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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to support Mum over my brother in property dispute?

60 replies

BePeachBiscuit · 31/08/2026 23:01

I would love your views but this is a long one so please bear with me.

The context is that me (41), my brother (39) and my sister (37) grew up in a small holding, a small ex-farm with about 6 acres. My sister and I left home at around 20 but my brother never really did. He runs a landscaping business so storing his vehicles and tools there was always important. He lived in my mums house until he was about 35 (minus about 4-5 years here and there) when he converted one of the barns on her property into a house. Whilst he lived with my mum he never paid for rent, bills or food but he would do general building jobs and landscaping work. My mum would pay for some of these jobs but not all given that he wasn’t paying towards bills. Both parties thought they were getting a bad deal.

When my brother decided to convert the barn, my mum got the property valued and the barn and yard were worth a third of the total so she signed that over to my brother and has left the rest to me and my sister in her will (obviously depending on what happens before then - she is super healthy and will hopefully live for many more years and may decide to sell etc). She told us all about this plan at the time but my brother insists he didn’t hear it.

A huge problem has arisen now because after moving into the barn he is pressuring my mum to put the whole property into trust or let him buy her house now so he owns the whole thing. My mum doesn’t want to do this because she wants to keep control of her own house, especially because my brother can be quite dominating and forceful. My brother feels the current arrangement is very unfair because he has put so much work into the whole property, he couldn’t live with neighbours if my mum or us wanted / needed to sell it, and in however many years time he won’t have the money to buy us out. He also thinks the valuation was unfair. He is desperate to find a way to keep the property whole and ideally under his ownership. We have suggested he buy an investment property instead but he doesn’t want to do this.

My sister and I don’t even want to discuss this given that my mum is alive and well. But my stepdad died without a will and it was awful, which is why my mum wants it all agreed. And its stressing my brother so much that it is now causing a huge family rift. We’ve tried counselling but didn’t get anywhere.

So I’d love your advice.

AINBU by siding with my mum and telling my brother that this arrangement is fair, my mum won’t sign over the whole house and his best bet is long term planning to buy us out eventually (assuming my mum doesn’t want / need to sell in the meantime). Or AIBU and I should think about my brother’s side more and how to talk to my mum about transitioning the house to him? Thank you in advance for your help, any thoughts gratefully received.

OP posts:
Boolabus · 02/09/2026 09:01

I think your brothers intentions are ok he does not want to see the site broken up into different plots, it is not about the money or the house really it is about keeping it all together. You admit yourself that it would be very awkward to divide. I think the mistake made was back when barn was converted without planning permission it can't be valued until that is granted, if not granted and it has to cease being a property where does your brother live? That to me is the main priority get that sorted planning granted and barn properly valued. Then all work together on how the plot can be maintained as one. The only option I see is either your brother buys you and your sister out when the time comes or pays rent to you both on the house.

Him not paying rent for 15 years is irrelevant imo that has nothing to do with inheritance and was a decision your mum made so is between them, nothing to do with you or your sister.

Holidaysearchfilter · 02/09/2026 08:57

Suggest

Your DM should get a proper will written & a copy kept with an officiial company

DM can get power of attorney set up ready to use incase she has health issues
One for health
One for wealth

DM can get 3 free valuations of the property now

CruelsummerTS · 02/09/2026 08:57

He sees it as unfair because he thinks he has created and maintained so much of it and will only inherit 1/3..

He did that voluntarily though? Was there ever an agreement that if he did the work he’d get something back?

Original poster
BePeachBiscuit · 02/09/2026 08:48

Wow, I am so grateful for every one of your responses, thank you so much. I’m going to take more time to digest them fully but some additional detail in the meantime as requested.

