AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

Well no, I’m heterosexual and happily married. We have our family life all sorted.

clearly this dad doesn't know much about how to parent with effective calm boundaries or move his daughter on to appropriate behavioural stages for her age, so parenting one child doesn't tell you much. it is different being a TA but I'm pretty sure the OP will have seen the gamut of parenting.

I think the difficulty here, OP, is that you've moved in and are planning a family whilst knowing he's a pretty useless dad. If you decide to stay and carry on, it'll be you parenting, with him ineffectively being the 'fun' dad which won't be fun at all for you, but that's the choice, you've seen it now with your own eyes, he's a lazy parent.

Classes in early childhood development, besides working with many kids.

How would a childless teaching assistant know a lot more about parenting a 3 year old than that 3yrs actual parent?

Your bf's daughter is being held behind developmentally because of his lack of parenting and it will harm her in the case of using bottles of milk at night. She's using a bottle still and she's still in diapers. These are significant red flags and maybe it's time for an assessment for her. Has she regressed since you moved in? If you're a TA, you should be aware of normal childhood development. Do you want him to do this with your child, undermine you when you try to teach your child age appropriate skills and give in to toddler wishes to make his life easy? Or maybe he'll just leave you to do it all. If you want an involved parent, he's not that.

Well then sounds like you would be a better match for the OP than her current boyfriend.

Unless she has medical needs etc, most kids are potty trained by this stage. If you're a teacher/TA, you'll know a lot more than someone who has simply procreated, and you'll know how many parents can't be bothered potty training and leave it to the teacher.
It's everyone's business if parents are lazy, because that spoilt kid is going to grow up and be everyone's problem. Just like when kids run round cafes and the parents get mad when people complain and say it's not up to you to discipline their kid, well no, it shouldn't be, but if the parents can't be bothered, what should happen.

Why the fuck would you want children with this man? He’s already shown you how he parents and it’s crap!

cut your losses on this one and move on.

You recognise that you need to be aligned on parenting, and you recognise that you're not aligned... and then in a later post you say you're still intending to TTC with him? Make it make sense.

This is a really fundamental incompatibility.

He’s a Disney dad because he’s scared of confrontation or feels guilt at not being with her mum. There’s a lot to unpack here which i think is why you’ve posted. It’s not about his parenting is it? It’s more that you don’t think this is going to work out. Listen to your inner voice op.

Oh stop being silly, the child is 3.

This is a spot on way of articulating it

It's not coming from a place of love but from a desire to avoid confrontation. This won't improve.

Not being potty trained by 3 is pretty bad so I put yanbu for that.
do you have examples though of what he lets her do or let slide?

And little boys aren’t bossy? Or are they “showing leadership” and “strong character”?

Wait until the said daughter is a teenager and older. The Disney dad will suffer for his softness now.

I think given your belief that a parent should parent, the OP should end the relationship.

You made a mistake moving in with a Disney dad who doesn't say no to his child. Yes, things like toilet training aren't possible without consistency.

His kid runs that house, not you. Think about bringing your child into that house with a spoiled child. Your parenting styles will be incompatible. You won't be able to parent over him and he's not going to do it your way. And there will be resentment all over the place and likely with his daughter too.

You've moved in already after dating for less than a year and the two of you really rushed things given he has a young child.

Run.

Geez, I missed she's still using bottles and he gives her one at night. She's going to have bottle mouth and lots of dental care in her future. He's not looking like a good parent at all.

Unless she has SEN a three year old girl should be out of nappies. But is the parents job. .maybe he thibks as you a ta you will take this on

If you’re talking about having a baby together it’s fair game to chat about parenting decisions.

I would be furious if my husband gave
my kids and iPad at all (we both agree it can be used on plane/train journeys). I also set the tone for TV watching eg. I don’t like her
watching just before bed so I’ve asked
him to let her have 15 mins as she eats her supper and then reads stories/does jigsaws etc until it’s bath time. I’m not sure how I’d feel if he didn’t agree.

Why would you have a child with someone when you don't agree with how they parent an existing child! Think down the line how this will go for you. You'll have a new baby and he will have an 4/5/6 year old who will no doubt be much the same as she is now. You won't be able to say anything about her to him and you'll probably be accused of preferring your newborn over the existing child. Sounds great!

Some of the comments are so vile ‘he’s trying to be a Disney dad’ … ‘presumably he does 50:50 to avoid paying….’ Maybe, just maybe, he’s a guy who loves his kid and is trying his best.

I think as parents we all know we shouldn’t let kids run the house, but it’s so hard in practice, when trying to give children agency and an enjoyable life. Most parents are just trying their best, and not getting the balance right.

I sometimes look at my husband and I and think we give in too easily. We’re not always consistent even though we are happily married. I know how to parent in theory but the practice really is learning as you go.
OP I think you should pick something you know he’ll give in with and offer before hand to help him be consistent. Eg.’ Dan I just wanted to check if we are taking Ellie to soft play today, I know she’ll be moaning to go, but is it a firm no? Is there anything I can do to help her understand no means no?’

it sounds like his heart is in the right place, so support in consistency would be helpful.

What is it that she is failing to “get” exactly?

OP is absolutely spot on. I have two young children (5 and 3) and I’ve never once given in. It’s so easy not to. Because of this, they know I mean what I say.

He absolutely should be setting boundaries. He should also be potty training his child.
If I were you op, I’d move out and only see your boyfriend on the days he didn’t have his dd.
Don’t be yet another woman giving free childcare to unrelated dcs.
Also whatever you do, do not get pregnant!

That might be worse!

I don't think this is going to go well op. You barely know him and you already find his parenting falls short but have moved in and want him to father your children??

I don't think being a TA is anything like parenting