To still be hurt and angry that I was ‘Wendied’ 15 years ago

As no-one told you it may not be a result of your actions at all. One of the other group couples could have had a marital row. Originally from a small village, I keep a few unmingling wider groups of associations in case a group implodes. No wonder it still hurts at times, but maybe begin the process of finding new less fleeting association groups. Some suggestions include amateur theatre, natural or local history and other hobbies or even authors- I enjoy discworld club activities.

Oh yeah, now I think about it, several of my teachers were from the traveller community..... NOT 😄

YANBU to still be hurt and angry. It is very painful to be ostracised by your friendship group, especially given the circumstances of not knowing precisely why and living in a small community. There have been several articles fairly recently about how devastating it is to lose close friends. To lose an entire cohort in one blow, to be cast outside the magic circle, is almost intolerable.

If you really live in a village then almost everyone there probably knows about this rift. It seems extraordinary that word hasn't somehow filtered down to you. How uncomfortable it must be for you.

There are so many questions around this scenario; but there will never be any resolution. After 15 years, are these questions really worth asking? If you feel that you must have answers, then broach the subject over a coffee with the one person who still speaks to you. Or ask your husband to discuss it with his best man.

Thinking ahead, have you considered after 15 years of being blanked, children presumably completed school, of calling it a day and moving away? Sometimes it is best just to walk away.

It sounds as if they are all gypsies, which might well lead them to exclude you if you are not a member of the travelling community yourself.

Its not weird it is typical childish behaviour. Do you remember the school bullies, well if you were friends with them they didn't bully you so most people were friends with the bully. People don't change as they age. Once the bully,always the bully. Everyone just did what they did to stay on side. Its pathetically simple but they will put their actual true thoughts well below being friends with "queen bee".

I too live in a village and it IS very up itself. If someone starts a rumour it spreads like disease,people take sides and the "accused" party is found guilty without a trial and without bothering to actually ask them what happened.
Its petty small mindedness and unfortunately exists long after people leave the playground as pupils.

We should all beware teachers. All that holiday; extra "training" days (why are untrained people teaching our kids??); all that " there is no bullying at my school" ( really?); all that "I saw a snowflake we need to close the school!", all that "I am really disappointed in you" stuff?
Associate at your peril!

You're just making this up. And you're not changing anything through your comments. You can't present the other side because you don't know what it is.

Yeah I guess? Not sure what point it is you were trying to make tho?

This is a good summary,

And Its okay for me to point this out in scare-quotes.

Oh god, not this again. When are you going to get it into your head that however obvious it is to you, the replies here clearly indicate that this is not the case for everyone?

Yes and that's ok

Oh God, not this again. When are you going to get it into your head that we only have one side of the story on every Mumsnet thread? Ever?

It's literally impossible for us to get both sides of any story on a forum like this. If we can only comment or form a view if we have both sides direct from the parties involved, we may as well shut AIBU down now.

I agree

You have empathy for the protagonist in the narrative she presented. Your characterisation of this as “empathy for her” underlines the point I’m making.

But if you're the kind of person who hates upsetting someone, you're not the kind of person who would ever blank someone for 15 years in the first place. So whether you would be mortified or not isn't really relevant here. The kind of people who do just cut others off out of nowhere on the say-so of someone else aren't the kind of people who'll be "mortified" 15 days later, let alone 15 years.

Nope that's not it. I said you have to be there to truly know. I explained that just reading OP's version I have empathy for her.

“I get that there are two sides to every story but I’ve heard one side now and that’s plenty for me”.

This. How, in 15 years, has this never come up in conversation with the person you still talk to?

I haven't bothered reading your long post tbh as I don't want/have gave the energy to get in to a long drawn out argument. Ultimately I get that there are 2 sides to every story and this is one of those situations where you have to be living it to be able to decide who is being the unreasonable one. However from reading OP's post and seeing things from her perspective I have every sympathy for her. I won't be reading or commenting further.

It's been 15 years. Get over it! I appreciate that you haven't moved on, but flipping the perspective, they have. You are not a priority. Heck, you are not even an option. They probably don't care or even remember the whole saga.

I came across an old best friend on the train, complimented her and told her I had missed her since the breakdown of our friendship. (We still saw each other around school for a further 5 years but orbiter in different circles). She stopped me dead, tutted, and said, 'Oh my God, that was like 20 years ago,' sighed, and turned her back on me on the busy train we were travelling on. And that was that. I wasnt even looking for answers just staying a fact, but the point is, she had left behind that part of her life and had no care or concerns. If either of us had cared enough at the time, we would have tackled it back then before we both developed new lives.

You've done well enough without them for 15 years. You've probably learned lessons about fragile friendships. You're kids may even have finished schooling and you've gone through a collection of different school mums. Look forwards, not backwards, and hold your head up. Who cares why they don't speak to you. They just weren't your tribe. I pray you found more solid people.

Did you discuss whatever the issue was with the school with the group before you lodged the formal complaint? If you did, does their response shed any light on whether they agreed with you. If you didn't, perhaps that why. What was the result of your complaint? Was it upheld?

It's so long ago,without much context that's it's a bit of a guessing game.

Unfortunately many ‘school gate mum’ friends are not real friends. It’s a convenience thing. And they don’t want anyone who is different and might make life difficult (like a child with different needs or making a complaint which could cause ripples).

it’s hurtful now but long term you have probably had a lucky escape

YANBU but you are given the length of time. Each time you see any of them, roll your eyes, smirk, and shake your head and move on with your day.