  • The valuation occurred before my brother converted the barn and without planning permission. At the time the whole property was worth 450 and his barn / yard was valued at 150. He converted the barn without planning permission and is now seeking retrospective planning which has caused another huge stress on my mum. He believes the valuation was inaccurate because barns without planning permission ‘are worthless’. But I’ve looked and can’t find anything comparable for even close to that value. It’s a beautiful barn with incredible views.
  • The barn is located right the middle of my mums property, just across a driveway and sandwiched between her house and/ garden and her 2 large fields. So it would be awkward to separate the 2 properties and live as 2 neighbours who were not family. There are no other neighbours at all, it’s pretty remote.
  • My mum already signed the property over to him and it’s registered with land registry. She has a will leaving the remaining property to me and my sister. We are completely cognisant that she may need to sell for care costs etc in the meantime
  • My brother has a gf and 2 children who live there too. They are wonderful and my mum really loves having them there.
  • My brother truly loves the place. He really does put a huge amount of physical and emotional work into maintaining and improving it and my mum has historically relied on him although since this all kicked off about 5 years ago that has mostly stopped and now he works on his own part of the property. My mum has compromised hugely with ongoing building and vehicle / yard storage all over the place but he doesn’t really recognise that compromise.
  • He is mostly motivated by keeping it as a single property for him and his family rather than the financial gain. I think he’d be happy if my sister and I would live there but we can’t guarantee that.
  • He sees it as unfair because he thinks he has created and maintained so much of it and will only inherit 1/3.
  • He says he would be willing to get a mortgage to buy my mums house now but he doesn’t want to buy a separate house for the sake of building equity. He hates admin.
I’d love any further thoughts, especially how we keep the peace so my mum and brother can both be happy living there together
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2026 20:02

He sounds absolutely horrible. Why should he have the whole thing?! He knows your mum would never have agreed to that. Support your mum, help her stand up to your greedy brother.

thetinsoldier · 01/09/2026 19:43

I feel really sorry for your mum. He has always lived with her. How does she feel about living next door to her bullying son, especially as she gets older?

thetinsoldier · 01/09/2026 19:41

Sounds like he’s saved thousands over the years by never paying rent, bills or for food, and he’s saved on storage for his vehicles. Presumably he’s also saved on chores eg cooking, coursework - unless he started them with your mum?

saying he ‘didn’t hear’ your mum telling him about how she planned to divvy up her property sounds like a lie. That must have been multiple conversations, surely?

Why the he’ll does he think she should transfer the whole property to him? Do you treat him to do the right thing when your mum dies?

I’m sorry but he sounds like a manipulative bully who feels sorry for himself.

Winederlust · 01/09/2026 19:29

MiceSpiders · 31/08/2026 23:18

Did he pay to convert the barn? If so it's only worth what it is because of his investment, so to say all he gets is essentially his own money back feels a bit off. I think look at the whole estate before he did the conversion, the value then and divide by 3, take into account the value of the pre reno barn and the land it sits on, not its current state

Edited

But he's lived rent free for many years prior to the conversion which would probably offset at least part, if not all, of that.

MrsPerfect12 · 01/09/2026 19:26

Someone should gain financial power of attorney now before there is a sudden health decline and he underhanded forces it - it shouldn’t be your brother.

Value splits 3 ways. He’s had his share. If he can’t buy you out that’s his tough. Don’t give in or give a cheap deal.

Hildegard25 · 01/09/2026 19:20

It's your Mother's property to do as she wants.

You, your sister, and your brother have no say whatsoever.
I get that your Mother wants some backup from her family so give her carte blanche to do what she thinks is best for her.

On a personal note, your brother sounds a bit of a bully entitled, and should be told that he should back off.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but he seems to have done rather well out of your Mother so far.

ToddlerTime45532 · 01/09/2026 19:19

The way I see it, he is ruining the family. There is no way to reason with him and he will make your mum's life hell.

Your mum should considering selling and moving away. If he wants to buy it at market price, so be it.

The fact he lives next door means he will be able to bully your mum onto her deathbed.

Laurmolonlabe · 01/09/2026 19:10

It's you mother's property , get her to make a will otherwise you will be strongarmed out of any inheritence.
Get the lawyer to point out to your brother he got his inheritence early, and is therefore very fortunate and has no say over the disposal of the rest of the property- what if your mother gets ill? The remaining property will be sold to pay for her care- your brother will have his inheritance free and clear and you and your sister will get nothing, or next to nothing.
As to diagreeing with the valuation the time to dispute that is long past- he accepted his inheritance he can't renegotiate it now- he has one hell of a nerve.

Elsvieta · 01/09/2026 15:10

What is your brother "stressed" by, exactly? The prospect of maybe not getting his own way? The idea that mere females might not roll over when the big I Am snaps his fingers? He's not stressed, he's bullying you.

Of course you don't give up your inheritance. Maybe talk to mum about giving you and your sister POA? Brother doesn't have to know. