AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

All your posts have been giving huge leeway to the husband (he was stressed etc - what about other people's stress?) while demanding to know what OP was doing in all this and why she hadn't fixed it. Exactly the opposite of balanced! Your posts are the ridiculous ones.

Wow. He sounds a right twat. How embarrassing for you all

I don't know why you want to dismiss learning on this issue and the first hand accounts of people on the thread to defend the husband of a stranger on the Internet. Perhaps you have just dug a hole for yourself now and feel compelled to defend your silly comment.
Either way, it's not helpful to the OP so we'll leave it there. It's up to OP which comments resonate.

Yes. I lived it; and it escalated to worse. Hence divorce.

Prove positive that you have never lived with an emotionally abusive person. Aren't you lucky. Go and psychologically assess yourself.

This poster obviously can't identify abusive behaviour, and given their aggressive, minatory, dismissive approach on this thread, it wouldn't surprise me that they themselves are abusive in their own relationships. We here have the good fortune of being able to ignore this person, unlike the poor people who have to share physical space with them.

No it isn’t. He told his son repeatedly he couldn’t have sweets and snapped at a cashier when she interrupted during an escalation of child challenging behaviour. Not great but not abuse. He informed the same child he couldn’t snatch things out of people’s hands and could get beaten up if he did that in a pub which he could. After miscommunication re an exact meeting place and waiting in an airport he went to a gate saying the others would need to sort themselves out.

None of that is abuse.

This. If he won't seek help / a diagnosis/ counselling, then it is his fault that the relationship has broken down. You and you children gave him a second chance - and he has done nothing to help with that or try to make it work.

If people are walking on eggshells around you because they're afraid that if they challenge you, you will kick off and behave aggressively, then yes, you are an abuser.

Will you stop telling everyone they are 'ridiculous' And you have absolutely no right to state "it is in no way abusive behaviour." In "no way"?

i was brought up by a father like that, holidays were usually awful and i hated them. I have a vivid memory of him flinging us all out of the car and screaming at us and me and my sister runnning down the street in a strange town and sitting crying on a doorstep. Lots of other stuff went on that is too grim to mention and would hijack this thread went on, sufffice to say we grew up damaged. When I read things that the OP has mentioned i just think "get out now" it won't improve and the toll it takes especially on children can be incalcuable. When i was young women couldn't/didn't leave and although it isn't easy now it can be done. Wishing you and your daughters peace and better times

You say DS adores him but what a terrible role model his father is to him.
DH sounds rude, nasty and a bully.

It doesn’t matter that your kids adore him. They will still adore him when you guys separate. But you will be much happier, and he will stop scaring them.

Don’t be ridiculous. It is in no way abusive behaviour and you have no right telling posters who don’t agree with you to post elsewhere.

He’s a dick. How can you stand to be around him ?!

Poor you and your poor kids, he sounds horrible and pretty scary too. That incident with the 8 year old boy playing pool was horrible to read about, must have been truly awful to witness . i had a dad who was angry, unpredictable, and a load of other very bad stuff too but when I was a child it was almost unheard of to end a relationship so we had to stick it out. It affected us deeply. You say that you have parted from him for a short while but went back because your DD loves her dad so much which is understandable. However, things are not getting any better and given he appears unwilling to even acknowledge let alone address his behaviour maybe now is the time to start planning a life with just you and the children with the hope that co-parenting will work out. Thinking of you

The really hard part is when you have a child with a diagnosis and see similar behaviour in their parent, you can excuse a lot (out of love). But your husband is an adult you should be in partnership with, and is not your child. You don’t have to excuse him, or placate him anymore.

I hope you can escape x x

What OP is describing is abusive behaviour. OP left this man because of this behaviour, so it is not an isolated occurrence, it is a pattern of behaviour.

Insisting that we need to hear from the H and the child in question before we make up our minds is an appeal to neutrality that is inappropriate in situations of abuse: it can end up protecting the harmful person instead of being fair. It also dismisses the victim's account, further harming her.

Abuse is not just a disagreement between equal parties: it’s a power imbalance that causes harm to the ones in the less powerful position (in this case the children, and OP, to a lesser extent).

The amount of harm that men inflict on women in is enormous and devastating. The world is rigged to prioritise men's wants over the safety and needs of women and children.

When a woman comes here and tells us of abusive behaviour, we should not be taking the abuser's side our of spurious neutrality. If you feel inclined to do so, there are plenty of Reddit and other male-centred forums where your argumentation will find fruitful ground.

This is spot on. Our entire family is ND and none of us behave like your DH @HelpMEunderstand0 . In fact we all go out of our way to be kind to others because we know what its like to be on the receiving end of nastiness as a result of being misunderstood/ND.

Your DH sounds, to quote other PP’s here. Like a total c*nt. Sorry, but he is. And you absolutely do not have to stay with him because your DS15 could not cope.

I would end things asap, and simply get pastoral support for him in place at school and via the GP, and go to great lengths to explain that his dad and you no longer love each other, that dad’s behaviour on holiday indicates that dad is very unhappy and that separating as a couple does not mean dad doesn’t love him. You cannot live your life around one person’s needs.

DS is 15, he is old enough to understand that life is not always easy. If you don’t end it now, when will you? Not during his A Levels/BTEcs, not during DD’s GCSES? There will never be a perfect time, but the life you and they are living will not get better, and could be very detrimental to you all over time. You need to rip the plaster off now and start the process of moving on before the damage becomes irreparable.

He sounds genuinely awful @HelpMEunderstand0 thankfully so far your kids see this too and aren’t copying his model. Get yourselves out of it if you can.

Btw this suggestion above is sometimes the middle step before actual separation.

Since you are in this situation, could you have some separate holidays next year. And generally live more as coparents and flatmates, with you focusing on what is good for you and the kids.

I stayed with someone who behaved exactly like this. For far too long. (20+ years). Until my daughters were older teens.
strangely enough, holidays were particularly awful. His behaviour at airports was atrocious. He worked long hours and was away a lot when we were at home.
I have another thread on here because my now adult daughters are angry and badly affected by their father’s treatment of us all and especially angry at me for staying.
None of us have any idea of how a normal relationship should look and it’s tearing us apart. It’s going to take a long time and a lot of work to improve our relationships.
Just something to think about whilst your DC are younger, you could be happier and have calm and peace in your home every day.

Your children sound lovely. The three of you could have a lovely, peaceful life together, and then they could see their dad on their own terms (and learn that they don't have to put up with poor behaviour and can walk out if it gets too much for them).

Your relationship is over. It was over last year when you split up. You shouldn't have tried again. He is aggressive and doesn't care about you and you hold him (quite understandably, given his behaviour) in contempt. There is nothing really to work with here. I understand your DS being anxious and upset about change, but he doesn't get to dictate that you stay in a relationship which is completely dead, if not actually toxic, and live with a man who is harmful to your and your DC's emotional wellbeing. This is too much to ask of anyone.

Your DC are learning about relationships from the model they see in front of them. The abusive partner gets what they want, while everyone else walks on eggshells around them. This is not a lesson you want them to take into adult life.

Hes an abusive bully.
This is unconnected to whether or not he has autism.

You and your children deserve better.