Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

It honestly doesn't sound like you're mentally stable enough to have another baby I think your husband is being sensible. You need to be putting the family you already have first and get yourself well for them. Unless you're exaggerating about having clinical depression flooding your body with hormones and sleep deprivation isn't going to help. I have bipolar so I obviously have periods of depression and I can barely look after the children I have let alone extras. If I had of been diagnosed prior to having children I wouldn't have had children as its selfish their lives are significantly disadvantaged due to my illness

So you do in fact want a girl so she'll be your companion when you're older? That's wrong on so many levels and you're clearly confusing modern reality with a Jane Austen novel. Concentrate on the lovely boys you have and don't spoil their precious childhoods with this obsession. You're looking for something, and I'm sorry about that, but another baby is not the answer.

YANBU to feel as you do, since it sounds like you always wanted a larger family, but your DH is NBU either and whether you made your wishes clear or not doesn't matter, because he's allowed change his mind.

Before we have DC we have no idea what it will really be like. When I met my DH he wanted two or three, but having had our first I had to persuade him to have our second - he'd have been perfectly happy to stick with one because it was so much harder work than he'd realised. Having a DC with a health issue or SEN makes a lot of people reassess what they know they can cope with too. It sounds like your DH has a very demanding job and adding another DC into the mix is maybe just a step too far for him.

But back to you - you clearly struggle with your MH and honestly OP I would be grateful for what you have. Have you always been a glass half empty person? You have so much to be grateful for! Practising gratitude sounds twee and like nauseating therapy speak, but it can really help to remember how fortunate you are. You have two wonderful DC so stop focusing on what you don't have and look at what you do.

I went through similar but I just have one child. We always thought we would have a second but my DH changed his mind. I was so resentful when all my mum friends started to get pregnant with their second.

My way of making peace with it: understand that my DH is entitled to change his mind, he didn’t deceive me. Having smalls kids is different from the idea of having small kids - you only know how full on the experience can be when you go through it. Understand his reasons - I had to accept he was right in many points (no village support; two busy careers, with mine being the worst); a big health scare with our son when he was born that could be potentially linked to genetic causes so we would have to go through many checks etc; lack of time for things that were important for us individually and as a couple - we both were so busy pursuing our own interests before the kid.

He is a fantastic and hands on father to our son but I think he would have struggled mentally with another child. It became a non brainer decision after a while reflecting on his reasons.

@Adeline261 - my lovely, nothing goes perfectly for any of us. And I know how unfair things can seem, especially when you see other people getting the things that you are yearning for, but can't have. I never managed to successfully breastfeed any of my dc, and I spent years beating myself up and considering myself a failure as a mum, because all my friends could breastfeed so easily and here I was, utterly unable to do the most basic thing and nourish my own child.

It contributed to postnatal depression, although I was already prone to clinical depression as a result of childhood bullying, and I have had a lot of therapy, and antidepressants, to get me to a stage where I realise that I did my best, and that I have raised three healthy, happy young men.

I think it is good that you are in therapy, and I hope that it helps you to come to terms with your situation as it is, and to be able to enjoy the life that you do have.

Yes boys tend to go off more than girls. But that’s down to how you raise them as well.

If you have a genuinely good relationship, are not the type to be controlling or demanding are easy go with the flow. Not going to accuse the gf of stealing your baby away from you and don’t blame everything he ever does that you don’t like on her.

You’re likely to have a nice lovely normal family relationship with your son And his wife and children in the future.

Also don’t favour one child over the other because that’s a sure way to push one away as well.

Dh would spend much more time with his parents and us as a whole family if he felt there was space for us emotionally and time wise.

But his sibling takes it all so we are self sufficient in every way possible it means they don’t get many invites because we don’t want to invite 7 people we want to invite 2 but 2 will inform the others and now it’s bigger than a nice meal and our children enjoying their grandparents.

This is absolute bollocks. I have two brothers who while I'm not close to them are close to my parents. My dad and his brother always remained close to their parents.My husband and his brother are VERY close to their parents, my lovely in-laws. We've had countless family holidays together and family occasions together and they are very involved grandparents.

My male cousin is close to his parents and they regularly help out with childcare and go away together as a family. My parents have friends who have sons and are all close. Me and my husband have friends and other male family members in our extended family who are still close with their parents and those that have kids are all involved.

It's only on mumsnet I see this narrative that boys ditch their mums and family when they get a wife. It very much doesn't happen in real life. I have two sons and I'm not even the slightest bit worried this happening.

You could have a 3rd child and it could be another boy. It could have serious health issues. Why not be grateful for the 2 boys you have.

Also I am one of three and I absolutely hated it. I vowed if I had children I would only have 2.

