Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

Having children is not the same as marrying a football fan or someone who runs their own business or only likes holidays on the beach

It sounds like you have been trying to fix your unhappy (insular) childhood by creating a very specific situation in the present. This is impossible. You can't undo what happened to you. And you can't predict what impact a third child would have on your existing children. Perhaps they would grow up saying they wish you'd stopped at two, that their parents' attention was spread too thinly.

You also sound as though (as pp have said) you feel sorry for yourself. Nothing is ever perfect for anyone, it's not just you. But you have two children and a husband who is honest with you. You love and respect one another enough to understand that you differ on this.

For your own sake, be grateful for what you do have and forget about chasing the fantasy of complete happiness being on the other side of having X number of children.

These imaginary magical end-points we all create (when I lose a stone, when I earn X money, when I have a third baby, when I get my dream job, THEN I'll be satisfied forever more) are proved to be illusory as soon as we reach them.

Going against the grain here, but I think if you made it clear you wanted a large family before you got married, and your DH accepted this, he is being very unreasonable in shutting this down now. What you do about it though is another matter.

I agree it’s very expensive to raise a family now.l, especially more than 2.

Has your husband given a reason for not wanting a 3rd? Maybe that will put your mind at ease if you know the reasoning behind it.

This.

Childhood goes by in a flash and you will have spent your kids childhoods feeling sad about what you don’t have and not joy at what you do have.

Somehow you have to find away to focus on the positives in your life… hoping therapy helps with that. You have a lot to be grateful for.

I hope your children don't realise how you feel. You're concentrating on what you can't have instead of you what you have.

I would think about the financial aspect, the future of your children. Young adults are finding it very expensive and in some cases impossible to afford to leave home, it's difficult to get a good job. Going to university is crazily expensive. I worry for future generations. I don't know if I would want to bring more than two lives into this world unless you're very wealthy.

Be careful what you wish for as they say.

Nothing ever goes perfectly for anyone.

It is very sad that you can't enjoy your many blessings because you're so focused on what you've been denied. You may genuinely need therapy for this.

Be careful you're not chasing a dream. Having another child will not fill whatever is missing from your feeling content, that has to come from within.

You’re really lucky to already have two children!
You should appreciate what you have.
I think 2 is more common than 3 nowadays.

It took a lot of convincing my husband to even have a second let alone a 3rd but he did come round to it and both glad he did.

My sister wanted two but had a MC & was never able to conceive another and she’s now too old to have any more. so would’ve loved to have had second but cant & wont.

I personally think 2 is enough and I think 3 does change the dynamic a lot compared to 2. It’s obviously a lot more work & expense as well.

at the end of the day you both have to be onboard with it as it’s a big decision &
u don’t want ur DH to resent it if it does happen or affect your marriage, so I think it is something u have to accept. It’s not worth potentially losing your family over.

You have two options - you either stay with your husband and accept that you won’t have another baby, or you decide that your need for another baby means you and your husband are no longer compatible, so you divorce and you embark on a new relationship where you can have another child.

I think there’s a huge clue in your comment “it just feels like nothing goes perfectly for me ever“. What do you mean by ‘perfect’? What would have to happen for you to feel like your family plans have gone perfectly? Is this achievable or are you aiming for something that doesn’t exist and then being disappointed?

There was a very similar thread posted a few days ago about a poster who thought her husband should give her a 3rd baby as she was depressed with kids of a similar age and health problems. Are you the same poster?

Children are a life long commitment, people in their own right. They should and deserve to be wanted by both parents. Not simply brought into this world because a parent is depressed or wants a "perfect" life.

I understand and empathise with your difficulties. But you have to stop seeing yourself as a victim in all this. A third child isn't going to make your life magically perfect or better. In fact it's just going to add to the chaos, juggling three kids of different ages and needs.

I grew up one of three. I had a happy childhood but as someone said, it's not a dynamic I'd choose for myself. Someone was always left out (normally me as I was the only girl) and it was always two against one. We arent close now as adults, certainly not a support for one another and theres no extended family dinners. Things don't always turn out how we want. That's life. No ones life is perfect and it would certainly be a massive responsibility on some unborn child to make your life "perfect"

I have a friend who was like this after 3 children. She just loved having babies and feeling so needed by them - she openly said this. She also said she'd never be done and would always be looking for the next child. Her DH didn't want more after 3 and she accepted it but it was just the way she felt.

