AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

You have zero evidence for this as you have never met or spoken to the child.

What a horrible man, autism doesn’t excuse this behaviour.

I don't think you understand what a full scale psychological analysis is perhaps? Or how that differs from a knowledge of patterns of impact of behaviour on others?
Its not necessary to do the first to understand that if people are exposed to certain behaviours and treatments, there is often commonality in responses to that treatment. All that requires is the ability to read on the subject.
There is a pattern of behaviour whereby children exposed to the sort of parenting described by the OP develop an unhealthy attachment. I didn't invent this, it's well known and evidenced by research. You may be unaware of it, but your ignorance doesn't make my comment ludicrous.

OP, I would like to emphasise the necessity of your children getting therapy to learn to deal with their father. Unlike some on this thread, I have lived through a childhood with a father like your H. In retrospect, he was probably also autistic. But more than that, he was raised by patriarchy to think that what he wanted came above everyone and everything. He was amiable when everything went his way and devastatingly mean when it didn't. The embarrassing beating of a young boy at pool - that is exactly what my father would have done.

He did untold harm to everyone. Everyone: his wife, every single subsequent wife/gf, his parents, his friends (who he treated as resources, similar to everyone else). And especially my older sister, who he parentified to the point that he "confided" in her - starting as a young child - his disgruntlements, including about his wife/our mother.

As we grew up, my sister was insanely attached to him. She had eyes only for him, did everything with him. Later, as an adult, she spent endless time and energy running after him, worrying about him, buying him clothes, giving advice, trying to get him to see a doctor, even trying to find him suitable gfs. Then he'd get another gf, who would feel threatened by my sister's possessive devotion, and my father would be mean to my sister. My sister had very very poor mental health, horrible self esteem, and was herself a really difficult person to be around for me, because she saw me as a threat to our father's meagre approval.

He ruined my sister's life. She got therapy at various points but the damage was too deep. Sadly, she is now dead, and I mourn her miserable chaotic sad life.

OP, leave and get your kids therapy. Ignore the people who haven't lived with men like this, they know not of what they speak.

I haven't seen anyone respond who pretends to be a psychologist, armchair or otherwise, except you, telling us all off for making 'psychological assessments' which is your phrase, as continuously repeated.
Real life experience is real. One of the purposes of MN is for people to share theirs when someone posts a problem. Your comment here even ends with criticism of the OP, sarcastically framed, so why ARE you on this thread?

My DH can be a bit like this sometimes. I bet that he did see you leave the airport shop, and he let you look for him and walk to the gate, in order to manufacture an argument. I mean, why else would he position himself not outside the shop? My DH pulls shit like this. Thankfully very rarely, but it's still infuriating. I blame extreme work stress, and I'm praying it stops when he retires soon, because 95% of the time he is lovely.

As for the aggressive pool playing - I can imagine how that looked and I'd be fuming too - he's behaving like a toddler!

With the kids ages and your son's relationship with him being good, I would re evaluate when they are 18.

Well obviously not to you.

Sounds like you have had enough and that there is a long back story as to why. For that reason, yes leave. But each of the incidents you describe are not enough for someone who wasn't there to say are unacceptable.

The checkout - DS misbehaving. DH was a bit short with the checkout assistant. I imagine a lot of people have been there when juggling misbehaving kids. Did he shout? DD more likely crying because DS is acting up and causing tension.

The pool table. Maybe he felt the 8 year old needed a more competitive game. Maybe he wanted to give his DC the pleasure of seeing the other kid lose for once - you say he had beaten your two several times. DH then plays pool with aggressive potting. That's the way my DSs play usually. It's a bit of a man thing but also helps to split the balls and get the cue ball back in the right place. Then your DS interfered. Your DH is right, in a bar he could well have got a punch - that's factual and DS needs to be warned. Obviously I didn't hear the tone of voice which makes a difference.

The airport. He's looking after DS in a no-win situation. It's highly likely that if they're in the entrance to a shop, DS or even he, may see something inside to attract their attention. Next time don't leave them outside. That's boring. And wait at the point where you've agreed to meet. Message him if they're not there in 5 minutes, don't go wandering off to the gate.

The cat. Please don't feed "stray" cats unless you know 100% that they are not being looked after. Not always good for the cat and not fair on the owner as it encourages the cat to get food elsewhere rather than at home.

But as I said up top, if you've had enough, leave. And if the incidents you describe are actually worse than you have described them ie with shouting, calling you/DC/others names etc. then I will agree that he is a bully. But as written, while the incidents paint a picture of an unharmonious family, I don't think it's all on him.

