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AIBU?

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Original poster

To still be hurt and angry that I was ‘Wendied’ 15 years ago

320 replies

pricecap · 01/09/2026 18:33

DH and I were very friendly with a group of people, 3 couples. They came to our wedding, one of the men was my husbands best man etc. We all had children around the same time. Kids all got on in school and were invited to each others parties etc.

Then, two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.

The teacher taught my daughter but unfortunately I had some issues with the school and had to raise a complaint eventually. Suddenly I was the complete outcast, the group closed up and ostracised myself and DH, despite the complaint not being directed at this teacher.

We lost our friendship group and even wider friends in one fell swoop which hurt so much. I suspect that the teacher (who is so far up her own backside she can kiss her teeth) did her level best to drag our names through the mud even though we had a legitimate complaint to make about the school and how they were treating a number of children who were set to go to a secondary school that wasn’t the choice of the school. Not one of them have actually ever had the guts to speak to me or tell me what I was meant to have done and even 15 years later it hurts when I see them and they blank me.

I’d love to ask them what their problem is after all this time, it was a hurtful, childish and ‘mean girl’ thing to do. I’d have preferred it if one of them had the guts to actually tell me at the time that I’d done something to upset someone. All I can think of is the school complaint. I can absolutely guarantee that if there was an issue with the schooling of one of their children they would have done exactly the same thing.

OP posts:
MalcolmTent · 01/09/2026 23:00

pricecap · 01/09/2026 18:52

The dynamics in the group meant that as soon as the queen bee joined, around the same time as the teacher they all kow towed to her too. They are the wealthiest in the group. They bought a caravan, next thing they all bought caravans. If one bought something or went somewhere then they all followed suit.

They sound like a bunch of drips, honestly.

Pasithean · 01/09/2026 22:57

Believe me it’s worse when it’s your family that do it.

caringcarer · 01/09/2026 22:56

It was a long time.e ago, let it go and make new friends.

GarlicSomething · 01/09/2026 22:56

MandemChickenShop · 01/09/2026 20:52

I suppose everything else I'm your life must be going well if you are worried about this nonsense from a decade and a half ago

Edited

It does bother you, though. The effects are devastating at the time - your whole social life falls apart in one swoop - and far-reaching, especially in close communities. It's why 'shunning' was such a serious punishment in times gone by - although, very long ago, shunning could mean death by starvation or injury.

I got Wendied decades ago, by someone called Wendy! She was systematic and I had no idea what was going wrong, until a mutual (ex) friend told me much later. I had very similar experiences with an old boss who, unknown to me, had blacklisted me within our industry for an extremely personal and bonkers reason that he'd made up in his head, and the close 'friend' who had an affair with my first husband.

Each of these created a situation where stuff was going unbelievably wrong in my life for absolutely no apparent reason. Normally you'd expect to be able to identify some mistake you were making and try to fix it. But there was nothing, just weird silences where there should have been feedback.

Sympathies, @pricecap.

You said: For some reason all the parents used to fawn over her but I didn’t. I was pleasant but wasn’t prepared to be sickly sweet, I wanted to maintain a distance as she was my child’s teacher.

It's most likely, then, that your principled and outspoken character made you a threat to her domination strategy. The others would've realised that loyalty to your longer-standing friendship meant exclusion from the group, with its jolly caravan holidays. They were weak but it's a fair guess they were punished if they tried to stand up for you. Easier to go with the flow.

Humans are strange, that's for sure.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/09/2026 22:44

Did all the men, including your husbands best man, do the same to him? Did he never ask them directly? I find men a bit less likely to do this, and a bit more likely to be blunt about the reason if asked, so I'd have asked my husband to ask one of them what was up.

Sereine · 01/09/2026 22:40

They sound like incredibly shallow people. Be grateful that you managed to get them out of your life.

Lentilcakes · 01/09/2026 22:38

I’m still gutted about being ghosted by a friend 23 years ago so I’m not one to talk 😂
Seriously though, it sounds like the group fell under these women’s spells and were too spineless to stand up to them. It must be annoying seeing them round and them blanking you (ridiculous behaviour from an adult), but I hope you managed to make better friends in the interim.

