To be worried about my five year old on a day trip without me?

You need to build his confidence stop showing your anxiety and tell him how amazing it's going to be. Children are born with 2 fears falling and loud noises everything else is learned behaviour and at 5 you're his biggest influence

Have the conversation with your friend.

Point out you’re thinking of her as much as DS and DH can take the day off - give her an out in a positive way that she knows she can take it with no ill will.

If she still decides to go ahead - buy her wine 😂

As an aside, kids tend to automatically trust their friend’s parents and are nicer to them than their own! I would guess he’d be far more likely to act out if his own parents were there, that’s usually how it goes. My son’s friends all listen perfectly to me (and they are a pretty high energy bunch!) but I chat to their parents and know it’s not always like that at home.

I think you’re far more likely to ruin their day if you cancel last minute. Am guessing the mum is happy to supervise two boys entertaining each other, but taking one child to soft play is pretty boring for them.

I don’t think any major disasters would happen by the way. But I can imagine sulks and squabbles, tears and emotions, I want mummy / daddy.

But those sort of things could also happen if he stays at his friend's house. 🤷‍♀️ At least if they go out to soft play there are plenty of distractions to keep his mind off missing you.

Unless there is something I missed, surely you tell him in advance he’s going for an exciting day out with his friend. Talk about what they are doing and expectations around behaviour and let them get on with it. Speak positively and reassuringly. Thats what I would have done. We used to take extra children or ours would go with others to cover days in the holidays and thought nothing of it. It’s great for their independence.

“I realise a lot of people think I’m anxious and as a rule I’m not but at the moment I am a bit guarded about him as he has been unpredictable lately and I don’t really want someone else to have to deal with that. It is also hard thinking of him in pain or discomfort (and he doesn’t tend to verbalise this) and not have a familiar adult.”………..then have a conversation with the other child’s parents and explain. If I were taking another child out for the day who wasn’t feeling well I’d be pretty annoyed if a situation developed because of it I hadn’t been pre-warned.
Communicate with people OP…….it isn’t rocket science!

You do sound super worried about it so I think you should just keep him home. Sounds like your son is struggling with his behaviour and you have some work to do before you send him on play dates.

Honestly I think it’s far more likely he’ll act out in his friend’s house (kids almost always behave better when doing something new and interesting) so I can see why the other mum suggested an outing. I took piles of kids out all sorts of places at that age, it was often much easier than staying at home.

Well yes, of course children behave differently in different situations.

However you are the one saying your child's behaviour is "tricky" and "unpredicatable" which by the definition of the words means that he is behaving in ways that are different to the ways that he normally behaves. If he is always wound up by his friend on long car journeys and finds soft play brings out the worst in him, then that is actually "predicatable" behaviour?

If your son doesn't vocalise his pain and discomfort and he is quietly amusing himself while DH works (presumably in another room) then how is DH going to work this out?

Look, you are worried about this situation. That's clear. You are allowed to be worried. But I'm not sure the reasons you've come up with in here are the actual ones. It's totally fine for you to say you don't want him to go so far from home, or that he's been under the weather recently and you'd rather he had a quiet day at home. If you are just worried about the 2 boys winding each other up (i.e. behaving like 5 year olds) or misbehaving, then say that to the other parent and let her decide if she wants to deal with that or not.

If you don’t want him to go then say no, simple.

My daughter is 7 and I actually don’t think I’d trust anyone except some family, school and 1 other family we know to take her out for the day.

I find the majority of people we know don’t supervise their kids very well.

Well it sounds like you don't think he can cope with a day out, so I think you would be best for DH to book the day off.

If he is poorly then yanbu, but your posts read more that you are worried about him being too far away and his behaviour.

I think you need to see what happens. Most kids behave entirely differently for other people, so if he is testing you at home it is unlikely he will for friends mum.

My friend's son has PDA, PDD, ADHD and is a bloody nightmare for his poor parents. Smashes the house up when told no for something, regardless of the reasons. However, when his carers take him out or he comes out with me or other adults, he is angelic. Absolutely nothing to do with anything special about us. And purely about the fact that kids behave worst where they feel safest.

