Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

Sending you love and strength.

OP, may I share a cautionary tale?

Some years ago, I discovered that someone I knew was expecting her third child. At the time, her older two were (I think) 7 and 5. I asked her, as tactfully as I could, if this third one was unplanned. "Oh no," she said, quite matter-of-factly. "I just thought: what am I going to do, now the other two are at school?"

Much later, she admitted that she hadn't really thought it through. They found they needed a bigger house and a bigger car, holidays were much more expensive, and (to use her own words) "it really brought it home to me how long it takes to get back to normal."

HTH

Op i wouldn’t actually recommend you have any more children anyway with your current mindset. Your expectations and impressions of life seem to be misguided.

You seem to be stuck in the baby phase, but really you need to accept that your kids are out of that phase now and focus on supporting them in their next phase of life.

Sex of a child makes no difference as to whether people ‘leave their mothers’. I am female and live a few hours from my mum simply because I moved away for university and then moved again for work. That is the reality for many.

And it matters not one jot how much you explained to your DH that you wanted a big family. Having kids is often a lot harder than you expect. He is being sensible.

Young people are also finding it increasingly difficult to get started in life due to CoL and fewer jobs. Save your money for the boys you already have to support them in their future.

What is leaving her husband going to achieve? As I said before are people really that selfish and short sighted to break up a happy and stable family, see the children they already have less and disrupt their existing children's lives and have them live between two houses just in the off chance they might meet someone to give them a 3rd child. And if they don't? Would leaving their husband be worth it?

There doesn't seem to be any suggestion the OP is leaving her husband so it's a moot point. Because frankly if you can't prioritise the stability and lives of your existing children over your desire for a new baby, then frankly you shouldn't be having one anyway.

No wonder he doesn’t want a third! Health problems! I missed that. Some women just seem to think their needs or wants trump every other issue. What about caring for the dc the op has instead of having yet another dc who might also have problems? Never mind her finding someone else, the DH might!

She does just have to suck it up. This is one of those situations where the one who wants it doesn't get their own way.

You can't force anyone to bring a child into the world that they don't want. You know, a living, breathing, new human being that you have to nuture pay for at least twenty years.

He doesn't want a third one of those.And she does just have to suck it up I don't know why that's a difficult concept to grasp.

Or she can break up her family of course and go and find someone else
But I think that's unlikely to find a man to take on someone with two kids both with health problems and immediately start having another child.

Exactly, children are not emotional support animals. I live about 8 hours from my family. I call constantly and visit when I can but I have my own life independent from them. I think your issues are deeper than wanting another child.

Well, either way one of them is going to be unhappy with the outcome. And I did say I have no idea how it can be resolved. Most people on here seem to think OP should just suck it up, and possibly that will be the outcome. But if she does leave him, he can't say he was unaware how she felt about wanting a larger family.

Im sorry to read that. No wonder you think your boys will grow and leave but please know that it really isnt the norm.

Two is company, three is a crowd and unless you are rich, your DH is right. The expense for three is huge and why csn you not accept his position? Logically he’s right.

You have two healthy children. Focus on them and be thankful for that.

My DH can't have children and won't consider any other options, such as donor. I would do almost anything to have one child.

Your post makes me sad. Why would you think your boys will grow up and leave you? Are the men in your life really that awful to their parents? The men in my family and my partners family are all very close to their parents. Fearing being alone is no reason to have children.

I want love more children but at almost 40, id rather not push my luck, especially because i had difficult births. Partner feels the same way. If tour partner is adamant about nomore children, he wouldnt bat an eye about the snip.

@Adeline261, you’re spiralling! None of that has happened and nothing to say it will!

Kindly, you’re spending a lot of time having real feelings over hypothetical situations. That’s such a waste of emotional energy. You need to really work on this before life passes you by.

And also to add…when life throws an awful situation your way, as it has with me… cancer, bereavement etc… you’ll yearn for these days when things weee good but you didn’t appreciate how lucky you were.

I’d tell him I’m done with birth control and it’s on him. I’m thankful for this as it’s what my mum told my dad. To be fair she told him that when she was pregnant. He loves her and forgave her. She was lucky.

He doesn't want to be "brought round"
I know a few women who "brought round" their husbands to have a/another child. In every case the husband left because none of them had wanted to be a parent or parent another child.

