AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

WHY would you want a child with a man whose parenting style you fundamentally disagree with?????

Seriously. He isn’t going to magically change, or parent your child any better than the existing one. He is literally showing you the type of parent he is. WHY on earth would you want to subject yourself to having him as your partner (or more likely ex partner forced to share your child z50:50 so he doesn’t have to pay you anything).

A primary school TA doesn’t earn very much - how are you going to support yourself when the inevitable and absolutely bloody obvious split up happens ?

Imagine how useless or toxic a man would have to be for a woman to send him packing despite sharing a child younger than two (assuming there was no overlap)

It amazes me that there are still women willing to give these men a go, and even plan to be pregnant themselves by him within two years, living with him within one year.

You’re not expecting too much of a three year old, you are expecting too much of this man.

Good luck to all of you.

So you can already see his parenting style firsthand and don’t like it in the slightest by the sound of things yet think TTC is the correct thing to do? The mind boggles.

I think we need some examples.

Wtaf?!? He could, you know, maybe parent? Taking a lazy selfish route to never say no to your child, results in that child growing to be not a particularly likeable person.

Don’t you also want to have kids with someone who isn’t an absolutely shit parent?

I find these threads baffling. ‘Hi everyone, I’ve found out my boyfriend is selfish, lazy, a rubbish parent and a coward. I’ll obviously carry on seeing him, leaving him hasn’t crossed my mind, in fact we’ll probably have kids together.’

No way, why should OP be doing the parenting that dad isn't doing?

OP if it were a woman with a 3 year old she would be told she had introduced her new boyfriend far too soon. The first year of a relationship is someone on their best behaviour, trying to impress. has he expressed any interest in understanding her better? in finding out how best to potty-train? in learning how to be a better parent? and to co-parent as well as possible?

if not, and if his is the effort he is putting into his first born do you really want to explore having kids with him?

learn from other women on here who took on the step-parent role far too soon and found themselves to be maid and nanny

Yes there is nothing Disney dad about this.

Father's can't win can they? They do nothing their useless but if they do anything thier accused of bieng Disney dad's at least he cares enough to see his child if you don't want to be a stepmother leave now his daughter should always come first

God some of these responses are horrific. Going to raise a monster? As he buys too many toys and hasn’t followed through on potty training. Potty training is about hormones and if she’s not ready she’s not ready.

op. You’re not her parent, she has two parents, this relationship has moved very fast. You can gently suggest but you need to let this child’s parents, parent her.

Yep, huge red flag that he's done this. These threads always depress me. Adults so wrapped up in themselves and their fantasy futures and the kids are collateral damage. Making blindingly obviously poor decisions and always thinking it'll turn out differently for them. Sure they are wiser or just more in love than all those other, lesser, couples. Then when it goes wrong they won't admit it because they feel stupid to have made such obviously poor decisions, while people around were advising against. More time and effort wasted flogging dead horses trying to make the family life they imagined rather than cutting losses. Miserable time for the children. Then they split and there's now two kids experiencing loss and upheaval. And all these men just in it for the easier life.

Before anyone says MN hate stepmums, I have nothing against step parents of either sex at all. My objection is to adults rushing relationships when there are children are involved.

This bloke has given you a gift. He has shown you how he likes to parent his daughter and you don’t like it.

He will

• parent any child you have the same way and you won’t like that. The work you will have to put in to make up for him should make you resentful now, before you even start.
• parent the child he has now the way he always has (which you don’t like) and have no interest in any child you provide him. He will be totally immersed in his daughter with nothing left for any more and you rightly won’t like that.
• he will parent his daughter the way he always has (which you don’t like) and parent any new child awfully - holding them to ridiculous standards, begrudging any attention or achievement and you rightly won’t like that.

Remember, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And he is a walking billboard. You can do better.

And you have come to Mumsnet looking for the benefit of other women’s experience because you see your future and you don’t like it. Believe Mumsnet.

It's called lazy parenting and it will backfire very soon when he's stuck with an entitled brat. I would not stick around for the teenage years because they will be hell. Talk to him! Explain that good parenting includes love AND boundaries because the latter makes children feel safe. You can take any book covering child psychology and it will explain the importance of boundaries and how screen time is addictive and should be minimised for children, especially young ones. If he's a good but ignorant father he will change his ways. If not...run for the hills !

so, together about a year, moved into together, him
with 50:50 3 yo and issues/resentment. Not going tO
end well. Too much too
soon. When I was dating, I never let the partner meet my child for a year. Suggest you working as a TA is not a conincidence on his decision for you to move in.

OP I would try to have a think about how the situation is going to look in the future if you have a child you are trying to parent your way, alongside a step child who is being parented differently. It doesn't really matter what either of your styles actually are, just that them being different is going to cause all sorts of issues, and you are going to have next to no influence over what he does with his daughter. Add in the part time v full time child dynamic and I suspect things won't be easy.

He’s done this because he wants an extra pair of hands to help with his child. Someone here has already suggested why doesn’t the OP help with potty training incase this poor man just can’t do it himself.

He’s met and moved in with someone within a year of leaving the mother of his child. Looking for a nanny with a fanny comes to mind

He sounds like a rubbish parent. Not just for the reasons you have mentioned but also for letting you move in so early on in your relationship. A good parent would have barely introduced you to their DC at this point.

I would move right out again and end it.

He will be the same type of parent with your DC and both you and any future DC deserve better than this.

Nonsense! I didn’t have a child until I had one, and I didn’t let them behave like this. He has no boundaries in place, he’s going to raise a monster.

It's not remotely extreme and it is very good advice. You'd be far better to find a man without young children, but if you insist on sticking around, be on the lookout for being the nanny with a fanny.

You would be absolutely mad to ttc with him when you feel this way about his parenting. Not naive, mad. Will you insist your child learns manners, eats vegetables, is told no, has a bedtime, isn’t addicted to screens at 3? If so how on earth is that going to work?

OP is allowed to have an opinion. Just because someone is not a parent does not mean they can not have an opinion. That is such a weak argument. Every single point she has made is valid.

OP it is his daughter so my advice is stay out of it. Make sure you do not come in and fix things or interfere either. A lot of his behaviour is likely guilt driven for whatever reason. I would think twice about having children with this man as you will likely have very different parenting styles.

So he's a lazy 'fun dad' who spoils his child because he can't be bothered, can't be bothered to get rid of the bottle or potty train. Doesn't care about screen time, doesn't care about diet.

Is this really the father you want for your own child?

Why would you do that when you don't agree with his parenting?

If you have your own children, are you going to want to parent them the same way his child is parented?

If not I'd really reconsider your long term plans.

If you are questioning his parenting why on earth would you TTC? he won't be any different