Maybe speak to the mum, explain he has been testing boundaries and you are concerned about him doing that whilst with them. See what she says.

You seen determined to think it's going to be a shit show. Why would they wind each other up I've had DS and his friend in the car multiple times at that age and they just talk to each other, albeit sometimes loudly and if they get silly she just tells them to behave. To assume it will all go wrong is an odd approach. Are you often quite a pessimistic person?

Jesus Christ!

if playing with friends and soft play will cause him pain and discomfort it will best keep him home to watch tv whilst your husband tried to work

Honestly, if his behaviour is that unpredictable at the moment and you're worried about his friend winding him up, it isn't really fair to ask the other mum to look after him in any case, as he is just as likely to behave badly in her home.

Just get your DH to take a day's leave and keep him at home.

So your DS's behaviour is so "tricky" that you worry about your friend taking him for the day, but you are absolutely sure he can amuse himself for a whole afternoon without disturbing DH (a higher than normal standard of behaviour for a 5 year old)?

I think you just don't want your child to go and are trying to come up with excuses to justify. Any 5 year old might kick off on a day trip. If you're a parent offering to look after one, then you know this. If you don't want him to go just tell the other parent and sort out alternative childcare.

Yes the bit about him missing you and being upset really stood out to me.

He presumably spends 5 days a week at school. I genuinely don't know any 5 year olds who would be upset and miss their parents for such a short amount of time when they were having fun with a friend. I know many who would get upset at bedtime or if they'd been away for a few days and the novelty was wearing off for example but none who would be upset during a single fun day out with a friend.

Where are they going …. Presumably a fun place of some description. A play farm or child centric entertainment. If he’s currently well I would have no issues with him going. I’d let her know if she doesn’t already that he’s had an ear infection recently but I think you’re overthinking it. Children will behave far better for other adults than they will their own parents especially if they want to go to the place concerned with their buddy.

Ultimately, you're the parents, so if you're not happy with it, then don't let him go. You have already said that DH can take the day off so you can keep DS at home instead.

Honestly, I would be a bit surprised if a 5yo couldn't cope with what you have described, and I find myself wondering if you are being overly anxious. I think that's something for you to ponder, as too much parental anxiety isn't good for children. However, you know your own dc better than anyone on MN and there may be undiagnosed SEN, current behavioural issues etc that none of us are aware of, and at the end of the day, you have to follow your own instincts about what's right for him.

You don't have to agree to anything that you don't feel he is yet ready for... just try to that that you're making the decision on the basis of what HE is ready for, and not on the basis of what you're ready for as parents.

You need help with your anxiety.

I think it's fine if you say actually he has been a bit tricky recently and I don't want his behaviour to spoil the day and then turn down the invite. However this might mess up plans for her child as it they are an only child she might have felt taking them out somewhere together would give them each a play mate and better than when she takes her child alone.

You do seem a bit contradictory though. You are worried about his behaviour yet happy for him to sit from 1-3.30 at home unsupervised. Surely this would be worse e.g. DH assumes he is safe watching a film but actually he is quietly raiding cupboards or doing something else.

This is more about your feelings than his.

Sums it up.

You’re being very precious and honestly quite rude about your friend by saying “not sure if she realises”. She has a 5 year old, she’ll be well aware of what 5 year olds together might be like. It’s up to her if she feels she can handle it.
Id say it’s actually a great opportunity for your child to learn to be resilient and not tied to you. He’s safe with somone he knows and his friend. Not a total stranger. It’s an hour, not a week. This is more about your feelings than his.

You are overthinking this! He will be fine. Send a bottle of calpol and lots of snacks. Let her know about the grommets and point out that if he gets cranky he might need calpol and a rest. I am sure she is more than capable of looking after 2 little boys. Totally normal for little kids to sometimes get a bit overwrought so it won't be anything new. He won't behave anywhere near as badly for another adult as he does for you anyway, that's just how kids are.