To still be hurt and angry that I was ‘Wendied’ 15 years ago

What does ‘wendied ’ mean?

We had similar with my old neighbour, she was actually, I believed (!) my best friend for a long time, our kids used to play together almost daily. They started school together and she realised my daughter had more additional needs than she thought and she acted like she didn't know me, shouted at our kids for holding hands on the first day, and said we would never walk in together again. I was so hurt but I had no self worth at the time and assumed she was ashamed of us. I was getting death stares on the school run, other Mums laughed at me in public. One Mum went to her house on halloween (her house wasn't decorated) and set off our doorbell, assumed we had trick or treaters, went out, offered her daughter (from my daughter's class) a sweet, and was told 'we don't want anything from you'. Instead of confronting her, I was shocked and shut my door and cried! Asked my neighbour when she got back from trick and treating what it was all about, she told me she didn't know as they weren't friends, assured me she was my friend and to ignore her, then invited her and her husband around for a cup of tea 2 days later! This went on for years, lots of weird incidents, her telling me others were gossiping about me. we became very isolated in the community and I had no idea why. Last year, my other neighbour had a medical emergency with her young daughter and called on me really anxious, asking me to help and stay with them til the ambulance came. Which I gladly did. She then thanked me and said she really appreciated it cos she 'knew' I secretly hated her. I told her I had never ever said that! At my daughter's birthday party last year; most of the girls we invited refused to eat and were whispering about the food, despite us ordering buffet from Sainsburys food to go. Turns out the gossip going around school was that we were a dirty family and they would get ill of they ate our food. My neighbour discarded me in a very public slaying a couple of years ago saying I had been a bad friend to her, but I was already done with our friendship. Last Boxing day, I caught my old neighbour telling a postman on our doorbell camera that she doesn't associate with people like us, that we commit benefit fraud (I have several health conditions that she is absolutely aware of- she worked at my old GP surgery and my family and I had awful care there- so I left). My daughter also has AuDHD and dyspraxia and recently started at a specialist school. My son also has diagnosed sen needs and has a full time 1:1 at school. She swiftly followed this up with a horrendous facebook message to me stating I had munchausens syndrome, that I make up mine and my children's conditions, that all I do is complain to people, that I must have complained to have my recent knee surgery (when in fact it was caused by her GP surgery ignoring my multiple dislocations and not taking my condition seriously and referring me to the right people at the right time). She told me all I do is complain to school, that nobody likes me and I have no friends. So in one fell swoop she told me exactly the gossip she had spread about me in the last 7 years. It was massively hurtful. I have had a lot of counselling. I asked her NHS employer to investigate her and sent them her message but they refused, although police and safeguarding teams did investigate her. She no longer works there and I cannot confirm why, but she did move house last month and I feel immensely relieved!
I had become agrophobic from all the gossip and it ruined me mentally. I still have no idea why she did that, I don't think she is well herself tbh. But gossip is so incredibly damaging.
I have learnt she was never my friend, she has a list of friends as long as her arm and if they want to believe her outrageous lies it is up to them and says more about them.
I would say to OP that gossip and lies is almost certainly involved, and you may never know unless you ask them directly. And they may not even tell you the truth anyway.

I was too scared to ask all the people around me what the problem was and I hated confrontation, but it did eat me up. It has been 15 years for you though so I would definitely move on and hold your head up high.

I'm sorry for that, it must have been hurtful - but there was no complaint to the school that would have generated this reaction. You've either said or did something offensive without noticing or you (or your husband) were misunderstood/lied about. I would get to the bottom of it, for curiosity but also if you live in a small village you might be reinforcing your "reputation " without knowing.

Doesn't sound like you were all great friends at the start. Group friendships aren't the same as individual bonds. I've had blazing rows with some of my best mates and we always sort it out. With faux friends this type of thing would probs cause them to cut you off.

Time to let this go OP.
It's living rent free in your head.
Deep breath, let it go

I googled, and it is when YOU invite someone into the group and they turn everyone else against you. So not at all like this situation 🤦🏽‍♀️😂 but I’ve still never heard of it. And Google suggests it’s due to a thread on mumsnet years ago. So I have to say I find it extremely weird that people are using the phrase like it’s a totally normal thing to say 👀

Without knowing anything about the complaint, you sound like a judgmental, overly critical person. The little digs and jabs in your follow-up posts are quite revealing.

Op I would move on they not nice group. Im not mad on queen bees either. Always drama with them. Are kids close still. My sister does it well keeps good boundaries nothing too deep. No fallouts.

I had something not hugely dissimilar a couple of years ago when my DS was still in primary. He was in a WhatsApp group and trying to be funny and parroted loads of hideous words and phrases he’d read online for shock value and the shit hit the fan in a big way. I take responsibility for not supervising it properly but he was a little kid and didn’t understand any of it. I actually sat him down and explained each term and he was horrified. He went through a dark period after that at age ten, and all the kids at school shut him out.

Thing is, growing up in the 80’s the kids used to joke about the worst most horrible things then, no one thought anything of it so I didn’t really think he was headed for a life of crime. He has a sweet heart but he’s a sucker for trying to be the class clown.

The school came down hard and I understand, but no one seemed to understand it was a bunch of words that meant nothing to him. Other parents still look at me sideways when I see them (much less frequently thank the lord) and I lost one of my closest mum friends, him her DS.

I’m still utterly baffled by it, it really pisses me off though. But sometimes people are looking to feel a certain way about you and you just have to give them the tools.

I tend to be someone that people think they can walk all over and for some reason when I have boundaries it’s shocking and I become the enemy. In the long scheme of things, these people were not your friends.

When a newbie moves into a friendship group and ostracises one member from the rest of the group, is my understanding.

Pretty sure it will be because of the complaint. They won't have wanted to be seen to 'go against' the school by remaining friends with you and thereby appearing to side with you.

I've seen this at my DC's school - a parent raises a concern on the school's parents' Facebook group, which is monitored by the school, and very quickly a load of aspirational parents come on and rubbish the concern - often because some of them don't want to quash their child's chances of being head girl/boy! It's actually quite funny to watch.

But I'm sorry you have been hurt by them. However, I also think that you did the right thing - if you have a complaint, then you must raise it, otherwise how are things to improve for your child and others who follow? OP, well done. And not so well done to that group of ex-friends. Hold your head up high.

Honestly. You don’t seem very nice in the posts on here. I imagine maybe that’s more to do with them falling out with you?
and i have never heard the term ‘wendied’ before!!! What does it mean?!

@pricecap Not RTFT but these people weren't your friends. I'm guessing they aren't even friends to each other, only for what they can bring. Be kind to yourself & smother a laugh when they walk past you.

My inner menace would want to embarrass them if I saw them out, overly cheerfully calling out to ‘Hello Jessica! Sooo lovely to see you!’ at an impossible to ignore volume.

But it’s totally understandable to feel badly about an unjust situation. Write them a letter, get it all down, then burn it & throw away the ashes. It’s in the past and you’re better off without this energy in your life

Hi OP not read all the messages.I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I have always been wary of friendship groups with a Queen Bee. Against my better judgement I became part of one. I had to call the Queen Bee out on something and suddenly I was an outcaste. Lesson learned.

My friendship groups have always been like this. I have always tended to be a leader and as we live in a semi-rural area there's a great sense of community. I don't think it makes anyone a queen bee as such but generally I have been fortunate that over the years when someone has been problematic for me my friends have given me full support, which I have always appreciated.

I'd stick the vs up every time I saw any of them.

Sounds awful op, these weren't just friends from school drop off and pick up they were a solid group with one your dh's best man. All very weird if it was over a school complaint. I'd guess like others there was more to it, one of the newcomers wasn't keen on you so pushed you out.

The time to have addressed it was then by approaching someone you were close to. It's too late now, you've just got to shrug it off.

Hard when seeing them round and about just be bright and breezy.

Do your kids still mix with their kids?

However, I’ve decided, the next time I see any one of them I will be asking them what their problem is after all these years

Bit late. You should have done it at the time. They may not even fully remember now.

Also, it probably isn't what you think.

OP belonging and acceptance is a really important and instinctive part of being a human, so being excluded does feel awful.

But this situation happened 15 years ago, and it still causing you pain. Maybe what needs to be considered is why your mind is pucking over the coals and still feeling the pain. Although humans are social creatures we are also resilient. How are things in other areas of your life? Are you dealing with stress or loss? You feeling mostly OK

Ruminating over events of 15 years ago is unlikely to be helpful. You have tried to figure out what happened, but you may never know. It may have been a situation that you were unaware of, you may have offended someone without realising, someone may have spread a rumour or lied about you.

Whatever the reason it's time to let it go.

@pricecap you saw one of them today and they blanked you

NOW is the perfect time to speak to the one couple you're still in touch with and say “hey, guess who saw today… she completely blanked me! It’s been 15 years, have you ANY idea what the hell happened cos I still have no clue”

you’ve got a shot at this, but otherwise you’re going to have to come to terms with probably never knowing and not having any closure
they sound AWFUL by the way, you’re well shot of them!

So what the bloody hell is the point?

Having looked at the amount of arguing on this thread, this is a clear example of how and why people fall out and have different takes on situations! Honestly, try not to let it bother you, they sound like they are not very nice anyway.

Saying straw man so many times is making you sound like a sixth former (plus mostly you're using it wrong).

Stuff like this is the reason i keep my circle small. Most people are far too much hard work, and having 4 couple friends sounds like a nightmare to keep up with. They are nasty and it must be painful but you are better off without friends like these.