Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

I have a really lovely husband, who leaves me in no doubt that me and the kids are the centre of his world. We are totally aligned in pretty much everything….except when it came to baby number 3 (potential, didn’t actually happen).

My feelings were very similar to yours, I genuinely felt heartbroken. I cried so much, and honestly it is the only thing in our whole relationship that my husband hasn’t been willing to do that I really wanted to. He pushed back so hard, it was a flat no. I cried loads over a long period of time and he stood firm, he was adamant it was the wrong thing to do.

In the end, I was so upset that he said we could have another, but on reflection I didn’t want to have a baby with someone who really was only doing it to keep me happy, so I said no.

I am SO glad that we did not have another child. The upset lasted until youngest was 6, but I genuinely thank god every day that we didn’t go ahead. He was right, it would have turned our lives upside down just at the point we were moving into a new phase of parenthood. It would have impacted the experiences the children we had could have, I would have been back to EBF instead of doing the more ‘grown up’ things like taking my youngest to see pop star concerts etc. Honestly, he was so stubborn because without the emotion I had, he was looking at the situation as it was and he made the right call.

We have had a truly amazing life, one of my kids is now grown up and the other is a teenager, and the childhoods they’ve had would have been so different if we had added a third, and not different in a good way.

Really? You think one person in a relationship gets to decide that they’re going to try for a baby?

Having a third child you don't want isn't a compromise. It's just letting the OP have what she wants. There is no such thing in this situation.

If he is that dead set against any more children then he should have the snip. If he refuses then you know he just doesn’t want another child with YOU.. but might consider it in another relationship if yours doesn’t last.

Why are you in therapy?

Because it takes two people to make a baby that's why. How do you propose the OP goes about having a baby with a husband who doesn't want one? Is it fair for a child to be brought into this world with the knowledge one parent didn't want them and potentially resent them?

Two healthy children seems like a good option. If he doesn’t want any more, then you've either got to accept that, or leave, and maybe have another child with someone else.

Having 4 children was non negotiable for me. I absolutely would have left my partner over this. Hes not wrong for only wanting 2 children but your not wrong in wanting 4.

Im not saying you should leave your partner but you really need to think about how much you want more kids. Men can have children forever. If 10yrs from now you split up. He can move on and start a new family with someone else. It may not be that easy for you. Ive seen it happen. From men adamant they were done, until they had a new girlfriend 🙄

Would he compromise and be willing to have a 3rd child?

We all know the answer to that so it's moot. A child should be wanted by both parents. The one who wants it doesn't get to force parenthood on a partner who doesn't want it nor on the child who'll have to live with it. Plus the DH's stance that the family is complete stacks up much better than the OP's abstract wish, which as many have pointed out is not really about having another baby anyway. She's fixating on that as a sticking plaster, but a child can't be that for anyone.

I'm sorry you've had those health issues but you're seriously letting that taint the bigger picture too much if you think you haven't caught a break. You've got two great kids who you're able to put through private school (whether it's DH's choice is irrelevant now, it's the choice you've agreed on and committed to).

That already makes you very lucky compared to many families or many people who wanted kids and haven't been able to have them, or have broken up with their partners, and myriad things that you're conveniently editing out to feed this image of yourself as lacking and unable to catch a break. Instead of seeing that, you're feeding the misery with imagined dark futures with no basis in reality, and envying pregnant friends and bigger families, which will all make you feel shit and convince you there's something missing in your life. This is a mindset issue that will not be solved by a baby and it's within your power to fix if you want to.

As it turns out the OP does work, but of course it's often relevant. I've got 2 friends who had a third the moment their youngest got a reception school place because they didn't want to go back to work and wanted to keep being mum to a baby/toddler. It's very shortsighted as I suspect they will be less keen with three teenage boys at the same time.

