AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

Being autistic doesn't mean not taking responsibly for your own actions though.

Its not carte blanche to behave like a cunt! He should still apologise and care that he's upset people he loves, even if he doesn't understand why you're upset.

You don't have to put up with being treated like shit if it turns out he's autistic. You still get to decide whether this is what you want for your life. Has he always been so awful? If not, what changed?

And seeing you accept being treated like shit is a terrible example to set your kids - staying together isn't necessarily helping them. What your son wants, you all to be happy together, might not be possible. Do you want your son to think he can also treat people badly because it's 'not his fault'?

Ok, that settles it then. You already know your marriage to this wankbadger is over, all that remains is to set the ball rolling on the divorce.

Your actual issue is your son. You need to convince him that it is possible to adore someone, and find their behaviour reprehensible, at the same time. Because it is.

"He excuses his dads shit behaviour because he loves him and doesn’t think DH can help it if he’s autistic"
Firstly, you don't know if he is autistic. That's your suspicions only, and it's prompted by your trying to find a reasons for his behaviour that isn't just 'because he's an abusive cunt'. It's hard to admit that the man you originally thought you'd want to spend your life with is an abusive cunt, but when he turns out to be an abusive cunt you just have to get on with it, admit it, move on.

And even if he was autistic - is there something about autism that inoculates you against being an abusive cunt? No, there isn't.

"We make a lot of allowances for DD because of her sensory needs etc I think DS now feels if his dad is autistic this could mean he’s blameless for everything"
I don't know how you're going to get this totally erroneous notion out of your son's head, but for his sake that's what you have to work on.

Let's look at it logically. If he'd behaved like this when you first met, he wouldn't have got past the first date - you'd have chucked him without a second thought. And if he is autistic now, he was autistic then. So logically it follows that his abusive behaviour cannot be due to autism, it is a choice he is making. Therefore even if his dad was autistic he if far from blameless.

Consequences. We teach them to our children when they are small. Your husband seems to have forgotten his lessons and thinks his abuse is consequence-free. It isn't. Divorce him, work on your son to help him to see reality.

My husband and children are on the spectrum. Now I know autism presents differently in many people. It is not though an excuse for rudeness of the sort that you are dealing with here. As it has been explained to me, people with autism sometimes do find it difficult to work out what other people are feeling or thinkg. Your husband sounds sufficiently high functioning that he can work out how that 8 year old felt if he bothered to turn his mind to it. He was being aggressive and I believe he intended to intimidate that boy. He knew he was rude to the shopkeeper.

I do not think austism is not the reason for the bad behaviour of your husband. Even your daughter who you say is ASD could understand that your husband had been unbelievably snarky and unpleasant to the shopkeeper. Your son too tried to intervene in that dreadful intimidation of an 8 year old by a 6 foot 4 45 year old well built man and was threatened in response.

The truth of the matter is that your husband is an unpleasant pig. Counselling with a partner who is this abusive would be a total waste of time. You need a lawyer not a therapist. I am not so sure that your son adores DH either - maybe desperately seeks his approval. But nevertheless even if DS is a miserable for a bit I can't think you can endure this or even contemplate having sex with yor husband ever again. Counselling for the children might well be a better alternative.

I, at least three of my kids and my sister are a mixture of AuDHD or ASD.....you know what none of us are? Cunts.

Being ND is not a free pass on being a cunt. And as he wont actually seek a dx, then I think you need to take his word for it that he is simply a cunt for no other reason than.....he is choosing to be a cunt.

Do with that information what you will. But for your son's sake dont let him think that his father's behaviour can be excused.

Wouldn't do it to a bigger man.
He picked a child.
Bullys your children too.
Nasty piece of work.
Screw the diagnosis.
I have several diagnosis in this house and there is none of that ugliness.
Hes a nasty prick who MAY have a diagnosis.
Stop wasting your life with him.
He doesn't deserve it.

He sounds like an angry deranged bully.
I honestly couldn't look at a man who would bully an 8 year old like that.
Pity the father wasn't around.
Your husband could do with a slapping, might calm him down.
I never advocate violence normally but that behaviour is both nasty and ugly.

Yanbu to feel done. He sounds very stressful to be around.

