Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

Another thing that does make me sad though is that people say that boys tend to leave their mums when they get married or meet a partner and will move away, so I have visions of those busy family occasions with my kids etc just won’t happen because we’ve got two boys and they’ll be with their partners families. They’re so confident too I can picture them moving abroad when they’re older and my husband will be off playing golf and I’ll just be alone!

You really are overthinking all of this you know. You're worrying about what might happen 25 years from now! I'm the wrong side of 60 and one thing I've learnt is that life is very unlikely to be exactly how you imagined it was going to be 20 years ago!! Mine is worse in some ways, but way better in others. I have a lot less savings than I imagined and never managed to work and build up a pension. Grandchildren, however, are more joyful than I could have ever imagined. You just can't get a prescription for how your life will turn out, you just have to enjoy the good bits while you have them.

Your husbands reasons are perfectly valid. You have had two children with health issues, one you said still required on-going check ups. Having a 3rd child isn't going to un-do the past. You're not going to "catch a break" with a brand new baby and two older children. And theres absolute no guarantee as you know a new baby won't have health issues themselves.

Adeline261" I mean nothing goes perfectly for me ever." Does it for anyone though? Most people have problems and worries.I think you are being unrealistic here . Having 2 children is a privilege for many.4 DC take a lot of care ,thought and expense! I would try and be happy as u are .

Nothing goes perfectly for anyone OP. Most of us could think of at least one aspect of our lives that if it were different we'd be happier. Unfortunately when something isn't available to us, be that good health, a loving family, money, children, we have to find a way to make our peace with it and focus on what we do have.
Your situation is tricky because rather than see another baby as something that's not available to you, you are seeing it as something your husband is keeping from you, and that you can persuade him to give to you. While you still have this attitude you won't find your peace, and you will waste much time in your current state of mind.
I think you need to focus on accepting his decision (you know a coerced unwilling father would be a huge problem) and decide whether to stay or take the gamble of leaving to find a new partner.

Well unless you leave your husband and break up the family to
pursue this alone - it’s not going to happen. So move on, focus on prioritising your current kids and making your business successful to support them. That’s literally all you can do.

Reason we didn’t have a 3rd child

we’d have had to move house
I’d have been off work again and it wasn’t viable my husband has an health condition that worsens as he get older and he didn’t feel that was far to a child when he already struggles with the 2 we have.

reason I wanted a 3rd

my 2 are IVF and we had one viable embryo left and I felt sly leaving it on its own!
some counselling helped me through

How do you know that having another child would make things perfect? They might also have a health condition, or there could be a million other reasons why it doesn't go as you envisage.

It sounds like you are a bit hung up an an idea/ a fantasy life which is not rooted in reality and might not really be about how many children you have.

I think this is as much about your mindset - wanting things to go perfectly is not realistic, and honestly, complaining 'nothing ever goes perfectly for me' sounds a bit childish to most adults who have lived in the real world for any amount of time!

Even if you had a whole long list of what you thought you wanted and got every single thing on it, your life may well not feel perfect.

It's the lens you are looking at it through. You can change your perspective without changing your life.

I wasn’t really seriously considering a third, but we did discuss it and this was exactly what my DH’s view was. We’re so lucky - why risk that? I was over 40 and had had several mcs before DS2, but I’m sure he would still have had this view if we’d had no mcs and we were 35/36.

You can't control if your kids stay around, if you have 1 or you have 10.
What are your husband's reasons?

TBH, I wondered this too.

Please stop giving your headspace to worrying about the future and hypothetical scenarios, while you are doing that you are unable to live in the moment and enjoy the children you have. You could persuade your husband to go for number three, have a girl and she could move to Australia or could have a wife not a husband. One of your boys could become a priest, or never leave home. You don’t know, you can’t know what will happen between now and them growing up and getting married.

If his job is demanding can you blame him he doesn't want two small boys and a baby? He doesn't have the mental capacity to look after a baby now and have more responsibilities. He's probably also aware of the financial impact, the ability to support your children in the future - the cost of university, weddings, mortgage deposits would grow by 50%. I would love a third too but I've grieved it already because you just have to be realistic

You have two health, confident boys but you can’t be happy with that?

My DC are slightly older than yours but when my youngest was starting school I was desperate for a third, now the pushchair, nappies, nursery fees are all a few years behind me and the desire for another has passed.occasionally I get broody but not often. It seems to be fairly common and does pass

I think you need some futher counselling and to live in the present.

You're pinning your happiness on lots of 'what might be' which have little basis in reality. You can't plan everything, your children may not be around as you age. You may have another child with medical issues. Your husband is clearly happy with the 'handful' he already has.

Wanting another a child can be understandable, but it seems to have taken over your life and you are pinning too much future happiness on your ability to do that.

Neither of you is unreasonable, and there is nothing whatsoever you can do. You have a straight choice between coming to terms with the situation or leaving your husband in search of someone to have another child with.

Personally, I’d concentrate on the fact you have two healthy children. We have one, and we’re expecting a second but it didn’t work out (several times); I feel guilty every single day about that but I’m blessed with a beautiful, happy daughter, and I’m luckier than many others.

My brother lives in the same town as mum and I as a female live 36 mile away and see my mum every 3 weeks or so. There's no law that says boys leave and girls cling to you when they grow up! That's not a reason to keep having kids and an unfair expectation to put on a kid because they should be allowed to do what they want with their life when they grow up!

Start thinking about the impracticalities!:
A) dropping out of running your business to have another pregnancy and the financial risk to your family.
B) think of all the childcare costs when they are all school age.
C) you can't assume your third child will be perfect, what about severe disabilities or complex needs.
D) what of post natal depression kicks in

Think of negatives instead of the fairytale aspects of it.

Nothing goes perfectly for most of us, though, that's reality.

Before we got married and had children both my husband and I had thought we both wanted 3 kids, we said we would see how it went, how we coped and finances etc. When it came to trying for number 3 I found I just didn't want a third (well, the baby/toddler stage) and, although sad, my husband understood.

This is not very convincing that you’re not just hoping for a girl.

Build a life with your children and outside It, if you’re worried about nothing to do!

Having more children isn’t the answer.

Sounds like you are blaming yourself for your partner's decision. If only you made things look different, easier...if only your child didn't have a health complication...

Trying spinning it around. Because you and your boys are enough, that's why he doesn't want anymore children. Not because you failed, but because you are now everything and more and he doesn't want to risk that for an unknown 3rd.

I understand your position, but try to reframe.

I agree with you. I was quoting someone who said something about life not going perfectly for anyone and we just need to accept it.
i agree and i shared my own experiences

Desperate for a child when you have none is one thing to have two very young children and feeling depressed and horrible every day because you cannot have more is another thing.