Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

214 replies

YourShyLemonGoose · 02/09/2026 15:51

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

OP posts:
Flamingojune · 05/09/2026 22:54

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:51

I mean he’s quite well off but not super wealthy! I guess that’s why he’s not bothered about still having to buy nappies for her

But perhaps not willing to stick around after the baby stage. Unless the mother of the child binned him off.

KilkennyCats · 05/09/2026 22:54

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:51

I mean he’s quite well off but not super wealthy! I guess that’s why he’s not bothered about still having to buy nappies for her

Hmm It’s not about being able to afford nappies, op. Are you actually serious?
Coconutter24 · 05/09/2026 22:51

YourShyLemonGoose · 02/09/2026 17:10

I’m not but I am a primary TA so have lots of experience with young children!

Being a TA is completely different to being a parent

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:51

Switchnow · 05/09/2026 22:02

And again, what is attractive about a man who is unable to parent a three year old? I’m sure you could find someone more capable to procreate with. Is he very wealthy, good looking, well connected? Because he sounds pretty wet and unreliable.

I mean he’s quite well off but not super wealthy! I guess that’s why he’s not bothered about still having to buy nappies for her

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:49

Grumpyoldcat · 05/09/2026 22:09

A 3 year old who is not toilet trained is an issue and probably the first in a long line. Unless you are a saint you need to get out of this relationship. It will get worse.

The lack of potty training on its own I don’t think is an issue, it’s the wider context within which it sits. Some kids take longer, but she needs to be actively encouraged

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:48

Flamingojune · 05/09/2026 22:38

Why not when. Doesn't a single man with a baby give you pause for thought?

I guess so

OP posts:
Flamingojune · 05/09/2026 22:38

YourShyLemonGoose · 04/09/2026 14:19

About 2 years ago

Why not when. Doesn't a single man with a baby give you pause for thought?

Grumpyoldcat · 05/09/2026 22:09

A 3 year old who is not toilet trained is an issue and probably the first in a long line. Unless you are a saint you need to get out of this relationship. It will get worse.

Switchnow · 05/09/2026 22:02

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 21:56

No he just basically never says no to her.

And again, what is attractive about a man who is unable to parent a three year old? I’m sure you could find someone more capable to procreate with. Is he very wealthy, good looking, well connected? Because he sounds pretty wet and unreliable.

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 21:56

Switchnow · 05/09/2026 20:03

Why, is he a child?

No he just basically never says no to her.

OP posts:
Switchnow · 05/09/2026 20:03

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:08

I think with my childcare and TA background I’m more than qualified to make observations about a man who lets his daughter run rings around him!

Why, is he a child?

CamillaMcCauley · 05/09/2026 19:31

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:15

Everyone’s entitled to an opinion. Who gets to decide who is and isn’t?

I think the poster meant why are you sharing your opinion? Of course everyone is entitled to privately hold an opinion on anything, but there are many times it’s not appropriate to share those opinions.

One of those times is in regard to a child who isn’t yours. The responsibilities and rights of parenting a child lie solely with that child’s two parents/co-parents. Third parties don’t have any legal right to a say in how a child is parented, not matter how strongly they think they know better.

Even in situations where you’re asked by one of the parents for your thoughts on how to parent the child, you’re in dangerous territory as the other parent hasn’t asked for and doesn’t necessarily want your input, and they, unlike you, are a legal decision-maker.

In situations where it’s not appropriate to share your opinion, your opinion is meant to privately inform your own actions.

In this case, where you’re seeing a man choose to parent his child in a weak and lazy way that doesn’t align with your values, the appropriate thing is not to repeatedly try to “gently correct” him, it’s to recognise that he’s not the right man for you, and move on.

DaisyChain505 · 05/09/2026 18:39

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:16

Yes you make a good point. This could go quite badly for the other kids if he carries on treating her the way he does

Adding children to a blended family only works if both adults are reading from the exact same script when it comes to parenting. You are on polar opposite ends and it will only end in separation and another broken family.

You cannot have a house hold with two children being parented in very different ways.

