AIBU to consider quitting my job?

I wouldn't go SAHP if it would actually be tight on one salary.

I'd just get a different, ideally part time, job.

This. So many times this. Do not give up your financial independence and pension.

There must be other options to achieve what you need to.

Use unpaid parental leave for school holidays ... both take the maximum of 4 weeks per year. Get a cleaner (once a week) and a housekeeper/childminder twice per week.
Try that first. If it doesnt work then give up.work or officially request a job share under flexible working.

My husband has a senior role and is the breadwinner - I work part time hours (3 days a week) in a mid range office role from home. Flexibility wise and for our family life and marriage it’s perfect. I never work late, can be there for all last minute school requests, am with the children over school holidays and can take them to after school clubs without sacrifice - my husband cannot do the same. So logically it’s perfect. From another perspective, I feel numb and bored at work a lot of the time, and have cognitive dissonance around whether I should be doing more or progressing. No solution is perfect, but if family is your priority and you can afford to reduce your hours, this is an option that works for us.

I had 4 kids and gave up my job to be SAHP. Loved it and never felt vulnerable or that my husband’s salary was his - it was ours! Got paid into bank and I was the one who paid the bills and worked out the finances. Depends on what type of marriage you have. My job was band 4 medical sec so when I was ready to go back to work quite easy to get another job. We were quite poor when the children were very little but I’ve never been materialistic and had enough money for the basics with occasional treats so were happy.

I’d advise not to give up work. As others have said, either hire a housekeeper/cleaner, or look for a different job, this might be with same employed or a different one. It’s easier to get a new job if you are in work.
if you do end up being a SAHM, ensure that child benefit is paid to you in your own bank account and linked to your national insurance number, so your NI continues to be paid (or else it will affect your state pension down the line). Also budget to pay at least £3600k per year into a private SIPP pension (max the govt will proved tax relief on), to cover the loss of your workplace pension.

I think you should get paid maternity leave one more time and then leave after you have completed the maternity leave/ pay back period. You could apply for parental leave to try 6 weeks at home. Imagine if you hated it!!!

i had a good job but 3 kids in nursery and commuting costs would mean I was bringing very little home (although the pension worried me) and of course the stress of balancing everything. Not worth it for me.

i now work part time as a contractor £40 ph and only 10 hours per week spread across the year. Even though they are all in school, there are so many inset days, dental appointments etc we are lucky we aren’t really a terribly sick house hold but average at 5 days per year per kid… that is a lot of disruption. I don’t pay for as many camps as other people, but sometimes I have to because there is a project or something. On those weeks I might only break even. I do all of the house work and most of the cooking although DH is great with the kids, so I’m not complaining. that little job at least keeps my state contribution up and keeps me talking to adults. We pay more into my husbands pension.

i love being the one to pick them up from school and I could do more work when they are all over 10 years old. It was a longer gap than I expected to take and I didn’t expect to like being at home so much.

Outsource everything you can, cleaning, yard maintenance, house maintenance, dog walking etc, even if that means breaking even on your wage. While that may seem like ‘working for nothing’ it really isn’t, as you are increasing pension pot, increasing salary with indexing and progression, protecting yourself and your family should your DH be made redundant, leave you, get sick and be unable to work; or should unexpected expenses arise, cost of living increases keep going, kids get older and more expensive etc.

I understand you and am in a similar boat. I have a very demanding career in finance (perhaps you do, too?). I have been thinking of taking a year out - so not giving up my financial independence, but having a little break to be a present mum. This time will never come back. When we have retired, our kids will be independent. I want to experience my life now, so seriously considering a break.

Dear god, don't give up your career to be an unpaid maid at home!

Get a cleaner, do online food shop, throw money at holiday clubs etc.

I've got friends who have given up careers, had to re-enter much lower down, never got the seniority back and are being managed by people 30 years their junior.

If you're having another dc you'll want the maternity package as well

Your pension and it’s not just about retiring when you think you may like to at 65 or whatever age you can leave,

I had what can only be described as a cataclysmic mental health situation and also some physical health issues and was pensioned off by my workplace. I was young to retire and it was not my preferred exit from work obviously. Until that point I had a decent career. If I had remained working till I was retirement age I would have had an amazing pension, but I do still have an ok pension.

Also consider that kids only get more expensive!
Good luck op.

Money seems to be a dirty word on many 'should I be a SAHM threads'. But I think you really need to consider what having healthy finances would mean for your family, as opposed to struggling and counting pennies. You have 2 high salaries and only really need one to live on. So keeping the 2nd one means you can give your child or children so many opportunities. From small things like a nice lifestyle, all the hobbies they want - small kids don't cost a lot, but teenagers get expensive! I know my DC love that I never have to say 'no we can't afford' to activities they want to do. You can travel the world. And you can save for their future - uni fees, deposits etc. Not to be scoffed at..