MNLurker1345 · 01/09/2026 22:30

Thank you @PullTheBricksDown and @GaaNeen x

MNLurker1345 · 01/09/2026 22:29

Oh, thank you guys, I will have a look at the thread link and don’t take it personally x

And I am laughing!

PullTheBricksDown · 01/09/2026 22:25

MNLurker1345 · 01/09/2026 22:03

What is the ‘wendied’ reference? Please intrigued.

I have quickly gone through the thread but everyone seems to be in the know.

It refers to an MN thread from years ago where the OP had had a new friend join an existing friend group who'd then turned them all against her. She called the new scheming friend Wendy for thread purposes - it wasn't her real name - but that then gave rise to the use of Wendy for someone like this and for 'being Wendied' as describing it happening.

watchingthishtread · 01/09/2026 22:17

They didn't have the guts to tell you but you also didn't have the guts to ask. You did nothing to try to address the issue.

roseymoira · 01/09/2026 22:12

Has your husband not spoke to his best man about it?

Waytoohothot · 01/09/2026 22:11

I doubt the head was none too pleased that one of the teachers best friend had put a complaint into the school , your friend the teacher was very pissed off and wanted to keep her job so you had to go, you made yourself very unpopular of course your friend couldnt support yoy you put her in a bad position

moderate · 01/09/2026 22:11

pricecap · 01/09/2026 19:19

The reason for the complaint would be very outing. It involved a group of children really and how the head treated them differently and didn’t give the same opportunities because they were going to a different secondary school. I was probably very principled over it at the time and I was outspoken over my annoyance about the situation. One of the couples didn’t completely break away and I still chat to her now. I don’t want to put her in an awkward position after all this time to ask what it was that I’d done that was so terrible.
I do believe that the teacher is the main instigator. For some reason all the parents used to fawn over her but I didn’t. I was pleasant but wasn’t prepared to be sickly sweet, I wanted to maintain a distance as she was my child’s teacher

I don’t want to put her in an awkward position after all this time to ask what it was that I’d done that was so terrible.

"Hey A, I saw B the other day and she blanked me again, even after all this time. Do you know why B, C and D cut me out of their lives? I never found out."

Anyahyacinth · 01/09/2026 22:11

This happened to me when I raised lack of support from a very close friend in a 3 people plus me friendship group.

I'd had a major trauma long hospital stay, well 3 different hospital stay.

The two other friends just didn't send cards on my next Birthday (after I'd said I was hurt by the lack of support (I couldn't walk etc.) to my closest pal in the group about HER behaviour, not the more distant friends); as it was an upset I raised only with the 1 closest friend, I've no idea how they justify it...it hurt terribly at the time...now I think I just showed reality...they were crappy friends and people.

The close friend I'd very gently challenged when she asked if I was ok acted like we'd healthily cleared the air then ghosted me...all 'good community women'.

Sometimes, difficult events reveal people for who they truly are. I'd hate to bump into them so feel for you OP 💐

MNLurker1345 · 01/09/2026 22:03

What is the ‘wendied’ reference? Please intrigued.

I have quickly gone through the thread but everyone seems to be in the know.

Strawberrymilkshakez · 01/09/2026 21:59

Village mentality I’m afraid. I removed my dc from a village primary people blanked me and removed me on social media. Lucky escape for me. I’m surprised you still live there!

GaaNeen · 01/09/2026 21:59

Ratherhaveacupofteaandabiscuit · 01/09/2026 21:55

I wish people wouldn’t use names in a negative way like this.
Are Wendys joining Karens?

Being Wendied is a mumsnet ?verb / reference

Ratherhaveacupofteaandabiscuit · 01/09/2026 21:55

I wish people wouldn’t use names in a negative way like this.
Are Wendys joining Karens?

GaaNeen · 01/09/2026 21:39

HouseBee · 01/09/2026 20:51

Now would you have been happy to be part if a group like that?
To buy the caravan too? To go where the ‘leader’ thought was nice?

