Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day.

Op you have 2 healthy kids and you are depressed and feel horrible every single day. Poor kids.
Your husband has a very busy job and you are feeling horrible everyday, I hope it’s not impacting your children.

Very true. I’m desperate for a child but it hasn’t happened yet. Some days I wallow in it, other days I just pick myself up and be grateful for what i do have.

Part of being happy is accepting that things don’t go to plan and that happiness is a mood that comes and goes. It’s not a final destination when everything has gone perfectly.

That's very insensitive to mums who have "only" 1 child, as if this wasn't good enough! Not nice to say "if you had none or just one", thanks for that

There is no guarantee having more children would mean you're not alone when older - or that you'll have a big full house for family ocassions.

Having a baby doesn't replace the need to build a strong social circle and hobbies that are just for you. These are the things that will still be there if / when you have an empty nest in 18 years' time.

You have to also appreciate it's a huge success if your children move out and carve their own lives with your support - whether that means moving abroad or not. How you nurture your relationship with them will shape how much they keep in touch with you. I have friends who are very close with their families in spite of living in a different country from them - they keep in regular touch and have good relationships with them all. This is something that is built and nurtured from childhood, rather than a natural occurance, or because there were 3 siblings not 2.

What do you have to look forward to in the next 2-5 years?

IMO a lot of parents of kids under around 8yo think about more but once they hit that point you start thinking about all the new firsts, like secondary school, residential etc and the excitement shifts to that era instead of the thrill of pregnancy, babies, names, nurseries etc

But if you don't have anything to plan and look forward to, it's quite hard to move on.

I think the best metaphor I can think of is that this period is like being two drinks down- more must be better, right? - but once you start sobering up (or moving out of the baby/toddler age and making peace that that stage of life is over and you need to grieve it and move on, you realise how fab it is to have such a lovely life.

Is it because you want a girl, OP?

I have 3 because 2nd pregnancy I twins. I know you’ll probably not believe me (because I didn’t when people said it to me) but teens are so expensive beyond your imagination. Driving lessons, tech they need for school, uni costs, transportation to 6th form. My advice would be to enjoy the two you have and use the money to enrich their childhoods.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a third but you can’t manipulate or persuade your dh or there resentment lies. You need to move to acceptance and picturing a different future that’s equally as lovely.

You can’t worry about what might happen in the future. I’m one of three, my sister is dead, my brother lives near my parents and sees them regularly but is single and has no kids and I live far away (and couldn’t get away quick enough). Don’t be sad now because you might not get those occasions- what you need to do is provide a safe and happy home and the child, whatever the gender is more likely to stay in touch and be closer to you.

I have 2 but wanted four as there is only me and my brother and there is 11 years between us and we have a superficial relationship. Now mine are 21 and 26 I'm glad I only had two. They never went without anything, both were able to learn to drive, both attended (and still is for ds21) university. Bloody hell the expense once they reach their teen years can't be under estimated!

You have two healthy happy children. Your husband doesn't not want any more and that's his right. Keep up with the therapy or find a new therapist.

My DH was the same I wanted 3 kids he said he didn’t want any more after 2. I am 52 now and am so glad he didn’t want any more, the cost, the reduction in experiences we would have been able to give them, bigger car etc… plus my DD has been in MH services for 5 years and her behaviour has almost lost us our marriage. I couldn’t have coped with 3 and I know my case is extreme but many of my friends are also finding parenting teenagers/ young adults really tough.

I think you need to reframe your situation someone told you boys leave their mothers and you will be lonely!! They all leave and you build a new life around you and your DH. My DS is still with us travelling the world, coming home inbetween- you have at least 14 more years before your youngest goes to uni (if he does)!! why on earth are you thinking that far ahead!!

Agree wholeheartedly with this. I grew up as one of four. My parents (despite being extremely wealthy therefore able to give us anything we wanted) just couldn’t cope. I don’t think anyone could. I just got forgotten about.

I do think anyone with 3+ is selfish.

You already think your 4 year old is going to move abroad when he is an adult?

You are spiralling and will waste their childhoods worrying about the future

I'm sorry, OP. It doesn't seem fair that a husband (as it so often is) can just change his mind about having a larger family after seeming in favour of that (if he did seem happy with having three), and the wife just has to take that reversal and massive disappointment with a sweet smile or she's being unreasonable.

