AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

If you feel that way, why would you go through with the wedding?

You would be nuts to marry someone you can't stand! Marriage is tough enough when you love someone one!

I knew a couple that did this. Called the wedding off just before the date but stayed together for the young kids. They broke up properly not long after.

If he knew how seriously unhappy and exhausted and disconnected from the relationship you are is there a chance he might pull his weight more with twins and house and make an urgent effort to connect... It won't solve the intensity of the pressures you are both under, especially with 22m twins, ibut at least then the situation would be more open. You aren't responsible for his mental health a besides your own is vital and not just for your children although of course they matter a great deal.

This isn't about saving money on a party or keeping up appearances. Those things are utterly trivial compared to your happiness and the foundations of your relationship and family.

I don't think you should feel forced to go through with a wedding for any other reason that you want to be married to this person.

It will need to to be a determined and uncompromising conversation. It is the most loving thing to do.

I'm really sorry to see how low you are currently feeling. It sounds so lonely.

I hope you will both be able to find a way though to the understanding and connection you deserve and need.

My cousin did this years ago 4 days before the wedding. Best thing she ever did admired her courage and told her so. There was some bitchiness from others (was actually quite an eye opener) but my advice is call it off NOW. I've been married over 40 years but If you were my daughter I would be helping you with cancelling everything. It's much easier to undo a wedding than a marriage!

I am not sure that advice is good now. If you are the SAHP and your finances are dependent on the other parent then marriage makes sense so that upon divorce you get half (as you have provided the childcare allowing the other parent to work).

Marriage is general not good for women in heterosexual marriages - reduces longevity. Heterosexual marriage increases the man’s longevity.

Interestingly, I trained with a group of people. Mostly women. The ones that are married and heterosexual are the least progressed in their careers. The ones that are single parents are most progressed. The ones that are single/didn’t have kids are in the middle. My single parent colleagues are rocking it. Amazing what you can do when it’s just down to you and you don’t have to negotiate around a man child.

This with bells on!
The money has gone anyway, all you lose is the 'goods'. Take the kids on holiday by yourself 🤷‍♀️

seek legal advice to see if you’d be better off married or not before you decide.

way i see it your options are:

marry

cancel and lose the money

let someone else “get married”, eg your pal and her hubby or your parents could do a renewal abd remarry (ie already married no official paperwork) or someone who could get legal permission so quickly if that’s even possible.

have a big party instead

hire an actor (nobody knows) to play the role of celebrant and “marry” you. that saves face and you could remarry in private at another time if you want. the actor leaves directly after “to officiate at another wedding” so talks to nobody.

change the wedding to a handfasting. it’s a scottish ceremony that you are committing to each other. used to be legal in ancient times. it involves tiring a knot and things. google it.
it’s used as part of scottish weddings if couples want but on its own it’s not a legal wedding. but it would perhaps satisfy the need for a ceremony to save face and the reason would be “John is struggling with the loss of his close aunt Joan and we thought he would be ok but we now realise it wasn’t right to have our actual wedding when he’s still grieving her loss, as it tinges the memory with sadness, but it was too late to cancel by the time we realised he was still so depressed, so it’s a ceremony of commitment to each other today instead, i hope you understand” If he’d be up for that.

or maybe im crazy, who knows…

Love the phrase "You can't set yoiurself on fire to keep others warm." Very apt. Yes, OP, there will be awkward conversations and a loss of money - but this is your life! You only get one. You know how you feel. Go ahead and cancel. Don't shackle yourself to a deadbeat dad for the rest of your life for no reason.

Any money you have put into the wedding will be lost, that is true, but you have spent it anyway so it's gone whether you have the wedding or not. Looking 'silly' by calling it off doesn't matter at all. You would look sillier by splitting up shortly afterwards.

If you don't love him, call it off. Those who love you will understand. Those who were just attending for the big party aren't worth thinking about. And you may, possibly, be able to recoup a tiny amount of the costs.

Be prepared for the fall-out with your fiance though, he will likely feel humiliated and angry and may want an immediate split. Don't feel that you have to leave though. You have the children to think about, if he wants an immediate split he can move out himself.

Or - it may make him re-think things. In which case you could perhaps attend couples therapy together to see whether you can regain your relationship. If things change you could consider marriage again - but if you do then go for a simple, low-key wedding. Much less stressful.

The money has gone whatever you choose. But it will cost you to get divorced won't it?
Read about the sunk cost fallacy.

I’m surprised by some of these replies.

Usually the advice on MN is to marry your child’s father for protection.

Pretend the wedding is not for another year yet - would you still be planning on leaving him?

It is odd that you haven’t left him but now all of a sudden you want to leave - are you sure you’re not just panicking?

Are you both working FT?
Where will you live?
Are you ok with him being the residential parent and you finding somewhere else?

Speak to someone who isn't on one side or who can be logical then form a plan. If splitting up is the thing you need to do then do it.

Honestly your close family, mum, dad etc may be shocked, but they will be so relieved that you’ve been honest with them. If you don’t want the wedding to happen, tell them, and they will make sure it doesn’t. A few weeks worth of embarrassment is not worth a lifetime of regret.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

This, btw, made me feel very sad. Of course they are your priority. As they should be to him. That’s parenting.

