Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

This.

You sound depressed and looking to fix that with another child is wrong. Work on yourself and your marriage. Find the joy in your life. Be grateful.
You have a husband and two lovely children.

Do you think that your fear and worry for your son (past, or for the future if the checks do not go well) have slightly blighted how you feel about his early childhood and you want a “perfect” experience? I had a son who had quite a few challenges in his first year after having my first child, who was very easy going (at least in retrospect - obviously at the time I didn’t know how easy a baby I had!). For a while, the difference between what I had expected and what had happened made me feel as if I really wanted another one - I just hadn’t had the chance to draw breath and appreciate it at the time and felt that I had lost out a bit. However, with two healthy kids and some distance, I don’t feel that way any more. It is always tempting to think “I’ll be happy when” or “if only…”, but try to draw some positives from the family size you have.

You have two healthy and happy children - way more than what a lot of people have. Count yourself lucky.
Do you work? Or is your husband solely supporting this ever growing family financially?

I mean this kindly but nothing goes perfectly for anyone.

I agree with the others - two of my friends found out recently (one after several rounds of IVF) that they will never conceive. So many people would kill for what you have. Enjoy your children, and count your blessings.

Think of it this way, you already have two beautiful boys. Part of your longing will also be because the youngest is entering boyhood and the baby stage is over. One day your sons may have children and there you will see your big family at the dinner table.

Don't wish your gorgeous situation in life away with longing for more, you have so much.

Its relevant because a decision to not have a third may come from finances, and if she doesn't work, maybe a way to negotiate, or calm fears.

Sadly, things don't go perfectly, evwn fkr those who seem.to have it all. You are on the outside looking in to all these friends. You have no idea of the private rows, miscarriages, insecurities and other difficulties.

You have two children. We have two children but initially wanted three or four. It wasn't to be so we made the best of the hand we were dealt.

I'm sure we look perfect from the outside. Two wonderful DC, everything money could buy, etc, etc. However, we buried a baby (decades ago now, so no need for support) but for many years it was far from perfect and getting from one to two was hideous. DH would have stopped but I persisted and there were a few rows on the way. But one to two was and is, to my mind, more significant than two to three. You have two lovely boys. Enjoy them and know that in a year or so, the hard work is behind you.

Things never, ever go perfectly, and they wouldn't with 3 or 4 or however many kids you had. If it's perfection you want, you're always going to be depressed. Some people would see a family of four as perfect, but I guarantee there's no one with kids who hasn't had a whole bunch of challenges, whether health, money, behaviour, something can come out of the blue at any point and upend our plans. That's what having kids teaches you, and it's always going to be a problem if you resist learning and think the answer is to have another baby.

What @HotGrapefruit said is right, there's no long conversation needed for things like this. No is no, and 'because I don't want to' is a completely valid reason to decline anything, especially something as huge as bringing another person into existence.

Do you have a full, rich life with interests/hobbies,a career, and time to yourself?

Nothing goes perfectly, for anyone. It's an impossible standard, guaranteed to result in disappointment.

I am wondering if the reason you want another is because he doesn't

Why are the children you have not enough for you? This must be hard on them and before you say they have no idea how much do we remember of our parents they think they hid from us growing up

do you work? how is this relevant? (I often think MN is behind the times here; most women work, y’know.)

@Adeline261 I think all you can do is feel it I guess. I have a different sort of regret but it’s always there. I have to accept what I do have and be grateful for it but I do understand

Completely agree! Op can be sad but this moping mentality and ‘woe is me’ needs to stop. I hope OP’s children don’t realise how she feels.

Gosh OP, you sound a bit obsessed by this. You have an incredible life. You have lost all perspective.

I feel sorry for your DH - why do you want to talk about it? His decision is his decision. That's okay. Your talking needs to be with your therapist - not your husband. You are putting your marriage in danger here, and that is far worse for your boys.

Do you work?

I grew up as 3 it's a crap dynamic in childhood and adulthood. Personally I think parents can't cope with more than 2 without adding in some neglect just to cope with being overstretched. I don't understand why anyone would have more than 2

Three is a big shift I think because you can’t have a normal car, can’t just chase or watch one each when out and about, have a bigger age range between eldest and youngest so trying to allot sufficient individual attention to each child whilst also doing activities they’ll all enjoy is impossible and it’s very expensive to go on holiday when hotel rooms tend to accommodate families of 4 etc.

Is it that you have two the same gender and yearn for the other gender?

Sounds like you have pregnant friends so maybe just focus on being a godmother/auntie figure to newer babies if you miss that phase of life whilst focusing on your own two.

it just feels like nothing goes perfectly for me ever

Things don’t go perfectly for anyone.

Life doesn't work out the way we plan it. We all have to change our plans and expectations along the way. Everyone has bits they are sad about.

You need to appreciate what you have and make the best of it.

Wallowing will make you depressed and horrible to be around.

Kindly, some people can't have children at all. Little bit of perspective needed here.

Hope you are not impacting your other DC.

I honestly mean this kindly but this last sentence sounds like you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. You have 2 children which many people would love to have, you don’t want to give them the feeling that they’re not enough for you

I always wanted 4 boys. I had two and then split with my ex husband. I was glad I stopped at 2. we have had a great life. i bought my own home and we had many holidays abroad and in uk, days out etc. They never wanted for anything. I couldnt have done that with 4.

I'd be surprised if many of your friends have larger families. Two or even one seems more the norm these days than three or four, so suspect there's an element of confirmation bias in the situations you describe causing you pain, with people having/talking about their larger families. If you were able to make the shift, with some good counselling, then it's not something that would haunt you without seeking out that pain, and there are plenty of reasons to be happy with your two, but you can't see that from the spiral you're currently in. Keep getting help so you're present for your lovely sons and not fixating on what you haven't got. With the right support - and the will to use it, in time the sadness will get better. It's nothing to break up an otherwise happy family of four over.

Stick with the therapy OP, and don’t hold onto resentment. It’s not fair to put the blame on him with comments that you always said you wanted a large family, people are allowed to change their minds and especially once they have a child it is so common. I originally loved the thought of having 4 children, that’s what I told my husband, we have 2 now and I know my hands are full and I am done at 2. The thought of a large family and the reality are very different.

Whilst I can empathise with your desire to have a third child, the impact this is having on your children may well be huge - they have a mum who is not present as she’s yearning for another child. Please try to focus all your energy into the family you currently have, not the family you are wishing for. Hopefully therapy will help you to address this issue.