AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

Except you didn't 'put an alternative view' did you? You inserted yourself simply to say my post was ludicrous. Its actually far more 'extreme' to respond so rudely and pointlessly to a view you don't like and that was addressed to OP not you.

I wouldn’t give treats to a stray cat unless you are planning to take responsibility for it and feed it properly.

You really want to blame the OP and kids here, don't you? Stressful moments....🤔 sounds like most of the holiday was one long stressful moment, then.

Do you really think that a partner/parent who can behave like this on holiday magically turns into a delightful saint as soon as they're home? Whilst I'd very much welcome OP giving more context re home life, I'll have a bet he's the same regardless of the surroundings. I also don't think OP would have posted if this behaviour was just an abberattion thats not likely to continue at home.

Dh and both have AUDHD. The behaviours you describe don't resonate with me at all. My husband would never treat children like that. It sounds like you have tried your best and put up with an awful lot. Don't let guilt make you stay trapped with an awful man.

Oh for goodness sake. He is 15, both kids were with an adult. Who knows how long she’d been in the shop before the flight! We all say things in stressful moments and saying they’ll have to sort it is hardly earth shattering.

He is horrible, that poor cat, only a nasty person would begrudge a hungry cat.

Please do not equate being an unkind bully with being autistic! that's just gross.

One of my children is autistic and so is my brother in law - they are the kindest most empathetic - anxiously empathetic - individuals I know.

Can i be honest - none of what you described has ANYTHING to do with being neurodiverse. We are at serious risk of legitimising vile behaviour from men nowadays by saying they may be ND. This is unpleasant horrible behaviour -

the description of him trying to belittle a small child makes him sound abusive - I would wonder what the next step would be. He could be violent or abusive to you.

He clearly is though, as are you. This isn't actually a denial. And so what if it were? I still wouldn't believe it.

This!

Seriously...did you even read the part about frightening the child about getting stuck in a foreign country? None of the husband's reactions to any of the scenarios given are reasonable in OPs post, and I know from experience that this is probably the tip of the iceberg. Again, have you lived through this situation yourself?
Also "pulled up on it" re the cue- with "punched in the face" as part of the verbal reaction? Yes.......that's fine, excusable...🙄

I think that for judging a long term relationship with two children, these examples are too petty and circumstantial for us to judge. How is he in normal day to day life? How is his relationship with each child?

Wow now anybody disagreeing is a man! Okaaay

Wtf. Are you a man ?

There really are not.

Kid was repeatedly told no and husband got snippy with a cashier in a challenging situation. Not great but who is perfect when parenting mid escalating challenging behaviour? Op and husband got separated in a busy airport through miscommunication re exact spot. Don’t know enough details like how long she’d been in there, why the husband was parked outside and why she didn’t text on exiting.Child snatched snooker cue out of parents hand and was pulled up in it.

Your husband is a dicked and his children can even tell. Asshole.

Yes- people like Botanicalf are why too much of this shitty behaviour is normalised. BS theory about psychological assessment instead of the glaringly obvious fact that it is: shitty behaviour. But hey, let's enable that with some claptrap from someone who obviously has zero first hand experience of just how damaging it can be.

But sometimes that's the best way to pot the ball in order to get the cue ball to do what you want it to.

Agree with this, it's a well known phenomenon called trauma bonding.

This is where a parent-child relationship is shaped by cycles of parental abuse that causes the child to fear the parent. These moments are interspersed with periods where the parent is not abusive, so the child feels relief. This intermittent abusive/relief cycle is "intermittent reinforcement" - the most powerful way to train humans (and animals).

The consequence is that the child seems particularly devoted to the abusive parent but actually s/he is really insecurely attached and feeling hypervigilant and anxious.

OP, your son doesn't adore your H, he's afraid of him and - because he's a nice kid - he thinks that if he pleases him enough, your H won't be a shit to him.

This is a REALLY bad, destructive, soul-sapping message for a child to internalise.

You need to leave this man and be a strong and safe harbour for your kids, to compensate for their awful father. And both your kids need therapy to learn to deal with who their father is.

They're right, you're wrong and I can only guess at your reasons for encouraging women and kids to tiptoe around arsehole men while implying that they're somehow insane if they don't.

Life is too short to waste it with an unpleasant bully.

Having lived it, there are more than enough examples of unacceptable and damaging behaviour from the husband in the information given by OP to light enough red lights for a mile. So your views about 'in depth psychological assessment' can take a running jump as far as I'm concerned.

What a spiteful prick.

I'm confused, why are you and your children saying your husband is autistic? He isn't. He has not been tested for it because he refuses. You and your children are now using it as an excuse for his horrible behaviour. He does not act like that because he might be autistic, he acts like that because he is a mean spirited, angry, petty bully. Let me guess, you minimise yourself, and usually your reactions for him because you feel you have to. Your light is being diminished for a relationship with this pathetic sounding man. You cannot stay with him and be miserable because your son wants you to, your son is a child who obviously loves his dad, but he has no benchmark of what a normal, patient, loving dad would act like and this is all he know.

Experience of sanity and somebody who doesn’t believe anybody can make an indepth psychological assessment on one post on the internet.

“If this is typical of him and your DS adores him, it's more akin to the unhealthy attachment to an abuser than the trust and respect for a loving father. Both your DC sound like they live waiting for the next time the axe falls and your sons 'adoration' is likely relief and highly elevated happiness that dad is choosing not to be awful right now. He pays for that with anxiety about when dad will be angry again and what that will mean for you all.
You should leave him for all your sakes.”

Said poster has zero evidence bar a one sided post on the internet with examples that don’t really warrant the hysteria. She has never spoken to the other partner or more importantly the child.