AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

I know three different people (a friend, a colleague, a relative) who got married knowing it was a very bad decision and something they essentially didn't want to do. Even as they said their vows they knew they were making a massive mistake.

Unsurprisingly, in all cases the marriage broke down fairly soon afterwards and all three ended up in stressful, expensive, difficult divorce situations where people looked on them with much less sympathy than if they'd just cancelled the wedding in the first place. Not that I'm saying it matters what other people have to say, but the point is that all three said they didn't cancel the wedding for fear of letting everyone down and being gossiped about and honestly, no one would have cared at all but would have supported them throughout.

Some advice, for what it’s worth:

1. Can you get some legal advice, find out if you would be advantaged or disadvantaged should you split as a married couple or if just partners. It might even help clarify your decision to call off the wedding
2. You have 22 month old twins, he’s suffered a bereavement, this is a stage of life when even couples with the most solid foundation can feel like housemate coworkers, living alongside each other while chronically exhausted. It’s not great that he’s not a hands on Dad, but it’s also best not to make a big decision (like ending your relationship) in the midst of early parenthood.

If loosing the money is an issue....then have the party with your loved ones and go on the holiday. Just don't get legally married and tell people not to spend money on gifts.

Just have a big party to celebrate end of summer and the people you love?

Depends of your relationship...but it could work it you both realise the relationship is not good and needs to be different moving on

Split up. For both your sakes. If he's hopeless, he might be a better support if he has a clear structure of when it's his turn to look after the kids. Some people arent suited to kids but dont find our until theyve had them. I really feel it should become more of an accepted thing in society that some people shouldnt have kids,particularly certain types of men who just arent good at it. Too many people drift into parenthood and make a hash of it. So many posts on here are about useless fathers but clearly these men were never going to be good at it. I truly believe it should be less of a stigma and more of a norm not to have kids. What is important is to be a good citizen. Contribute to society. Dont have kids if you know deep down you dint really want to or would be hopeless. Leave the child rearing to those who are suited to it.

Because (and only because) you already have 2 children and a mortgage together, I think you should go and see a solicitor immediate and ask them whether your future financial arrangements are potentially strengthened by being this man’s former wife, or just the mother of his children. The legislation around this is changing but I don’t believe it has yet, and if your financial security is helped by marrying him, then I would do it.
I am aware that sounds mercenary but you have two children to provide for and doing what’s best for them is more important than doing what’s best for him.
Also (and I am aware this is a much less morally defensible point) but why the hell should you be made to be the bad guy here? You call off the wedding and he assumes the role of “injured party” for the rest of his life and you become the cow who ditched him and broke his heart just as he was ready to devote himself to you for life. That is not who he is. He shouldn’t get to masquerade as the good guy while you get to be the bitch.

@RoundRedRobin I can tell you that a father of 22 month old twins living in rented accommodation is not exactly catnip to woman. You know the nappies, the annoying keeining cry of tired or hungry toddlers, the broken sleep, the maintenance payments and so forth is hardly the stuff that makes the heart of a young woman beat fondly. If he does manage to convince some deluded soul to step up to the plate as girlfriend in residence, OP should rejoice as she might at last get some help with the children.

Yes, I agree with the persons saying your money is already lost.
As you have already decided you don't want to be married to him, so what is the point of making it even more complicated.
The wedding is a day where you enjoy yourself and love all the attention you are getting, but you won't be feeling any of that.

You are already living together and as long as you are 100% sure you are not happy with how things are. Also if you are happy to be a single parent.
Then, talk to someone close, a family member or friend and start the process of cancelling.

You need to call it off. 🤷‍♀️

Call it off.

Get your best friend or someone you completely trust to act as your buffer. This says it all "But he said we can’t cancel now as we will lose the money and will look stupid and have to explain to everyone." are those the right reasons for going ahead, simply not to look stupid?

"He’s also very stressed / depressed at the moment he has had a recent bereavement in the family and that adds a layer of complexity as it makes me feel like I’d be kicking him when he’s down" but if you marry him you will end up lying to him and later he will see you as deceiving him going ahead when in your heart of hearts you knew it was not the right thing to do.

Courage.

You are "in the trenches" but it doesn't mean that things will get better when you are out of them.

Honestly, read your first post.

I have never felt like that about my husband in the 33yrs we have been together.

We can all sit here and tell you to call off the wedding. That would be the right thing to do but I cannot imagine the pressure this decision is putting you under. Be kind to yourself.