And of course you don’t have resources left for him. He’s a drain on you and doesn’t pull his weight. If you had an equal partner and you both had the same amount of headspace and self care time, you’d have more to give. He can’t use your free labour (to have someone external take care of your kids, cook, clean etc would cost thousands - it is labour) and then wonder why you’ve got nothing left in the tank for him. No wonder you’ve lost feelings for him.

Have skimmed rather than read the whole thread, but it's interesting that everyone seems to be agreeing that you should LTB.

In my experience, that's how it goes on here - it's very easy to tell a stranger to blow her life up when things are going badly. I just want to offer a counter perspective.

You have very young twins. Life is a bloody struggle at that point and no wonder you have no energy for sex.

Lots of women are happy to do everything around the house, then kids come along and they realise it's not working.

My husband lost his mum last year and it came close to breaking us. He just couldn't cope with seeing her deteriorate like that, and it had a terrible affect on our relationship.

But we have been married for 30 years. We hung on in there, and a year later, we are in a great place and it's hard to believe I was thinking (not seriously) of leaving a year ago.

Most people at the wedding stage are full of romantic idealism. Then real life kicks in and they have to learn to renegotiate the relationship. You're just at the renegotiating stage already.

The wanting to leave is probably that you can't summon up the slightest spark of romance at this point. But who could, with 2 year old twins and a recent bereavement?

If you decide to stay and hang on in there, you might find you are able to make it work and your feelings might change. You could go through the wedding with a willingness to try to work through, rather than feeling it is a sham.

You've already spent all the money. If there is a tiny bit of you that knows it might work, you don't have to blow up your life and end up a single parent of twins, unless you are sure that is what you want.

Are the twins coming on honeymoon with you?

Call the wedding off. Doesnt mean the relationship is over necessarily, but at least you wont have gone through an expensive farce. Then you can deal with whether you want to be with him, can he change etc

Do you have a sister or BFF to talk to? Let them get the ball rolling. If you were my sister I would be the one making the calls on your behalf for the logistics of letting family and friends know.

There are a few things to address here. The obvious one is really quite easy - don’t get married. (It’s hard to admit but I dearly wish I hadn’t; took me many years to pluck up courage to divorce - turns out that my family knew I wasn’t happy.)
You’ll get a lot of practical help doing this from the wedding party; the sooner you can all get on with it then the better for all the guests.
Then, what about your relationship? Do you want to stay with “D”P? Actually, will he want to stay with you?
You ‘ll need a consistent message to all invitees about the near future, not least to stop them bouncing back to you with questions & suggestions.

You’ll get some money back from some suppliers, especially if you start the process today (they’ll have dealt with this before.) You will have to discuss this with “D”P so perhaps you could think of a way of splitting the costs between you, unfortunately he may want to talk about that very soon.

Can you find a way to talk to him when your children aren’t there?
You could also have a friend on standby in case you need her.
(He is already depressed & perhaps a bit unpredictable.)

Please be true to yourself.
Best wishes, I really feel for you

Yes. He is good at the ad hoc one offs. Thats not the same as carrying the entire mental load.

I was married with DC. Worked and held the mental load. Did all the emotional labour. He worked. Did ‘help’ but I held everything and provided financial stability. We moved further away from my work with the promise from him he’d take on more domestically. He didn’t until I spelled it out. Then for around three months thus when I went through a bereavement he fully stepped up. He took on the mental load (he had to fail a few times first and feel the guilt of letting down DC) but I lived like a man. I worked and offered ‘help’. I also started to do the novel jobs. The putting together shelves, painting and maintenance jobs etc. I did what he did. I didn’t ask what the priority was. I didn’t negotiate who was going to do the daily grind. I just assumed he would and I got in with helpful things that I fancied doing. He then injured himself and it all went backwards. But this is what I learned;

1. he was fully capable of doing it. He just never wanted to. Because no body does. We would all hire cleaners, house keepers, cooks, etc if we could.
2. by week 1 he was complaining of being exhausted (despite dismissing me when I had said the same)
3. I loved it. It felt so much less stressful not having to keep everything in mind. I went to work. Did jobs around the house I felt motivated to do. I offered my ‘help’ with the daily grind.

So OP. Don’t accept the “women are just better at it than men’ arguments. Nor the ‘he does the DIY so it’s fair’ argument. Having lived for a short period of time in the traditional male role in a hetero marriage, I can tell you that it was sooooo much easier. Similar working hours. Similar physical effort. But dear god, removing the mental load felt like a holiday!!

I know someone who called off a wedding the week before. Family had flown in from overseas. There was a big wedding booked, a honey moon etc
Without exception we all thought the same thing - better now than later!

Don’t marry this man. You deserve better .

Pretend the wedding isn't paid for, and just around the corner.

Do you want to marry this man and spend the rest of your life with him? That's your answer.

Call the wedding off and make it clear to him you are separating.

Don't tie yourself up to a useless man and a crap father you no longer respect or love.

Yes change is scary but it is better to do this now than ending up divorcing in a few months anyway...

Just being brave enough to tell one person in real life is enough, get the ball rolling. It will go from there.
I didn't call off mine when I should have, just been through a painful and expensive divorce which was upsetting for the kids. Yours are so young they might not even remember at this stage. This is forever so don't do it. I really feel for you though, sending supportive hugs!

Call it off.

Divorce is expensive and messy.

A friend of mine didn't call off her wedding, and they were divorced 2 years later. How is that better?