AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

I understand giving it another go after your last break up OP but, these incidents really are awful. And, if he's like this with day to day issues goodness knows how he'll react to long term or serious stress/difficulties.
I'd trust that your initial feeling about splitting were valid and make it permanant now or this could result in you & your children living on eggshells forever.

@HelpMEunderstand0 All of your H's behaviour is terrible but this "A little boy of 8 years old is on the resort and is very good at pool and has beat both my kids in good spirits each time he’s played them. DH said “ Let’s see how good he is then “ and proceeded to floor him, hitting the balls in really hard and a little aggressively. I was mortified that a 45 year old would take joy in beating a small 8 year old and my son then got annoyed with DH and tried to knock the cue out of his hand on the last shot which made DH shout “ if you did that to someone in a real pool match they would punch you in the face “
is repugnant.

You said your DS excuses that behaviour based on love and a diagnosis that H refuses to even have confirmed. That is both sad and concerning.

You and your children deserve better lives than to exist with a man who is a bully.

It's easy to say "LTB" but I hope it is practically possible for you to leave him.

I’m sorry, but if he is autistic then the way he reacts is likely entirely related to his iteration of autism. Some autistic people are able to reflect, like you, but others are not and it is part of their autistic wiring that they have limited/ no ability to challenge their own thoughts.

This makes them terrible spouses/ partners and parents.

You said it was a decisive holiday. Judging on what you said about the holiday, surely that decision is leave.

You've done it once before. Don't flip flop this time. It needs to be permanent. Stop making excuses for him and stop involving your children in the decision which has more implications than they will understand. Yes, it will be hard for them, but children are adaptable. I'm sure your husband will make things difficult and blame you, it is after all how abusive men behave.

He is an absolutely vile man. YANBU

I would struggle to like him too based on what you've described. Particularly the undkindness to a small child, it is not only a bit nasty but quite pathetic.

I understand your worries about DS missing his dad if you left, it is a difficult situation.

But for what it's worth, I don't think you sound too emotional etc. Definitely stop making allowances for your Dah's poor behaviour based on a non-existent diagnosis. Seems like he is playing on this too.

My instinct is that you'll all be better off without him in the picture. Get some help for DS if you feel he needs it to support him through anything that might happen but don't fall into the trap of staying for the children. You matter too.

This!

I'm autistic, and have always been told it's an explanation, not an excuse. If I do something wrong, once I know about it and understand why it wasn't the right thing to do I apologise and modify my behaviour. Your DH might also be autistic, but the way he reacts to being corrected is nothing to do with autism and is entirely him being a prick.

What a total prick

I would be emotional if I had to share space with this unpredictable nasty git.

Set up a separate household with a sturdy lock and your 'always very emotional' will likely dissipate.

Oh dear. I’m afraid it’s 💯 time to make arrangements to leave. You absolutely must not put up with this and must teach your children that they must not put up with this kind of behaviour in the future.

He sounds really horrible, the pool
thing in particular.

I wonder if part of your DS's adoration for his Dad comes from wanting to keep him happy so he doesn't have these strange and aggressive outbursts. He's likely constantly seeking out the good side of his Dad and afraid of him when he turns. He's possibly internalising his bad moods as something he's done wrong or a failure on his part, rather than his Dad just being nasty. Did you arrange therapy for the kids last time you split? I'm wondering if that may be particularly helpful for your DS.

Please don't take Ds into consideration here. You have to look at the bigger picture because I promise you, once DS is a little older he will see his father for the nasty bully that he is.

Get the fuck out of this marriage. He is utterly vile and he is demonstrating this to his DC. If you are out and have a separate home, you can make it a place of calm and decent behaviour, not this absolute shitshow.

The fact you left and went back has taught him he can say and do whatever he wants and you will doormat yourself. There is no counselling that will make this man a decent human being. He knows he is saying and doing hurtful things, he just doesn't care. The waiting outside the shop was a manipulation. You must know that right?

Was he drunk/drugged?

Tbh your son sounds difficult - repeatedly putting chocolates in a basket and then pushing the cue out of someone hand.

You should have called outside the shop, not at the gate.

Tbh he sounds at his limit too.