Perhaps this is you OP looking for a baby to make you feel a way you think it'll make you feel? I don't know. But I'd say keep going with the therapy - it might be that it's not really another baby that you want but some other joy or validation in life? I wish you well 💐

You sound like you are wallowing and you need to snap out of it. Nothing goes perfectly ever for anyone. I have 3 children, all with additional needs, all high needs, I have chronic illness, my husband has just started chemo, the last few years have been bloody hard! But I don't wallow. Im grateful every day for what I have. I find joy in so mamy beautiful simple things, because i refuse to be someone who thinks and acts like "why does everything always go wrong for me." Things are never going to perfect and you'll always be disappointed if you strive for perfection. Life can be really shit some of the time. A brand new shiny baby is not going to make life perfect for you.

If you’re not talking about because he’s busy and you’re not trying to talk him round in any way, how do you know it’s definitely a no go? He won’t know how you feel unless you talk to him straight, not give hints or outline.

Nothing goes perfectly for anyone, ever. You have more than most people, maybe that's enough?

True re finances but most women do work - it isn’t 1986, I don’t actually know any SAHPs come to think of it.

The impact on your children because of your depression will be apparent even if they don't know why you're sad.They will know you are. You see, you feel horrible every single day.And they will pick up on that.And imagine if they found out, it's because they're not enough for you and you want more children.

Your children are now at an age where they're at school and you can have more independence back. They aren't totally dependent for every care need anymore and can do some things themselves.

They no longer need daytime naps, so you can have the day to yourself.To go somewhere with them.

If you had a baby and got pregnant right now, your children would be 5 and seven by the time you had a newborn and six and nine with a one year old.

It would be super expensive.You'd need a bigger car, possibly a bigger house, family holidays all tend to be two adults and two children so do family tickets.

Being honest.What if you had a third boy? Is this because you want a girl?

It’s a shame you think nothing goes perfectly for you when you have 2 lovely children and a DH. Many people would absolutely love to be in your situation. Maybe be appreciative of what you have

I think some of theses comments are a little bit harsh/flippant. The OP is clearly upset and struggling. Unless you have experienced the yearning to have another child (whether you already have 1/2/3 etc.), it's hard to understand just how strong the feeling is, and it's almost like a form of grief if it doesn't/can't happen. It's easier said than done to just get over it.

OP, I do understand how you feel, but as others have said, unless you're prepared to separate from your husband, I think you do need to learn to accept the situation. It will take time, but from my own experience, there is something to be said for thinking very carefully about all the things that will be easier with 2/harder with 3, money and time-wise. I think looking at it from the perspective of your existing children will help too - they will have more of your attention and support, both emotionally and financially, and that's really important.

There's nothing really you can do. You keep saying your feelings need to be validated, but you also you need to validated your husbands. It doesn't really matter how many children you initially wanted. No one really knows how they will find parenting once they are in it and two children is a lot and can stretch many people. Your husband sounds like he feels he's at his limit which is perfectly acceptable.

Children deserve to be wanted by both parents. No one should be pressured into having children they don't want to appease the other parent. You have two children already. I'd focus on your own family as well as engaging with counselling.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you’re grieving the family you always imagined, and that’s a very real feeling. Be kind to yourself and give therapy time to help you through it.

Iim sorry but you need to stop this. For the sake of the children you do have. Because trust me this will affect them as they grow up. What is "perfect" anyway? I think I would change therapist.

Nobodies life is perfect so you need to get your head out of that slump to start with.

Also it’s one thing pre children to think you’ll want 3/4/5/6 but once they come along and the reality of actually raising those children hits it means often people decide to have less.

You even get over it or you split your family up to chase this third child.

I couldn't have any children. You have to come to terms with it somehow and live with the acceptance. I had therapy and did a lot of work on accepting and loving my life as it is, and trying to look on the bright side.
It's awful op, but you do have 2 lovely children. Enjoy and cherish them and like other have said, quit while you're ahead!

"it just feels like nothing goes perfectly for me ever"
No-one's life is perfect? And there is no guarantee having another baby would go perfectly.
Appreciate what you have.