Realistically, your best option is to focus on your boys and the very real benefits of only having two, but that feeling of being backed into a corner by your husband and forced to accept something you really don't want, must be so hard. Perhaps couple's counselling would help your relationship?

Be grateful for what you have ( two healthy kids ) rather than what you don’t have

you have 2 choices stay
leave - try and have another baby with someone else

I'm a single mum of one, that wasn't what I ever imagined but I work hard to appreciate what I have rather than envying others (I could envy you, with your happy marriage and lovely family of four, as would many).

I think it's also a socially and environmentally responsible thing to do to stop at 2 given the already massive strain on planetary resources/climate change etc, rather than doubling yourselves IYSWIM. Perhaps you could think about that as well?

Nothing goes perfectly for anyone and insisting on having everything exactly as you want is a recipe for misery. It's painful to be longing for a baby you can't have, but the obvious alternative is breaking up your existing children's home on the chance that you might have one later. Would that count as a perfect outcome?

I have an only child, a son, and totally get your fears. However I am someone who left for uni and lived hundreds of miles away from family, and I was so happy, so I know my son if he chooses that path of independence will most likely be too.

We can't curate our lives to that degree. My mum has 2 daughters and we both buggered off at 18, one of us doesn't get along with her. I have friends with adult sons who have lovely close relationships. As you've seen when plans don't. Work out as expected (I know exactly how you feel in that regard! ) do trying to imagine how a third child may solve this or that may not be the case. It might put stress on your marriage for one.

More therapy x

Honey, nothing goes perfectly for ANYONE ever. Get off social media.

I always wanted 3 but as my husband already had a child, we stopped at 2 because of car size, house size etc and yes, I was sad about it for a while but now they're all teens or in their 20s and I can see that they all have a much better quality of life than if we'd stretched ourselves further financially. I can see that my career's much stronger and more advanced and interesting without the extra years of mat leave and part time work. We don't have loads of money but we'd have had even less with another person in the mix.

And that's what you've got to bear in mind that it's not just another baby. It's a baby who becomes a toddler, a school child, a teenager, a student, a young adult, and all those dramas and financial responsibilities along the way.

Is it the baby stage you miss? I see a fair few mums on here who yearn for that phase of parenthood.

The freedom comes much earlier when you stop after 2. I'm at that stage where only one child's left in high school doing GCSEs, they're all so much more independent. There's still a lot of parenting to do, it's just different.

What are your husband's reasons for stopping at 2? Have you discussed them or is it just a straight out no?

It's something to talk with your therapist about but it's also something that needs to be a shared decision with you and your husband.

so you want a girl who is going to live near you and have babies because that’s what you want her to do 🤦‍♀️

I have a friend with three girls who have all moved to abroad to Australia, New Zealand and America. None have children. You can’t base your choices off what you expect your children to do in the future.

don’t base your choices based off your expectations of gender roles

I understand your sadness - I love big families too but ultimately it needs two yeses to have children / more children.

I will say whenever the media / commentators bang on about birth rates and blaming women alone for it… I think that so many of the women I know, it’s not them who wanted to stop at the number they have. It’s their male partners.

Anecdotally, i've always found that the mother / son bond is harder to break.

So much of your woes are about things you're imagining. You could just as easily imagine nice things or ideally try to live more in the moment instead of draining the fun out of that by conjuring up these worst case scenarios. There are ways to shift your thinking and to also listen to more positive influences. Just because there's some cliched bs pedalled about boys vs girls doesn't make it so for your children. Think of boys who live with their parents for life! Which isn't exactly preferable, but there's a whole spectrum between and you've zero idea how things will go because none of us know and all we can hope for is that our kids are happy and healthy.

Stop swallowing the crap other people talk about total unknowns and feeding your fears, and engage more fully in the children you have and in your own life and interests because you can't live through the DC anyhow, no matter how many you have. You needn't ever be alone if you cultivate other friendships and fulfilling pursuits instead of investing everything in offspring and not even being satisfied with that now when they are young and sweet and need your attention.

The thing with babies is there is no compromise, you can’t have half a baby!

I was the other person in this scenario-DH wanted more, I absolutely did not. We did not have anymore because obviously that would have been quite stupid. DH made peace with it a few years ago as our youngest hit double figures and he now agrees it would have been chaotic and daft.