Marrying someone in this situation is likely to delay the inevitable and make it more expensive and complicated.

A friend of mine married her first husband with the exact same feelings as you. They had two toddlers and she thought they’d work through it. That they were just in a rough patch and it would all come full circle. I remember her having a panic attack on the morning of the wedding and trying to support her through it. It was awful and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Ultimately, they were divorced within 2 years of their wedding day.

It should be one of the best days of your life. Not for the glitz and glam but because you are making a promise to be with someone for the rest of your life. If the thought of being with him for the rest of your days makes you feel anything but elated, please don’t do it.

I faced a similar situation many years ago, ignored my gut, destroyed my mental health, physical health, self esteem and earning potential for over a decade and now facing divorce well past my prime and a future of poverty, alone.

You are allowed to disappoint others, do not destroy yourself by pretending.

It sounds like the difficulties pre-date the bereavement? If they do then it won’t change.

You didn’t cause the bereavement.

You tried to talk to him about and he kind of shut you down by the sounds of it - persuaded (coerced?) you into going ahead with it. Not through love. Not through a willingness to address his issues. But because ‘it’s booked now’.

His emotional health is his responsibility. You can support him but you shouldn’t put his emotional health before your own. You are a mum and your children need you to be as emotionally well as you can be. If staying with him will keep you in a place of exhaustion and resentment, that’s not good. Your needs matter too. They matter most for your children. His needs, of course matter too, but you both need to look after you own mental health.

The panic attacks might be irrational. Weddings involve being the centre of attention. Or they might be your brain and body warning you of something.

Does he ever get aggressive? Temper? Verbal abuse? Physical? Is there a hint that he might and your fight/flight is warning you. Many men get abusive or more abusive once married I believe?

There will be an emotional part to your thinking right now.

There will be a cool, rational, logical part to your thinking right now.

Inbetween both will the wise part of you. The part that deep down knows what is best for you. Try to calm yourself. Take yourself for a long walk and see if you can hear that part of you.

I know it will be hard but better to call it off now than leave it until you inevitably split. I knew someone whose partner went through with a wedding to spare her heartbreak (she had had serious family trouble) but they split up soon after which was probably even worse.

It is a hundred million times easier to get out of a wedding than a marriage. I had doubts but went ahead. I found out later my fiance also had huge doubts. We've been divorced for 30 years. The money you've spent is gone ( sunk cost theory). You many get some things back/ only lose the deposit. Other money will be lost but divorce costs money you won't have to pay out if you don't get married. You'll have to sell the house whether married or not. You'll have to organise the children ( 50//50 or some other arrangement with appropriate financial organisation) regardless. If your gut hs telling you not to do it,listen to it. A lot of people will probably be secretly relieved . Always remember ' Those that mind don't matter. Those that matter won't mind'. Better to call it off at home ,in private than in front of the registrar and a room full of guests because you just can't go through with it.

You must call it off and the sooner the better. My brother called his off two days before the wedding. Yes, it was awkward and inconvenient and money was wasted, but that's nothing to the misery and difficulties of an unhappy marriage - and the cost of divorce. Bite the bullet and call it off.

Someone told me before I got married that it’s not about who you can live with, it’s about who you can’t live without!

I don’t know if that comment is helpful at all.

People are right on here that calling off a day is better than the prospect of divorce.

I do however think it’s also very very common to have second thoughts and be anxious days before your wedding.

I cannot advise on what you should do, as you are the only person who knows the true ins and outs of the situation and how you would feel without this man in your life.

I did however just want to make a comment about the ‘useless’ thing. I don’t have children and my husband does do his share of household cleaning and cooking etc. but he has to be told to do things and doesn’t seem to ever take ownership of anything and think about what needs doing without being asked. I am often annoyed that I have to carry the mental load and whilst I might delegate tasks to him, I am taking ownership of everything i.e. planning meals, planning weekends, arranging meeting friends and family, remembering when things need doing in the house, arranging tradespeople to come in, we have recently moved and there’s a lot to get sorted in the house and I am always organising any household refurbishment or anything that needs ordering or buying, remembering when contracts are up for renewal, keeping a constant to do list in my head etc etc.

I think many women feel annoyed by this too and I can only imagine that with kids it’s like this times a million!