It can be tough! I was in the same boat as you (also with two boys). However, we had a late term loss in between them so it probably made me have a reality check more so and appreciate what we have even more. That being said, I’m one of three, my partner is one of four and I always envisaged having 3 kids and he was on board but changed his mind. He literally announced without us having a discussion during the c section for our last boy that he wasn’t having anymore. I think having two busy boys was a lot different than he imagined on top of having a busy job. I struggled for a while immensely with this and it almost seemed unfair that he had the final say but then I looked for the positives. 1, how incredibly lucky we are to have two healthy children, we don’t need to upgrade the car, we can conquer and divide and give them both equal attention when we are both here, we can afford to send them to a great school and go on holidays and for them to do lots of extra curricular activities which we may not have been able to do with three. We did get a puppy once we knew we were stopping at two (not that I suggest this is the answer). Now it’s been a couple of years since - I’m actually very happy we stopped at 2. My oldest has now started school and I feel like I’m now finding time for myself and career also. Sending hugs to you - it’s hard but in time you may look at what you have and realise that you’re looking at happiness and what your little family should be!

What are his concerns?

One of my children was born with a health condition which was addressed but requires yearly checks

One of my children was born with severe learning disabilities which affects our lives and that of her sister every day, and will do for the foreseeable future, her special school was a 50 mile a day round trip. We still have fun and friends. It's not the cards you're dealt, but how you play them.

Your life looks perfect to me, as others do to you. But nobody's life is.

Mine are both grown now. My ds li es abroad and my dd will in the next 12 months. The world is smaller than it was and travel is easy, albeit to one on a different continent. There is also face time. We cannot anticipate the shape of our children's livea.

It sounds like there is a fear of loneliness from you here. You’re making some big assumptions about the adult lives of your children which are based on some pretty dated gender stereotypes. I’d take this as a sign that you need to start carving out a life for you now they are getting older and less dependant (something which, presumably, you feel you wouldn’t have to face if you had another baby as the dependency and sense of purpose cycle would reset and continue…).

Is there a hobby you could start to invest time in? Are there places you want to travel to? Could you focus on your health and wellbeing, eg exercise and movement to keep you strong and able as you age? Friendships you could invest time in? A goal at work or a related qualification?

Oh I am one of two - my brother is the one who lives near my parents to help. I don't live near them all. I don't have a strong bond with my mum. We see each other occasionally.

I have my 19yo still hanging around and he's not in a rush to leave? He helps with my shopping.

In response to your update OP, I am one of two girls and neither of us live near our parents or have these busy family occasions you mention etc. You can't plan for what your life will look like when your children are adults OP. Even daughters sometimes move to Australia etc. You equally could have another boy who might have additional needs and never leave home.
I really wanted two children but struggled to conceive a second time round. DH was also unsure about a second child so eventually we stopped trying. I was devasted and spent quite a lot of time crying but eventually I got to the stage where the thought of going through the baby years again made me break out in a cold sweat. DH also had a lot of mental health issues and in the end it probably made my life much easier not to have that second child. I really just wanted to say that we are biologically programmed to want to have babies (in general) but as your children grow up and you move out of that phase of life the feeling passes. Many people have said this to me also. It won't hurt as much as it does now forever.

You can't rely on your DC to be your companions as you get older. You need to carve your own life (speaking as someone who is entering empty nest life)

No guarantee if you had girls they wouldn't move abroad

I know this is an MN standard but could this be hormonal?
I am childless not by choice. At the relevant time, fertility trearment was much nastier than it is now and much less successful, additionally harder to get through NHS and wildly expensive privately. We discussed it a lot and decided to leave it to fate with no investigation, that we would be ok to be childless and we were. I had a happy and fulfilling marriage and life. Then peri hit and "not yet" became "not ever". I was shocked to be so affected. I managed a young team and many were expecting or expecting to expect, we had celebrations for people going on mat leave and visits from the mums with new babies. I couldn't face any of it, luckily was in a management job share so could avoid most of it. My head still knew it was unreal but the feelings were genuine. I imagine it would have been much worse had I actually really wanted a child.

Lucky for me the feelings resolved as I got further into peri.

Just to add some perspective for you OP....

I have four DC (all boys) and two have additional needs. It can and does happen. If I knew then what I know now there's no way I would have had 4. I would have stuck at 2.

Enjoy the two you have.

Do you seriously suggest that everything ever discussed before marriage is to be held to as some kind of precontract?

That nobody is ever allowed to change their minds and must always stick to what they originally said?

Even if he originally knew that and said that - several years of life and marriage and family, life has happened since then. And he's seen what it's really like.
Now that they've had 2 children, one has had health problems, all of which might contribute to the husband not wanting to do it again. And you suggest he should be held to what he said premarriage?

Unbelievable.

Things don’t go perfectly for anyone

I agree.

Even when people seem to have it all, a perfect life, there's always something lurking in the background that only they know about. I've been surprised many times when discovering things about my friends lives. That I thought were perfect.

I agree. It's a deeply held life goal, as OP has related.

When you say "depressed" what do you mean please?

@Adeline261
TBH both of you are 'right'
It is OK for him to not want more DC.
It is completely understandable for you to feel bereft by this.

My BIL & SIL had 2 DC. She wanted more, he didn't. They had another DC. He was a shell of himself for the next 8 years. Completely exhausted. No more bandwidth. My DN is lovely BTW - very easy. In fact all 'easy' DC. Their eldest is now 18 and I feel she hasn't had a very present DF for the last 10 years, it's a shame.