I don’t know what happened with the school but I suspect your biggest ‘mistake’ was to be outspoken. Which means you wouldn’t have gone down the route the rest kf the group took - following blindly whatever one of them said/did.

I suspect if it hadn’t been the school issue something else would have happened,
Just enjoy your life @pricecap . At least it’s all yours.

Show quote history

Completely agree with your take on this @HouseBee

OP - it sucks to be Wendied.
I’ve encountered a Wendy who thank fuck had it back fire on her !!
anyway, you are ruminating -
no good ever comes of ruminating -
focus on living your life - that’s all u can do

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/09/2026 21:39

LongDarkTeatime · 01/09/2026 21:34

Two-faced person got drunk and outed her behaviour herself, mostly being absolutely appalling about someone else, but a passing reference to me. I didn’t comment and just distanced myself from then on. To give her credit she put on a really good ‘appropriate’ act most of the time.
Can’t say anything else as it might be outing.

Show quote history

Can’t say anything else as it might be outing.

Appreciate that 👆🏻 The last thing we want is for her to know you even remember it 😄

Horrible experience, but you seem to have survived, so good on you.

SALaw · 01/09/2026 21:35

pricecap · 01/09/2026 19:19

The reason for the complaint would be very outing. It involved a group of children really and how the head treated them differently and didn’t give the same opportunities because they were going to a different secondary school. I was probably very principled over it at the time and I was outspoken over my annoyance about the situation. One of the couples didn’t completely break away and I still chat to her now. I don’t want to put her in an awkward position after all this time to ask what it was that I’d done that was so terrible.
I do believe that the teacher is the main instigator. For some reason all the parents used to fawn over her but I didn’t. I was pleasant but wasn’t prepared to be sickly sweet, I wanted to maintain a distance as she was my child’s teacher

There’s no way a primary school head gives 2 hoots what secondary school a child goes to. Why would they?!? And it’s so odd you’ve never once asked the remaining pal what gives. It doesn’t put her in an awkward position at all especially after all this time as the other friendships are dead and gone. Didn’t your husband speak to the best man to ask what was up?

Gwenna · 01/09/2026 21:35

pricecap · 01/09/2026 18:33

DH and I were very friendly with a group of people, 3 couples. They came to our wedding, one of the men was my husbands best man etc. We all had children around the same time. Kids all got on in school and were invited to each others parties etc.

Then, two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.

The teacher taught my daughter but unfortunately I had some issues with the school and had to raise a complaint eventually. Suddenly I was the complete outcast, the group closed up and ostracised myself and DH, despite the complaint not being directed at this teacher.

We lost our friendship group and even wider friends in one fell swoop which hurt so much. I suspect that the teacher (who is so far up her own backside she can kiss her teeth) did her level best to drag our names through the mud even though we had a legitimate complaint to make about the school and how they were treating a number of children who were set to go to a secondary school that wasn’t the choice of the school. Not one of them have actually ever had the guts to speak to me or tell me what I was meant to have done and even 15 years later it hurts when I see them and they blank me.

I’d love to ask them what their problem is after all this time, it was a hurtful, childish and ‘mean girl’ thing to do. I’d have preferred it if one of them had the guts to actually tell me at the time that I’d done something to upset someone. All I can think of is the school complaint. I can absolutely guarantee that if there was an issue with the schooling of one of their children they would have done exactly the same thing.

The trash took itself out, OP, leaving a nice big space for new friends! Be happy and waste not one more moment allowing those people to live rent free in your head. It’s been 15 years - let it go 💖

LongDarkTeatime · 01/09/2026 21:34

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/09/2026 21:24

Crikey! So the brave outlier outed the close friend right in front of you both at dinner? I'd love to know how that played out.

Fancy giving us any more details?

Show quote history

Two-faced person got drunk and outed her behaviour herself, mostly being absolutely appalling about someone else, but a passing reference to me. I didn’t comment and just distanced myself from then on. To give her credit she put on a really good ‘appropriate’ act most of the time.
Can’t say anything else as it might be outing.