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:17

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 05/09/2026 11:06

@OldHarper He doesn’t need supervised time at the expense of the state. He just needs to work on the same page as the mum. The op has higher child care and parenting standards but this man would be a red flag to me. The DD should be with her mother more but no doubt mum
likes her free time and is she concerned about dad doing very little parenting? The op is going to have to do it at this rate!

I hope not cos according to some on here I’m not even allowed an opinion!

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:16

Pellig · 05/09/2026 05:10

Can you not see how damaging that would be for your child? Both children in the same house, one child gets everything they want; the other gets told no repeatedly because their mother has boundaries and their father isn’t bending the rules for them.

Yes you make a good point. This could go quite badly for the other kids if he carries on treating her the way he does

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:15

August1980 · 04/09/2026 21:01

not Sure why you think you are entitled to an opinion on how he raises his child. You have only been together a 1 year. He might ditch you before then.

Everyone’s entitled to an opinion. Who gets to decide who is and isn’t?

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:14

Sewingbeedamned · 04/09/2026 17:50

Why is everyone giving her such a hard time? She met someone she saw a future with, they had talked about having children together. Now she has seen his parenting up close and its put her hopes and plans in jeopardy. She is entitled to be upset and be working through things.

OP, better that you saw this before TTC. I am so sorry, but it does not look like this will be workable long term.

Thank you for being so understanding, I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:14

KilkennyCats · 04/09/2026 16:03

I moved in a couple of months ago
How long have you been together? Personally I’d have run a mile from a man with a young toddler that he had 50% custody of, but you are where you are.

About a year before I moved in

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:13

BillieWiper · 04/09/2026 15:59

Well unfortunately that's not always the case is it. People end up becoming a 'parent' when their partner withdraws from their own duties by stealth.

This will happen if OP stays with this guy no doubt. Makes no odds whether she's personally ever given birth before or not.

hmmm I see what you mean…

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:12

JayJayj · 05/09/2026 18:10

Well it doesn’t. Not your child. She is 3. You sound obnoxious. I believe me working in a people facing industry for 25 years gives me the qualifications to say so. 🙄

I’m sure if you saw how this child behaves sometimes and how her father is with her you’d have the same opinion.

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:10

muggart · 04/09/2026 15:39

you can try with your gentle nudges but he knows full well that a child that age will be damaging their brain from screen time and their teeth from the bottle. he’s doing it anyway, because harming her is convenient for him.

I genuinely don’t know if he does though! I mean some things yes like giving her too many sweets etc. but some people don’t know the damage of bottles for example

OP posts:
JayJayj · 05/09/2026 18:10

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:08

I think with my childcare and TA background I’m more than qualified to make observations about a man who lets his daughter run rings around him!

Well it doesn’t. Not your child. She is 3. You sound obnoxious. I believe me working in a people facing industry for 25 years gives me the qualifications to say so. 🙄

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:09

arethereanyleftatall · 04/09/2026 15:23

Who suggested ttc within a year op?

i obvo don’t know this man, but you should be aware that it’s fairly common for not very good men to go for 50/50 to avoid maintenance, then get another woman moved in and pregnant quickly, to avoid parenting.

maybe he’s not one of those men. Hopefully he’s not. But it’s another reason to not rush ttc. Give you a chance to see where his intentions are.

if he raised the ttc quickly, and reacts negatively to you saying let’s not rush, you know your answer. However, if he does like you for just who you are, then there need to be no rush whatsoever and he can carry on the majority parenting of his dd.

To be honest I raised it as we’d both like a big family and so need to get started soon! However having seen how he’s raising his daughter I’m starting to reconsider…

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:08

AmberPeaches · 04/09/2026 15:02

Why the rush to TTC?? You’ve been together a year, his child is still a toddler?? Maybe just settle for a while, let her get used to you??

Yes I’m leaning more and more towards this tbh

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:08

Switchnow · 04/09/2026 14:57

Genuinely curious what’s attractive about a man who needs ‘gentle pointers’ about parenting from someone who isn’t a parent?

I think with my childcare and TA background I’m more than qualified to make observations about a man who lets his daughter run rings around him!

OP posts: