AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

@YourShyLemonGoose please think deeply about what I am going to say as if you stay it will become the truth and you won’t be happy.

You have recognised issues with your oh’s parenting. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. As time goes on it will be different circumstances but same kind of responses from him. When you challenge his ways he will defend them and you’ll end up arguing a lot (he might accept your challenges now but in time he will fight you).

This child is being taught by him - she rules the home. This is MASSIVE and if it’s not corrected NOW at her age and moving on, you will have a child fighting you for her dad’s attention nd she will ALWAYS win, you will ALWAYS be second place to her in a way she sees and uses to her advantage (not her fault).

You want dc well, I hope you are aware your own dc’s rules will not apply to her. Your OH will tell you it’s different for her as she doesn’t live there/ can’t help it/ needs to feel loved etc etc.

Op please really think before ttc with this man. Think if you split- when he has your dc he won’t work with you just like he’s not working with 6 y-o’s mom.

Sorry but please get away before it’s too late.

You would be very foolish op to continue to ignore the signs you are being clearly given, because you want to make it work with this bloke. You would have a bit of a point that he might parent differently, in terms of being a Disney dad. But - the potty training!! You know you’re talking bollocks because it’s easier online than looking a friend in the eye and telling her that he’ll be different when living together. Bollocks will he. In the potty training the ex is trying to make it work, and he is undoing it all because he can’t be arsed. And you know it.
you can push on with pretending he’s something he’s not to yourself I guess. But it’s not just you. You’re thinking of giving your baby a useless parent. And that isn’t fair.

You have been given something many women are not given: the opportunity to see what kind of father your children's putative father will be. Now you know, because you've seen it with your own eyes. What you do with that information is up to you.

What you must do is leave the father to it. That means hours of looking on and keeping silent.

On toilet training, consistency, persistence and the parent communicating confidence in a low-key way that the child is able to learn are key. Stopping and starting is confusing for the child. The older a child gets, the more independent they become and the less notice they take of what their parents want. It's one of the reasons too many children arrive in reception in pull-ups.

Your bf's daughter is being held behind developmentally because of his lack of parenting and it will harm her in the case of using bottles of milk at night. She's using a bottle still and she's still in diapers. These are significant red flags and maybe it's time for an assessment for her. Has she regressed since you moved in? If you're a TA, you should be aware of normal childhood development. Do you want him to do this with your child, undermine you when you try to teach your child age appropriate skills and give in to toddler wishes to make his life easy? Or maybe he'll just leave you to do it all. If you want an involved parent, he's not that.

He’s a Disney dad because he’s scared of confrontation or feels guilt at not being with her mum. There’s a lot to unpack here which i think is why you’ve posted. It’s not about his parenting is it? It’s more that you don’t think this is going to work out. Listen to your inner voice op.

Not being potty trained by 3 is pretty bad so I put yanbu for that.
do you have examples though of what he lets her do or let slide?

You made a mistake moving in with a Disney dad who doesn't say no to his child. Yes, things like toilet training aren't possible without consistency.

His kid runs that house, not you. Think about bringing your child into that house with a spoiled child. Your parenting styles will be incompatible. You won't be able to parent over him and he's not going to do it your way. And there will be resentment all over the place and likely with his daughter too.

You've moved in already after dating for less than a year and the two of you really rushed things given he has a young child.

Run.

Geez, I missed she's still using bottles and he gives her one at night. She's going to have bottle mouth and lots of dental care in her future. He's not looking like a good parent at all.

Unless she has SEN a three year old girl should be out of nappies. But is the parents job. .maybe he thibks as you a ta you will take this on

Some of the comments are so vile ‘he’s trying to be a Disney dad’ … ‘presumably he does 50:50 to avoid paying….’ Maybe, just maybe, he’s a guy who loves his kid and is trying his best.

I think as parents we all know we shouldn’t let kids run the house, but it’s so hard in practice, when trying to give children agency and an enjoyable life. Most parents are just trying their best, and not getting the balance right.

I sometimes look at my husband and I and think we give in too easily. We’re not always consistent even though we are happily married. I know how to parent in theory but the practice really is learning as you go.
OP I think you should pick something you know he’ll give in with and offer before hand to help him be consistent. Eg.’ Dan I just wanted to check if we are taking Ellie to soft play today, I know she’ll be moaning to go, but is it a firm no? Is there anything I can do to help her understand no means no?’

it sounds like his heart is in the right place, so support in consistency would be helpful.

I don't think this is going to go well op. You barely know him and you already find his parenting falls short but have moved in and want him to father your children??

I don't think being a TA is anything like parenting

WHY would you want a child with a man whose parenting style you fundamentally disagree with?????

Seriously. He isn’t going to magically change, or parent your child any better than the existing one. He is literally showing you the type of parent he is. WHY on earth would you want to subject yourself to having him as your partner (or more likely ex partner forced to share your child z50:50 so he doesn’t have to pay you anything).

A primary school TA doesn’t earn very much - how are you going to support yourself when the inevitable and absolutely bloody obvious split up happens ?

Don’t you also want to have kids with someone who isn’t an absolutely shit parent?

I find these threads baffling. ‘Hi everyone, I’ve found out my boyfriend is selfish, lazy, a rubbish parent and a coward. I’ll obviously carry on seeing him, leaving him hasn’t crossed my mind, in fact we’ll probably have kids together.’

God some of these responses are horrific. Going to raise a monster? As he buys too many toys and hasn’t followed through on potty training. Potty training is about hormones and if she’s not ready she’s not ready.

op. You’re not her parent, she has two parents, this relationship has moved very fast. You can gently suggest but you need to let this child’s parents, parent her.

It's called lazy parenting and it will backfire very soon when he's stuck with an entitled brat. I would not stick around for the teenage years because they will be hell. Talk to him! Explain that good parenting includes love AND boundaries because the latter makes children feel safe. You can take any book covering child psychology and it will explain the importance of boundaries and how screen time is addictive and should be minimised for children, especially young ones. If he's a good but ignorant father he will change his ways. If not...run for the hills !

OP I would try to have a think about how the situation is going to look in the future if you have a child you are trying to parent your way, alongside a step child who is being parented differently. It doesn't really matter what either of your styles actually are, just that them being different is going to cause all sorts of issues, and you are going to have next to no influence over what he does with his daughter. Add in the part time v full time child dynamic and I suspect things won't be easy.

So he's a lazy 'fun dad' who spoils his child because he can't be bothered, can't be bothered to get rid of the bottle or potty train. Doesn't care about screen time, doesn't care about diet.

Is this really the father you want for your own child?