You need to separate out what your DS thinks he wants and what he actually needs.
You need to be the parent here as it’s clear your DH is appalling. Picking on an 8 year old boy is vile and also dangerous - had that boy’s dad found out it could have ended far worse.
I know it’s hard to do the right thing but you’ve left before it’s time to do it for good.
And no more holidays with this bully he’s awful.

Well he has not got to 45 "just fine" has he? He has got to age 45 and he is making his DD cry and being very offensive to a shopkeeper (and perhaqps he doesn't even realise he was being offensive, how pathetic is that?); he was nasty to a child in the holiday resort; that he threatened his daughter; and that either he does not understand how much the things he says frighten and upset other people or he does not care. And he has nearly lost his wife and she doesn't even like him any more.

So what kind of "just fine" is that?

Your son needs to understand that people who have genuine disabilities may not always be able to "help it" but they can at least make an effort not to hurt, offend or harm other people, and they can try to make amends.

In terms of the "autism as an excuse" I think it's relevant that none of the examples you've given are of him behaving badly towards another adult who was in a position to respond in kind, particularly another man. Its all towards his family, small children, or a member of staff who was limited by their job role so couldn't tell him to fuck off.

Presumably he doesnt behave like that towards his own birth family, friends or colleagues.

Which suggests he absolutely can moderate his behaviour.

Also relevant that he hasnt looked back on any of it after the 'red mist' has faded and realised he was in the wrong and apologised, which again points away from "cant control his emotions" to "sees no issue with his behaviour."

Yeah of course it is🙄

Because some posters think they’re armchair psychologists.

Op needs to contact a real therapist who can listen to both sides oh and have a conversation with her actual husband instead of some randoms on the internet.

This reminds me of the time my dad came in after shouting and frothing for ages about how insane everyone was for not agreeing with and pandering to him, and then declared that he was the only one capable of being rational or balanced. The oasis of reason in a mad world.

There is obviously nothing one can do with people like this, but it's somewhat illuminating for people who haven't seen it before. And in a black and depressing way, kind of funny.

He’s awful, horrible to you, your children and a small boy!

I get your son adores him but will this holiday have changed his view?

If you hadn’t said the 8yo but I’d have said holidays are situations where everything is actually stressful as all year you’ve all been waiting for it and people feel the need for it to be perfect- your last experience probably happens to 5/10 people with everyone irritated and panicking but the 8yo- fecking hell that was insane. Does he think ye have a problem or does he think it’s all you and not him? Ye both do have a lot on your plate with all the diagnosis’s in the house but my god he sounds horrendous

Diagnosing? No, drawing on real experience. As I've said, it is only you who keeps talking about psychological assessments 🙄

I am really sorry, @HelpMEunderstand0 but he does sound awful. He's bullying his wife and children and has now moved onto shopkeepers and random children ... (he must have felt that his behaviour was fine or he might have had a moment or two to consider that a parent could turn up and find his behaviour towards their son less than ideal).

With regard to his possible autism: whilst he would have been autistic when you met him, men do seem to become more 'condensed' as they get older (i.e., if they are mean they get stingier, grumpy they become grumpier, etc.) so this version of him is probably what you've got, with it becoming a bit more so, for the rest of your married life. Bugger that for a game of soldiers ...

Personally I'd bite the bullet and go for it now and try to get it all as civilised as possible as your DS is about to hit his GCSEs or wait until he's done them and then go for it before your DD is having hers. What I wouldn't do is sit and watch him getting nastier and nastier to your DC.

You are quite literally the only one who keeps banging on about "full scale psychological analysis." Are you a psychotherapist? MH professional?

You have no idea what my real life experience is. There you go again diagnosing people you’ve never met on the internet.

Based on absolutely no real life experience of this kind of situation. Mm. Pragmatic 😅

Perhaps you could have regular conversations with your son about what is and isn't normal adult man behaviour. He may have seen boys in school doing things like this, but they should grow up and out of it. Does he have any positive male role models in his life?

How was your daughter when you'd split up - happier? Have a conversation with your son about women's and girls' (un)happiness with men's shit behaviour and why we shouldn't accept it.

It is ludicrous to do a full scale psychological analysis on a child you’ve never met based on a post on the internet.

Don’t be ridiculous, simply putting a balanced more pragmatic view.

You've listed all your "badges of honour"...your ABD...CEF....WOW... etc. In your family.
Stop hiding behind labels. We all struggle in this world but not all find excuses for others bad behaviour.
Your husband is a nasty piece of work. I don't care about the acronyms you want to attach to him.
You either stay for the kids or leave. But please stop labelling bad behaviour as if it's an excuse.