with all the mental load and the practical work when she’s just had twins. It’s just unacceptable.

is his depression the reason for his behaviour?

Call it off now. Get a lawyer and work out where you stand after a separation.

don’t think you can’t get a mortgage. If you are working you will probably get UC and maintenance from him and child benefit. Add all that together and some mortgage providers take that as your income.

Can you go and talk to your parents about this. After the initial shock they will probably be more supportive and help you come to a decision. Bottling this up inside will make you ill

Call it off! Don’t make the mistake I did. It was so much harder getting divorced than just splitting up. You deserve better, your children deserve better and maybe even he does. Imagine feeling this dread magnified by 100 when you have actually married him. This horse is dead, time to stop flogging it.

I mean…having no interest in helping with his own children or helping her with everyday life to ….her detriment…is pretty abusive would you say ???

Please don’t marry him. Please confide in your support network in real life. I strongly suspect that they will be very relieved for you.