I would say don't give up your job. My exh and I planned I would be a sahp. It was great, until my money ran out.
Suddenly all the responsibility landed on him, turns out he resented it and then me. He wouldn't cut his spending to the new budget. The debts mounted and it was all a stick to beat me with. Ruined a marriage and I took half the debt with me when I divorced him.
If you are determined to do it, have a think about combining a sahp with being a trained childminder. You will never be out of work. Best job I ever had @GreenBayTractor87

Don't do it... I took three years out of work and it's taken me a year to find another role and I'm going back at a greatly reduced salary. The reality of one salary meant we we struggled as the cost of living spiraled and I've lost 3 years pension contributions.
If I were to do it over again, I'd go part time or try to do extended hours over 3 or 4 days.
Try and find a way to keep working.

Which is why I said "unless DH takes the lion's share of the parental leave". The OP says she has been more maternal than she expected so she would have to weigh that up.

Age 3-4 is the hardest age IMO. It gets SO much easier the first term after reception. School holidays are still a pain but you can use unpaid leave to cover a lot whilst they are still young. Also a lot of teachers look for Nanny jobs over the summer holidays. Check with an agency. Plus most reasonable large organisations also allow some flex in the holidays once you are sufficiently senior anyway.

I would NOT be quitting my job.

You need a cleaner or a housekeeper. Buy in meals. Use the slow cooker and air fryer.

The very fact your role gives you the flexibility to end at 3pm will be INVALUABLE once the kids are at school.

Living on one salary is precarious at the best of times. You'd also need to factor in your pension contribution.

Plus if you are thinking about Baby Number II, you probably have enhanced maternity.

Is more flexible (sorry couldn't edit)

Quitting is quite xtreme snd I think you might miss it? You say you can't work PT in your current role, but are there other roles you could move to even if lower pay? Is public sector an option - it can be busy, stressful but is more flexibility? I moved punki sector a while ago, and although can be stressful its a different kind of stress...and as salaries are generally lower, taking leave, flexi, finishing on time us more dxodvtef.

not a bad idea at all, then DH can be the primary parent. Couples where dad takes paternity leave have significantly lower divorce risk.

My wife and I both work demanding jobs and found someone to prepare food, do a bit of tidying, and wash clothes (three times per week, in addition to a regular cleaner once a week). This frees up a lot of time and improves our work/life balance significantly.

It means that when we’re at home, we’re spending quality time with the kids rather than doing these chores. Appreciate that we’re lucky to be able to do this.

I’m returning to work soon after mat leave and have made a career change. Didn’t think I would at this stage, but maternity leave made me think very hard about exactly what I wanted professionally and personally.

Where before I’d somewhat fallen into promotions (albeit in areas I was interested in), I realised I needed to be much more intentional about my choices. I knew I had to be able to look back with as few regrets as possible and know I’d tried to get the balance right between my child and my work. Not that my choices had to be perfect, but I had to know I’d done my best to do things ‘right’ for my family.

My job was very long hours and high pressure. I enjoyed many aspects of it but had done it for a number of years. I did consider childminding as a way to be with my child more, but I knew it wouldn’t really suit my temperament and I also worried about being able to re-enter my area of the workforce in a few years.

So, in my specific situation, I had to ask myself:

1. Was I sufficiently invested to either stay in that specific organisation or do a very similar role elsewhere for the foreseeable (maybe the rest of my career) given the hours and stress?
2. Did I want to go one level more senior, which would’ve been running the organisation or a similar one - knowing that this would be even more pressure and the day-to-day would be quite different and not all in my interest areas?
3. Should I focus on stepping into a different but linked sphere - harder to achieve and I’d have to go in at a more junior level, but providing a new challenge and career path, greater flexibility and less pressure? (I had looked at this in a light touch way in the last couple of years anyway, but never acted on it.)

After much difficult soul searching, I went with No. 3. This was a long process and involved knock-backs and looking at roles that I ultimately realised I didn’t want. I drew upon all my contacts and networks to discuss possibilities, get ideas and find out what other people had done to shake things up for themselves.

From start to finish, it took me five months to land in a new role in a new sector. Note, my new job is still full time but I will actually work the hours on my contract and have flexibility that my old job never could’ve afforded.

The hardest part about this for me was listening to my gut, which I have never been good at - I have often just done what I felt I ‘should’ in terms of career. I had to consciously acknowledge that I did not want the next natural step on the ladder or even to remain as I was, and that I really did work in a very problematic sector in terms of working culture. This wasn’t just because I had had a child, but having a child brought it into much sharper relief.

So:

1. What does your gut tell you?
2. Have you explored all options? (This can help to clarify what you don’t want).
3. Is there an option somewhere between giving up work and staying where you are?

It depends how much you value your career and want to continue working. It sounds like you have enough money between you to get a cleaner and use some sort of food service like Hello Fresh to make the house work easier. You can probably afford extra childcare to wrap around nursery or find a nursery with longer hours.

If you don't want to work any more and you can afford to then go for it and be a SAHM. You could always look for something more flexible and less demanding in future if you wanted.

It really boils down to making a decision about whether you want this current career/job or not - because it sounds like you could make it work in either case! I'd also be thinking about retirement plans etc too and the impact only one salary would have on longer term plans.

Both go part time

I am 55. I worked full-time when my kids were tiny babies. It was really hard.

They are now thriving young adults. We have a very close relationship.

We are now seeing financial advisors and discussing retirement at 60. I am grateful every day that I worked and put so much in my pension.

Life without money is not easy; even if it’s doable now, pension planning is really important to do if you can.