AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

Oh no OP, that's an awful situation.
If you're sure it isn't just cold feet (it doesn't sound like it is) then it would be pretty horrendous going through a whole day of pretending you're so in love in front of all your friends and family gathering to watch you. If you had got married 2 years ago, you could well be in the same situation in your relationship now and be considering whether to end things. Or you might have been able to work things through - 2 year old twins are tough! I remember very well saying to my DH at one point that I didn't have enough headspace to listen to him and was totally touched out and rock bottom libido. He did accept that it was a period where I wasn't able to put him first and that time would pass and the relationship would change again.
I think it's likely for you that calling the wedding off now will end the relationship without there being time or space to move things on. But getting married to someone you don't like or respect, find boring, pesters for sex and doesn't pull his weight with his children doesn't sound smart.

I have known at least two women who have called off their weddings not long before the big day

Be brave

It depends, not being married, it’s not cut and dried as it’s also a family home for 2 children

id be brave and cancel the wedding, yes you’ll lose money but a divorce is going to cost you £10k

youre not having doubts but great be craters have appeared and your partner seems to think you can just crack on with it for fear of embarrassment 😢

sit down with him and tell him it’s not going to work, let him go as much as letting yourself be happy

Call it off.

Call it off but its a pity you did not think of that before having kids that was the point when it was too late

Surely you must see its better to cancel a ceremony and party than it is to enter into marriage with someone you don't love?

Do a runaway bride on the day!

Seriously call it off now, delay it, do whatever it takes to give yourself extra breathing space.
Go on the honeymoon together to work it out. Tell him how things are and that he needs to change. Things will only get worse as school starts and the mental burden of everything will be upon you.

Tell your Mum and she will hopefully swing into action and sort a lot of cancellation stuff for you.
Please don't marry him, just because it's the easy option cc

Best call it off now before you then have all the agro of a divorce etc etc...its easier to do.it now

Actually - just call it off. You don’t have to split immediately. Tell him he can Feign illness if you want to save face. But neither of you want to marry each other. After the pressure of the wedding is over you could consider going for couples counselling if you think it would be useful. Or you can just split up.

Call it off. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised by the support you get in not following through on something that's not right for you.

It's more difficult and expensive to get out of marriage than to just pull the plug before hand.

Honestly, if I were a guest, friend or relative I would be congratulating you on being true yourself.

I had a friend call off the wedding with about 3 weeks to go, I could not have been more proud of her for doing a very difficult thing that she knew was right for her. Please don't make decisions based on what other people think because ultimately they're not the ones who will need to go through the stress and expense of a divorce. No one in here or in person is going to advise you should marry someone you can't stand.

Probably should have read the full thread but I hit reply so I’ll continue. Gut tells me not to do it unless you’d be better off splitting up after getting married. Check what suits you best. I know it sounds devious and might be but you are the one holding the babies… divorce means separation needs to be done legally whereas unmarried it doesn’t.. (although courts can get involved).

does he want to get married? Have you spoken to him?

Never too late to call it off, don't let yourself get pulled along in the arrangements . I wouldn't worry about looking stupid or even the money .

You must be quite young or immature to be so blasé about getting a divorce. It's expensive and awful. Just call the whole thing off and kick him out. That's the mature thing to do.

He's like all the things you said because he wants to be, not because he has had a bereavement. He cares more about what other people think than you. He didn't even ask why you wanted to call it off.

Or, we'll be here in year when you married him and wished you hadn't.

Well, I’ll go against the grain here and say get married.

You have more legal rights as a spouse and none as a cohabiting partner. He might, a long shot, unconsciously try harder as a husband than as a partner. You might feel that you have the right to demand more from him as a husband than as a partner. I’ve known too many women whose exes felt they had fewer responsibilities because they weren’t married.

Also, you are in the midst of the hardest time in a relationship. Many women felt like divorcing their husbands in those early childhood days but found they improved as fathers once the children got older.

I was taught as a child that you shouldn't waste food.

As an adult, someone pointed out to me that if you eat food when you're already full, you're wasting it almost as much as if it went in the bin.

Sure, you'll lose some deposits on the wedding. But it's a sunk cost fallacy to imagine you'll get better value out of that money "eating" the wedding than "binning" it.

The fact that you're (both) looking at it in these terms means your relationship is over anyway.

Obviously he will have said more but as you've reported it, OP, his objections to cancelling (maybe talk of it as postponing instead?) are based around money - you've paid now & won't get it back - and other people's reactions - they'll ask questions (they will) and he/you/both will look 'stupid'.

All I can say to the money one is that divorce will cost you more. As to people asking questions - ignore them. Have a prepared answer such as 'I'm really not ready to talk about it'. Looking stupid? I'm not sure what that even means in this context. Loss of face, perhaps? Both of you should make the announcement together if you can & give the same response when asked. Don't diss the other, keep dignified and quiet.

Please tell us how it goes.

Please end it now. You’ve already made up your mind, everything else like what people think doesn’t matter.

DO NOT DO IT!!!! Walk away from the party, the sunk cost, the commentary.

I married when I had doubts and was separated within 2 yrs. It felt false and weird making my vows - and I was not even half as unsure as you are - and then it was hell, sheer hell, getting divorced.

Call it off. A divorce will be just as expensive and could be an avoided cost if you sack off the wedding.

Tell friends and family they can still attend to enjoy the food / drink / whatever is paid for, so that's not wasted.

You have to call it off.

I had some niggly doubts, more of a gut feeling really telling me not to get married, even though things were pretty good before children. I ignored my gut.
10 years later I'm trapped with a lazy, angry, entitled, misogynistic man who throws tantrums like a toddler. Don't be like me.

I cancelled my wedding. Never looked back!!! Only regret is I didn't leave sooner.

Call it off..

I got married even when I had doubts. Now in a very messy divorce.

Call it off.

There's no coming back from how you've described him OP. It's over. And you're not fucked, you're facing up to how you really feel. You'd be fucked if you didn't!

You need to share this with him asap and then rally friends and family to help you with the cancellation. If you can manage to do both those things in a firm but compassionate (and maybe slightly humble) way, that will help the future relationship with your DC's father and their wider family.

I'm perplexed that several people have suggested transforming it into a lovely naming /celebration day for the twins! Logistically almost impossible I'd have thought, confusing all round, and not sure what it would achieve with emotions inevitably running high.