However, when I think about it we had a leak in the bath last week that came down through the ceiling and it was my husband that got the bath panel out to investigate the leak, we had a leak in our porch after the heavy rain and he was the one up a ladder having a look at the porch roof, we had a flying ant infestation and he sorted that too, he checks my tyres, fixes things that break and does a lot of DIY and is always the one sorting emergencies!

So now I see it that I’m good at some things he is not and he’s good at some things I am not.

Again, I don’t know if that’s helpful.

Divorce is a whole lot messier than calling off a wedding. Can you tell him you want to postpone . It sounds like neither of you are in a good place right now to have a celebration. However, how exposed are you if you aren’t married, will marriage bring you additional financial security with the twins? Do you love each other but just ate in not great places? Or has the love gone entirely?

Call off the wedding but you can still have a family gathering, use the venue, eat the food and take your best friend on a honeymoon with you. Just because you aren't getting married, doesn't mean you can't use things you paid for.

Oh gosh, far better to call it off now than get divorced. Ok, not the easiest thing in the world to face but look at the bigger picture and think about that, and the future - is this how you want your life to be, if anything marriage may make him more complacent and lazy, not less..
I did it myself btw (although a few months before so not so close) - it wasn’t pleasant but I knew it was the right thing (no regrets). If you are clear marriage to this man is not right, then don’t so it (and do be clear - eg it’s not a knee jerk decision because he’s currently being a useless arse, you are clear he actually is useless arse). Pull off the plaster, put on the big girl pants and cancel. Good luck.

Some facts that might help.

Once you are married you have to wait a year to divorce.

If you use solicitors divorce costs thousands. My solicitor said around £50,000 is normal. It’s cheaper through mediation but still £1000s. Plus pension valuations - 100s. Etc. The divorce itself isn’t too costly and you can do it yourself online but you need a financial order too and that’s the tricky and costly bit.

So if you are worried about the money situation - by marrying him now and divorcing later you will incur more costs. Right now all you’d need to do is sell the house and split the proceeds. Far less complicated.

If I could go back to myself before I got married (as someone with the ability to earn my own money) I’d have advised myself not to. If he’s this disengaged now and hasn’t listened to your concerns, once you are married, my guess is he will listen even less.

Only you can know what is best to do for you but please don’t worry about what people will think. I know someone who spilt up with her partner a couple of months before the wedding and then used the wedding they planned and paid for to marry her new bloke. Whilst people did judge her it’s now a couple of years later and they are both living happily with their new spouses. It’s not really mentioned or thought about (apart from me now remembering it to reassure you!).

Trust your instincts. X

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I have no experience of this but I would say to you, this is it, you only get one chance at life and you owe it to yourself, your children and even your partner to be happy. I wouldn’t ignore serious doubts like this. Can you imagine being with this man in 2 years, 10 year, 40 years? If you can’t you’re doing all of you a disservice by getting married. You deserve to be happy with an equal partner who is going to weather life with you. Someone you can lean on and count on, someone who has your back and is your biggest supporter.
If you can’t face outright cancellation you could move to postponement initially. That will still be difficult but would buy you some time to then cancel.

Most people though they don’t say it are not that keen on weddings so if you call off they will feel happy to have their weekend back!

This was me. I married him. It was a terrible mistake and the heartache and shock of such a quick divorce for everyone made everything ten times worse. You don’t have to do anything. Trust your gut.

so sorry your in this situation.

unlike other Mumsnetters, I would find out the following before doing something as huge as cancelling a wedding:

1)you say he’s grieving and depressed, has he gone to the doctors/on medication for it?
what was he like before losing this person?

grieve and depression are huge issues so to be dealing with both while you have twins might be something he has to get professional help for.

2. if you cancelled it would prob end the relationship so can you manage financially on your own? (As you do all the work, you know you can cope physically but please look into your finances and what that would mean for you and the twins).

as a man with young twins, he will very likely get a girlfriend pretty quick, please honestly ask yourself if you can cope with them calling another woman mum. Also you would have to split where they live, can you cope knowing they won’t be either you 100% of the time?

im not trying to guilt you into staying but I’ve seen the above break my friends who have had to deal with other women in their children’s lives and honestly, some have said they wouldn’t have left if they had thought about how that would affect them.

you are at the hardest stage of parenting with young children, would a serious conversation and a trip to the doctors be better than calling off the wedding?

only you can decide, but make sure you talk to someone you trust about how your feeling so your not going through this on your own.