He was a twat for being so OTT with the 8 year old tho. eta and for throwing the chocolate. But he does have a point that DSs behaviour risks rising up the wrong person.

I think your son just needs to know that a divorced family can still be ok, he can see his dad and you and be safe and secure. And the longer you leave it the less likely it is to be in any way amicable. It’ll be hard but your kids can make their own judgement about their dad in good time.

The first and last things are comments made in the heat of the moment when frustrated. Not good but none of us are perfect and holidays can be stressful.

The pool thing though would be a turn off for me. It sounded like he wanted to win to impress your children perhaps but it doesn't come across well at all. He shouldn't be trying to show off against an 8-year-old.

I do think DS should be told off for trying to knock the cue out of his hand although the punching reference was a bit unnecessary.

The bigger thing to me would be what the marriage is like outside of a holiday.

One question, do you want to spend the next forty years with this man?

You don't like him, he's abusive and it's not fair on you or your children.
ASD my arse, 50% of my family are ND including my DD.

You have your whole life ahead of you, make it happy.

I was sort of sympathetic with him on the Maltesers thing because you really shouldn’t have to tell a teenager multiple times if something is expensive, but then his behaviour with a random 8 year old?? Appalling.

You’ve split before, maybe time to do it for good.

He doesn't sound autistic, he sounds sociopathic. Complete inability to be kind to children and animals.

This is awful advice - the answer isn’t to tiptoe around or pander to the horrid adult man!

Poorly behaved son or not, DH was supposed to be the adult here.

Even if the OP and son were perfect, the father would still find ways to be horrible. How do you make excuses for him thrashing an 8 year old at pool in an unfriendly way?

No, no. This is a horrible man. If my DP acted like this I’d think he’d had a brain injury or was on drugs, because he’s such a caring, pleasant man. Nobody has to put up with what the OP describes. Raise the bar.

OP, I was once with a horrible, unempathetic, cruel and totally immovable man who refused to see anyone else’s perspective. He too made me feel like I was emotional and couldn’t trust my judgement.

I have a feeling your judgement is fine, as mine was. You’ve probably spent so long tying yourself in knots trying to fix or justify things, or making excuses for his behaviour, and listening to him, that you doubt yourself.

Your son is 15. I know you said he didn’t “cope” last time, but I bet he knows right from wrong too. He may turn out just like your DH if you don’t support him to feel free to see how he is wrong. And your poor DD sounds like she’s miserable.

Like others, I recommend couples counselling, but as a way of helping him to hear some home truths and accept the end of the relationship.

That you would say this is a red flag that you have been emotionally manipulated and probably abused.

Your son might need help from a third party to cope, but I think you leaving would definitely be a positive thing for your and your daughter.

Ok. I read the first sentence to this post and was about to come here with a long message of support and advice as being married to an ND partner is very very hard but often worth sticking at.

None of the examples you’ve posted are actually anything to do with difficulties with ASD or (as I was expecting) finding it hard to move on from the way he was parented himself.

these examples are just of a man who is a total arsehole.

if this was a “deciding” holiday, I think you probably know what your answer is

OP you do know that whatever underlying diagnosis somebody has you don't have to stay with them if they're a massive twat right? The consequence of behaving antisocially is that people don't want you in their social circle (or even in their shop if you're going to destroy their stock then rudely refuse to pay for it....) This is cause and effect that pretty much every human is capable of learning, ASD or not, if we enforce boundaries rather than pussyfooting around a diagnosis

I'd suggest that you either split again with DH or at the very least have some marriage counselling. It's probably too late for him to really change but I'd be very zero tolerance of any horrible behaviour and completely disengage with it. I'd also put your energy into ensuring that DS doesn't develop the same entitlement. He needs to understand that boundaries are boundaries whether he has ADHD or not. Not excusing dad's behaviour but repeatedly putting something into a bag that he's been told he can't have at 15 is really not appropriate. He should have been told by you/dad to leave the shop before it became so frustrating. It's sad that he found your first separation so tough as well but staying together isn't the solution. He needs counselling and you need to separate regardless or you'll start to feel that he is holding you hostage in a horrible relationship and you'll resent him for that.