AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

I’ve worked as a couples therapist. Do not stay together for the kids. It’s actually more damaging for them to live with both parents in a toxic household where you are unhappy. They will cope with divorce better long term even if it doesn’t seem that way

Even if your husband is autistic that doesn’t mean he gets to behave how he likes… you wouldn’t allow your children to behave like it by the sounds of it.
You tried again for the sake of your child, but I would think of the harm that is being done by having to witness your Dad behave in the way that your husband does. He sounds really unpleasant

I don’t know what makes you think DH is autistic but he’s certainly abusive.

You really do need to separate. 💐

In the minority here but I don't think I'd be ending my marriage over those things.

We all have a bad day, can be crap under pressure, you weren't there at the shop, etc.

It does seem like a bit of an over reaction.

But if you don't like him anymore, you don't have to stay married.

Maybe he's unhappy too.

He doesn’t sound autistic and it’s up to him as regards testing. You sound as if you’re catastrophising somewhat. You say your emotions are high.

Re the maltesers- why didn’t you speak to your son? He’d been told several times no and no kid needs a whole box to himself. Yes dh shouldn’t have been snippy to the shop assistant but ND kids are stressful.

Re the cue your son shouldn’t have tried to grab it and does need to learn that.

Finally make better arrangements and don’t take so long in shops before flights. I’d have gone to the gate if you’d been some time and there was no sign of you. Why didn’t you ring outside the shop?

I wouldn’t make decisions on the basis of these incidents but look into marriage therapy if you’re committed to saving the marriage.

How was it for you when you were apart for those six months?

What have I just read? 😮

Your h is a bully and a horrible man. A real shame that the 8 year old’s dad wasn’t around.

You described your son as kind like you but by staying with his dad so long, you’ve create a potential future doormat who will accept this kind of behaviour from friends and future partners. It’s very sad that he thinks that being autistic is a get out of jail free card for his dad who is a vile man who is a terrible role model for his kids. I bet your h isn’t this rude at work or has the sort of work where he doesn’t have to talk to others because someone this mean couldn’t be part of a team. If he has a manager then I bet he can control his words.

A diagnosis won’t change much. Even if he accepts it (unlikely), there’s no practical help for adults.

Does he behave like this at work with his colleagues and clients? Or does he just save it up for his family?

He sounds very mean, angry, and unhappy. Do you know why he is like this? Is he worried about things? Very stressed at work? Generally disappointed in life? It's interesting he resists getting checked for AuDHD - does he fear being "blamed" for whatever difficulties your children experience?

None of these things are justifications for the mean and cruel ways he treats other people. But understanding why people what they do can help us make decisions.

He sounds like a horrible rude bully, you and your kids would be better off without him.

He sounds nasty. Aggressive towards small children. Rude to shop keepers. Upsets you and your daughter.

Doesn't matter why he's like this, what matters is the impact on you all
Break up with him properly this time

It doesn't matter if your son is too terrified of his dad to stand up to him, or wants to make his dad love him.

You're his mother and it is your job to protect your children. In this case, his father is the danger.

Get them away from this abusive prick.

Don't confuse love and kindness with wanting to keep the peace for safety.

Not saying your ds doesn't love your DH but wanting to keep the peace at all costs is usually a sign of someone who's adapted for their own safety and nervous system. It's called the fawn response.

Children learn they need to appease the aggressive or abusive parent for their sense of safety and for the sake of harmony in the house.

Teach your children that their feelings matter and they are worth standing up to your DH for.

sounds like a dick. What’s he angry about? Has he always been so angry. I don’t understand the abbreviations about DS or DD sorry. Is he your husband and dad of your kids? Either way, what the he’ll is bothering him. He sounds like my partner who smokes weed everydya and goes through withdrawals on holiday. Maybe he didn’t want to be on holiday , what a misery. You deserve someone to enjoy life with you. I know it’s hard. I’m struggling to take my own advice too. Pm me if you want. But yes , they suck the fun out of everything. We only get one life. Remember that.