Just playing devil's advocate for a moment - everyone is saying Shame, you can't have another child because he doesn't want one. They seem to be assuming that he gets to make the decision. Why is OP's wish for a child not just as vallid in the joint decision-making? He is not the only person involved.
😯

From your glass half empty account of your life, @Adeline261, you sound depressed. Is your therapy addressing your sense of never completely getting what you want and your fear of being abandoned in later life? I think you likely have historical issues that need to be looked at. It doesn't sound like your desire for more children is hormonal (or not exclusively), it sounds like this fantasy is standing in for something else you need. Make sure you are working with a sufficiently skilled psychotherapist to get to the bottom of this. You may find antidepressants helpful too - people often combine therapy and medication. Your family life as it is sounds like it has lots of potential to fulfill you once you work through this - good luck.

What about if you retrained so you could work with children?

Then you’d have a lifetime of supporting young children, without having to have them yourself.

I think some of these responses are quite harsh. You are allowed to feel sad about this, just as your husband is allowed to feel your family is complete. This would be really hard to come to terms with, and I think you can let yourself grieve this for a while. You say your youngest is 4, I found that a particularly hard birthday for my eldest, it really felt like the end of baby/toddlerhood and the start of him being a little boy. But hopefully as time moves on you can too and begin to enjoy the freedom your children being more independent brings. If you can, use some of that time for yourself. (My husband is way closer with his mother than I am to mine by the way!)

Nothing goes perfectly for anyone.

Has he told you why he doesn't want to have anymore children.

It’s OK to be sad and rant if you need too. You pictured a big family, you thought husband was on board but for reasons he has changed his mind.

I always wanted 3, but I changed my mind due to multiple reasons and sticking at 2. The reality of a child is a lot different to the thought of one.

That being said, I think if this is the only reason you’re upset with DH then therapy to work through it, for your sake and your DC’s sake. It really wouldn’t in my opinion be worth leaving an otherwise happy family to try and get pregnant and have another child elsewhere.

Yes perspective is important, you know you’re extremely lucky, others can’t have any children, but you’re also allowed to be sad x

I love my 3. Wouldnt have it any other way

I feel like there are a lot of people being very harsh in these comments. OP, I can relate, we have 3 but I just don't feel 'done'. But, my husband doesn't want any more. Having another child is a two yesses, one no decision. I agree that if he doesn't want another, there's nothing you can do. Believe me, you don't want to pressure him into having a child that he might resent, but your feelings are real and valid. It's so hard when you aren't both on the same page. All you can do is work on accepting the facts and having gratitude for the children you do have, but you aren't selfish and ungrateful for struggling with these feelings. Just don't let it consume you or steal your joy.

Your husband sounds incredibly sensible and in all honesty, it sounds like you need a bit of a reality check and a kick up the bum.

Is it a baby you want or another child? if it is just the baby days you want one last experience of then it is all over so fast and you then have nearly two decades of raising a child to adulthood with all the energy, emotional and physical it entails plus the expense. Hard as it is and sad as you feel, maybe look at what you already have and keep on with the therapy if it is useful.

I can relate. I also had two boys and was desperate for a third when they were little. I wasn't hoping for a girl -- in fact, I would've preferred another boy. I just really missed my babies and wanted to experience it all one last time.

Do you spend time on yourself? That's what got me over my obsession with having another. Going to the gym and exercising, starting to dress nicely, pursuing hobbies.

Furthermore as well, many people don't feel their family is complete after 1 but do after 2. I certainly did.

I am struggling to see your reasons for a 3rd against your husband's sensible decisions for staying at 2. You've made a few points about how difficult things have been for you, how difficult your children's health issues have been, how your life isn't perfect compared to everyone else's and how depressed you are.

I'm struggling to see in what reality bringing a brand new baby into this world, that your husband doesn't want while also balancing the needs of your older two children is going to make your life perfect and easier.

Sperm donor? You have options beyond societies rigid ideas of marriage and family.

He makes sense. But even if he didn't, not wanting another child is enough of a reason not to have another child.

There are no do-overs. Having another child will not make up for the worry you have already experienced.