I am beyond grateful for my children. I don’t necessarily want to have another to have a girl. Another thing that does make me sad though is that people say that boys tend to leave their mums when they get married or meet a partner and will move away, so I have visions of those busy family occasions with my kids etc just won’t happen because we’ve got two boys and they’ll be with their partners families. They’re so confident too I can picture them moving abroad when they’re older and my husband will be off playing golf and I’ll just be alone!

People may say that but it’s a load of rubbish, I believe. I have two grown up sons, both married to very nice girls. One of my sons has a little boy and girl. They live very close to us (my other son and daughter-in-law live abroad, no children) and we are very close to the four of them and very much included in their lives. Our other son FaceTimes us every weekend for a chat, and we visit them or they come to us every year. My friend has a grown up daughter with two children, also living near her, but wouldn’t have as much contact with her as we do with ours. I think her daughter gets on better with her mother-in-law than with her mother, to be honest, as my friend is a bit of a perfectionist and is forever tidying her house rather than just enjoying her daughter and grandchildren! That ridiculous saying “your son is your son til he takes a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life” is just a load of old nonsense! Enjoy your two sons and don’t worry about the future and what you think may happen. Build up a loving relationship with your boys, and be hopeful that they meet someone to share their lives with (if that is what they want, of course) and who will be welcomed into your family just as your sons hopefully will be welcomed into theirs.
Many posters have pointed out the extra difficulties (financial and time) with having three children rather than two, and some have spoken about their own experience as one of three. Spend your time building a lovely close relationship with the children you have, and with your husband, and try not to dwell on what “might have been”. Babies are small, cuddly and wonderful, but they also curtail your freedom, and ultimately grow up! Toddlers, children, teenagers and young adults can bring a lot of joy into our lives too! You say that your boys are confident-how wonderful is that! Don’t be afraid to let them spread their wings. If your bond is close, they will always be close to you, regardless of where they live. 💕

🙄

It's not about you. It's obvious the point this poster was making, and it wasn't a dig at one child parents.

I wanted two children.

Baby number two turned out to be twins, so now I have three.

It can be so hard with three children. We both work, so finding time for quality 1-2-1 time with each child can be a challenge. One of the twins is also autistic so that throws its own set of problems into the equation. Both cars had to be changed. They're now 10 and 15, so it's fitting in clubs and taking them places etc...

Not to mention the cost of three. We have had to make huge cutbacks in the past. The cost of holidays as we can't fit into a family room is just one example.

I love my kids but I often think how life would be so much less crazy and less stressful with just two.

It's quite normal to want a third, because getting your head around the concept of not having another pregnancy or baby again is really difficult. But give it a couple of years when they are less little, and parenting moves onto a different phase, and you'll probably not look back with your decision to stick at two.

I love this response, a great example of reframing 🙌🏻🙌🏻

What's the difference? You mean worn down? Great start to that parent's relationship with the child.

If he is that dead set against any more children then he should have the snip. If he refuses then you know he just doesn’t want another child with YOU.. but might consider it in another relationship if yours doesn’t last.

This is bonkers. He doesn't have to have the snip to prove anything, any more than a woman has to have her tubes tied to prove she doesn't want more kids. Some men want the snip, other's don't. No one should be forced into any medical procedure just to make a point, esp not when it's never risk-free. And the 'just doesn't want a child with YOU' is melodramatic and paranoid.

Hi op,

I am in the same boat ATM, desperately want a third but husband is happy with two. After a recent miscarriage, we have decided over the last few weeks that we are highly unlikely to have anymore. He is on the waiting list for a vasectomy however the waiting list is currently a few years. I can't bring myself to close that chapter completely so we have said we will review in a year or so but I know deep down we are done and won't be having anymore.

I've read threads like this before and most people will say be grateful for what you have etc and whilst that is true and I am sure you are grateful every single day, it doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with the fact that you will not have any more children. I do think in a way it is similar to processing grief and it takes time, it will get easier over time but you can't help how sad you feel and I think it is important to allow yourself to feel those feelings.

I struggle with the thought of my children not being little anymore and I loved the pregnancy and baby stage but I keep telling myself how short lived that stage is and that practically these days two is much more affordable in terms of holidays, cars, houses, days out etc. I also have this horrible feeling of something going wrong in labour with a third (no idea why as my other births were fine!) so that's the main reason for me stopping at two.

It's a really hard decision to make closing one of the best chapters of your life but think of all the great things you can do with your current children and all the lovely memories you have still to make 💞

Not coerced, but brought round.