Thought exactly the same as this. He sounds pathetic.

I guess it's easier to stay with some if you think they have some type of disorder.

What would it mean to you to have to admit that he is most likely a bog average bully and abuser?

This sounds like a terrible holiday. Really awful. Think about what a nice relaxing time you could have had without him there.

You can't stay in a relationship because your DS doesn't like change, or is fearful of what divorce might look like. There are so many good co-parenting arrangements that would work for you. Staying in a relationship with someone that you don't like is a terrible idea and won't benefit the DC at all.

Your D’H’ sounds like a bellend - please tell him to fuck off. I’m sure that and your kids will be so much happy

The kids sound a bit annoying, especially DS, but no excuse for DH's behaviour which sounds miserable to be around, and pretty nasty.

Bit worrying that your DC seem to have got the message that Autism etc. excuse poor behaviour rather than meaning that different tools etc. are needed to behave appropriately. I think letting DS believe that would be really detrimental for him. At 15 he surely knows that he can't get away with treating people badly because of his condition? He should be learning that its even less of an excuse for a 45 year old man.

I think leaving and impressing on DS that DH doesn't have to act the way he is, and that no one should put up with behaviour like that from their spouse, would be good for him, even if it distressed him.

Taking an 8 year old down a peg or two is just so grotesque - especially as your children were happy for the boy to beat them and shows they are clearly far more emotionally intelligent than he is. The fact your son intervened to try to even the score or embarrass your husband for behaving like such a prick is admirable and he sounds like a lovely boy. Your husband seems threatened by anything that encroaches on his ego or by proxy anyone or thing (pet) he has ownership of as they are extensions of him. The autism may explain a certain lack of empathy - though many autistic ppl have hyper-empathy, and from the way you describe I’d say it’s more of a major character flaw than a neurodivergence. He’s just an unpleasant piece of shit.

He sounds unbearable. I would move on. Get therapy for DS and your self

Theres a stray cat we have had visiting for months - put up all the leaflets, checked with vets etc and appears to be happy but stray and he won’t give it any treats because they belong to our own cat

This confirms what I thought about the pool match - it boils down to ownership and perceived disentitlement.

The cat is not allowed treats belonging to HIS cat bc that’s getting one up on HIS property.

The little boy wasn’t allowed to feel good at winning pool bc he was beating HIS children and getting one up on him through them.

If somebody or something happened which affected you, say for example - a man knocked into you at a crowded bar and spilt your drink, but apologised - your husband would probably be seething - not bc YOU were embarrassed and had your drink spilt, but bc he would perceive it as disrespect to him bc you are his.

He sounds absolutely foul.

Has he done other things over time that are abusive to you and the kids and what are those things. On the face of just those incidents I wouldn't end a marriage although it paints quite a picture of an angry man, but I would put money on him having been like this to you or the kids as well? I think you need to look at the overall pattern of behaviour over time. You could try quiet quitting the marriage for a bit while you do some counselling (just for you to begin with)?

Agree with some others;what really shouts out to me from your posts OP,is not so much that your son adores him (I’m sure he loves his dad,of course) but that your son seems desperate for his dad’s approval and is struggling hugely with the dichotomy of wanting to look up to his dad and get on with him but objectively seeing and knowing his dad is,in reality,a bullying arse who is not a nice person and is very difficult to get on with.

Staying with your DH is massively damaging your children’s view of what a man/husband/father should be and their own self-worth and lots inbetween…
I’d make plans to permanently split - doesn’t sound like anyone is happy and definitely doesn’t sound like anything is going to change for the better. Do it for the good of all of you because it will be.

And DS shouldn’t fear because he won’t lose him - dad can still have all the quality relationship with him (and DD) that dad makes effort for.. (when dad gets over himself...)

This is not the first time he's been abusive to your children. Protect them and get them away from that prick.

Oh and stop making excuses for his abuse. His abuse has NOTHING to do with autism and is deeply insulting and bigoted towards autistic people.