AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

I beg your pardon. Troll hunting is against rules and thinking a post making huge psychological claims based on a post from somebody on the internet is ludicrous which anybody is entitled to point out.

The issue of potential autism is irrelevant. Whether he acts that way due to it or some other reason, you don't have to put up with that.

You are meant to though so they going the pockets 😂

I agree. I don’t know why someone else thought it was ludicrous. The son sees the father’s ’love’ as conditional.

This is slightly off-topic but I don't get why if there is a label we can ascribe to the way DH acts (eg autism) some people would think it excusable and not something he can help, but if it's his natural personality or another biological issue (eg the effects of testosterone) we wouldn't. The other issues might also be innate and something that cannot be changed.

I'm not looking to defend the DH here with this but I think the way we distinguish between ND and other issues that affect people's behaviour is illogical and arbitrary.

Troll

He could have just waited for her outside the shop, as agreed. Why didn't he?

@HelpMEunderstand0 The holiday was to help you decide. He’s made the decision obvious for you. He sounds awful and his behaviour is scarring your children’s childhoods. Life for the three of you would be much nicer without his nasty presence spoiling it.

What a ludicrous post.

The reality is that whilst he might get a diagnosis of ASD, there wouldn't be any "help", so nothing would change.
He doesn't sound the sort to suddenly start researching and understanding his children's needs as a result either.

If this is typical of him and your DS adores him, it's more akin to the unhealthy attachment to an abuser than the trust and respect for a loving father. Both your DC sound like they live waiting for the next time the axe falls and your sons 'adoration' is likely relief and highly elevated happiness that dad is choosing not to be awful right now. He pays for that with anxiety about when dad will be angry again and what that will mean for you all.
You should leave him for all your sakes.

Its not going to matter if he's autistic if your children grow up anxious people pleasers and get into relationships where they get walked all over because they live in fear of setting an angry person off.
Its not going to matter if he's autistic if your children go on to treat other partners and children the same way he treats them.
It doesnt matter why, because you dont have time for him to decide to take a test and the decide if he wants to try and change his behaviour and then try to change his behaviour because by then its far far far too late.

I was going to say something similar, and also that maybe he excuses his behaviour because you do.

She could have texted outside the shop.

Yiu weren’t there and have only heard one side.

You've diagnosed DH as autistic and this allows DS to make excuses for him.

If DH is autistic this does NOT mean that autistic people are cruel unkind and bully others

You must make this clear to DS. You simply must

I wanted to say a few things to the people who gave tried to excuse the husband's behaviour as not that bad. I grew up with a father like this.

The not waiting outside and then being mad because she went to the gate - my father used to pull stunts like this on purpose so that he could bully my mother about it later. He would deliberately not wait where he said he would and then give us the silent treatment or blow up in anger.

He would act like a dick in shops, deliberately, to cause upset. He loved to cause upset and embarrassment. It made him feel clever and powerful.

He would be oddly competitive with other people. Had to win. Bullying children is easy. He would say he was just teaching them a lesson. He wasn't, he was just being a dick.

It is hard to understand if you are not like this, but some people really get off on behaving this way.

This

And get your son counselling to deal with the reality that you canNOT stay with this angry, bully of a man and you can't let your son think his behaviour is acceptable, no matter a potential ND diagnosis or not.

Remind your son that he is ND with his ADHD. That doesn't excuse him from knowing right from wrong. The same rule applies to his father.

Releasing frustration by being rude to shop workers and bullying children?

Come off it.

Exactly this!

Some of the replies on here are insane.

You aren’t going to get a balanced view asking a load of strangers on MN which is a site that has a lot of women that hate men posting on it. We don’t know what your behaviour is like.

It’s your marriage. Often issues are down to a lack of communication and understanding re both sides. If you want to save your marriage then look into therapy. If not then leave but don’t sit there moaning over small petty issues, that isn’t going to be good for anybody.

It’s more likely the uncertainty and instability he finds hard. The push-pull of a toxic relationship.

Maybe others won't agree, but to me, life with 3 family members with special needs could be really tough. Just the extra challenges of one can be very difficult. I dont mean that your DH is right to behave like that - just that I can imagine frustration building to a point where it gets released ocasionally is in some way understandable ?
If he's a good Dad and a provider overall should he not be cut a little slack where possible, considering his challenging family situation?

I think you need to raise your bar. Esp regarding the pool incident.

It’s so sad when children have to try and make excuses for their parents, in a desperate bid to explain their awful behaviour 💔

Okay, obviously there is more to it, and perhaps its something that you had to see for yourself, but I was expecting something a lot worst tbh. The first thing with the maltesers, surely DS was the problem here. If DH decided that they were too expensive and removed them from the basket (which is fair enough) why did DS keep putting them back and did you at any point tell him to stop? Playing pool, he acted like an overcompetitve idiot but not terrible, embarassing maybe. I presume when you said 'floor him' you mean he beat him at pool, not that he physically hurt him. The airport situation sounds like a non-issue, you missed each other. He made the kind of comment that I suspect most people would say, but apart from that, nothing really happened. Leave him if you want to, but these examples don't sound awful to me - although as I said at the beginning, there's clearly a lot more to it.

He sounds like a nasty bully. Unkind too.

What a horrible role model for your children.