@HelpMEunderstand0 whether he has or hasn’t austism is irrelevant. You no longer like him. Which means you are no longer in-love with him. You may care for him as he’s your children’s father but that’s likely not going to be enough long term.

Wait to the stress of the holiday has passed. If you still don’t like him then separate. Explain to your children it’s final and that they still have two parents that love them - they’ll get used to it eventually.

This is spot on.

He’s not very nice. At all. Sadly though only you know whether you can put up with this. If you do separate it will be easier now the dc are older because the onus won’t be on you to force contact. I suspect Ds struggled because like most dc he won’t want the apple cart unsettled - a divorce is unsettling for dc and initially they will struggle but in time it’s fine. He would have come to terms with it given time, instead you’ve gone back which is like putting a plaster over it all again. No one sounds very happy.

Anger, argumentativeness and frustration are also emotions - how come his emotions are so important that they need to be accommodated and worked around but yours are unworthy of respect to the extent they can be used as a way to dismiss perfectly valid concerns about his behaviour?

Well, you can love him as your kid's parent and coparent well, then.

You know what to do. I assume you are trying to gather your mental and emotional strength for it.

This Internet stranger is telling you that to leave him would be the right thing to do - the right thing for your kids, and maybe even for your husband too.

Sending hugs to you, and lots of moral support xxx

He may or may not be autistic but he’s sounding like an arsehole here.

Your husband sounds like a mean, petty bully.

Even if he is autistic he can still be held accountable for his behaviour! If your DS was autistic, would you let him be rude and aggressive to shopkeepers, or small children? No, you wouldn't.

I don't see how you can possibly have a relationship with a man like this which isn't abusive. And how can you be intimate with a man who delights in beating small children at pool? My fanny would have locked up shop forever at that.

You can't stay in a relationship to keep your son happy. I suspect he would do better without his father around so much. I'd recommend therapy for you snd your kids as you navigate divorce.

Also - stop saying your judgement can't be trusted as you are too emotional. That sounds like your husband talking, to me. Emotions should inform judgement along with logic and experience.

Why do you think you are very emotional at the moment? Probably because you are feeling trapped married to a c*nt. Anxious about what he will do next. Anxious about what mess you will need to clear up next, with children upset and deliberately scared by their own dad. I'd be emotional too. I'd want to weep and weep.

I’m sorry what!!

you are self diagnosing your husband as autistic then you and DS are excusing his behaviour because he is autistic.

No! Being Autistic/ADHD does not give you carte blanche to just do as you please. Yes allowances should be made where they are needed but just no letting that kind of behaviour happen and then teaching your kids its Ok to behave that way cause he is autistic is so wrong. Sorry, it’s just all wrong.

You only mention your husbands behaviour on holiday? Is he like that at home too? Or is he possibly more stressed on holiday & having the children around because day to day he is at work/barely sees them.

You need to still teach your children how to behave. Eg the maltesers thing should not have happened or should have been stopped. They also deserve to know what healthy relationships look like.

Autistic or not your husband did not behave well at all

ASD doesn’t give anyone carte blanch to be a cunt

He sounds really mean and aggressive to me too. If he doesn't want to seek counselling or diagnosis (maybe doesn't even see a problem?) then I don't see where else you can go than permanent separation. I think you have to be decisive this time for your son's sake.

I do understand that his exam year will be holding you back but is it going to be unpleasant at home or can you all mostly avoid your husband for a year? If it's going to be unpleasant then I think having the push you need to leave now is a good thing.

Best of luck. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Hard to say. With a little less emphasis all of those incidents could be perceived very differently. The neurodiversities you mention for you and DCs and the fact DH does not want to be similarly labelled seems to be an important undercurrent and irritation. You are definitely annoyed by him. Only you know if it is justified.

He sound absolutely vile, and cruel. I could not live like that, or put my Children through it either.

He sounds absolutely vile..maybe your DS sees himself in his Dad and that’s why he took the break up badly, fears it’s a rejection of him too....now is the time OP before exams if this is an issue…begin to keep a diary of how DH is

It sounds torture to live with

This doesn’t sound good. Often people with no empathy make you feel like you have “too many feelings.”

Yuck. No, I don’t think I would like him either.