AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

@OldHarper He doesn’t need supervised time at the expense of the state. He just needs to work on the same page as the mum. The op has higher child care and parenting standards but this man would be a red flag to me. The DD should be with her mother more but no doubt mum
likes her free time and is she concerned about dad doing very little parenting? The op is going to have to do it at this rate!

Can you not see how damaging that would be for your child? Both children in the same house, one child gets everything they want; the other gets told no repeatedly because their mother has boundaries and their father isn’t bending the rules for them.

He's obviously a lousy parent from you description of his hopeless parenting style. Like with all men, it would be much better if his daughter could live with her mother full time and contact with this useless man limited to very short periods of supervised time, so that the amount of damage he can do is reduced to a minimum. Consider reporting him for his poor care of his daughter for her own good

not Sure why you think you are entitled to an opinion on how he raises his child. You have only been together a 1 year. He might ditch you before then.

Why is everyone giving her such a hard time? She met someone she saw a future with, they had talked about having children together. Now she has seen his parenting up close and its put her hopes and plans in jeopardy. She is entitled to be upset and be working through things.

OP, better that you saw this before TTC. I am so sorry, but it does not look like this will be workable long term.

I moved in a couple of months ago
How long have you been together? Personally I’d have run a mile from a man with a young toddler that he had 50% custody of, but you are where you are.

Well unfortunately that's not always the case is it. People end up becoming a 'parent' when their partner withdraws from their own duties by stealth.

This will happen if OP stays with this guy no doubt. Makes no odds whether she's personally ever given birth before or not.

I’m afraid this is exactly right.

Youve had the gift not many women get, being able to get a glimpse into the future as to what your partner will be like as a parent to your child.

Youre going to ignore this and go on to have a baby by this man so I guess we’ll see you back here in a few years when you’re considering leaving him because shock horror, he’s a shit Dad and you can’t live with the constant conflict with regards to your step daughter and the family dynamics.

you can try with your gentle nudges but he knows full well that a child that age will be damaging their brain from screen time and their teeth from the bottle. he’s doing it anyway, because harming her is convenient for him.

But you're not on the same page about parenting at all. Why on earth are you considering having children with him? Unless you expect him to magically step up or parent different children with different rules. This has disaster written all over it!

Who suggested ttc within a year op?

i obvo don’t know this man, but you should be aware that it’s fairly common for not very good men to go for 50/50 to avoid maintenance, then get another woman moved in and pregnant quickly, to avoid parenting.

maybe he’s not one of those men. Hopefully he’s not. But it’s another reason to not rush ttc. Give you a chance to see where his intentions are.

if he raised the ttc quickly, and reacts negatively to you saying let’s not rush, you know your answer. However, if he does like you for just who you are, then there need to be no rush whatsoever and he can carry on the majority parenting of his dd.

Why the rush to TTC?? You’ve been together a year, his child is still a toddler?? Maybe just settle for a while, let her get used to you??

Genuinely curious what’s attractive about a man who needs ‘gentle pointers’ about parenting from someone who isn’t a parent?

Being "ready" for potty / training is pretty much nonsense to me when talking about a child who is closer to 4 than 3 and has no SEN or health conditions.

Any parent who gives up on teaching their child to potty / toilet train at this age needs to have a serious look at their priorities. Of course it can be a slog; however children need to develop the thought process of "What's that feeling?" - "I need a wee/poo" - "I need to get to the toilet". And as a parent you need to give them the opportunity to do so. Putting a nappy back on just interrupts and shuts down the whole process.

OP, you've said a few times that you think it will be different (i.e. he will be a better parent) when you are living together and parenting a joint child, but why give this hypothetical scenario more credit than what you are literally seeing before you right now? Additionally, you can never know what the future holds, and you don't know that you will always live together.

Not saying you mustn't do it - just saying go into it with your eyes wide open!

If you think it's difficult now, you really have no idea how difficult adding a baby to this will be.

You are with him a year, already moved in, and planning a baby with 12 months.

Slow down.
He is showing you who he is, a Disney dad.
They are an absolute disappointment and disaster, even more so when it will increasingly impact you.

Bottom line is that he is lazy and being a lazy parent means you will pay the price.

Children like this rule the roost increasingly and the teen years are brutal.

You have been warned.

If your partner is very passive, or you think he’d get defensive when you tell him your thoughts, do not have a baby with him.

My DH was similar to your partner, his (very lovely but also very lively!) children would just run rings around him because he let them, and then he’d feel like the worst dad in the world if he ever had to tell them no. He felt guilty for leaving them, and didn’t want them to resent him.

I was sort of unbothered about having children of my own, I’d known from being a teen that if I ended up having children I’d be delighted, but I also wouldn’t be devastated if I never did. I accepted that if this was his parenting style, that we wouldn’t have children together, because it wouldn’t have been “fair” for them to have been raised totally differently.

I felt I had no right to discuss this with him, especially not being a parent myself at the time, but because I knew that he wouldn’t have reacted defensively and actually worked on things, everything changed for the better.
12 years on I’ve got my gorgeous step-children, and a gorgeous “one of my own”. All disciplined, happy, loving, and loved.

It's not fair of OP to call the child a brat. The child's behaviour is a product of how she's being raised. No child is born a brat.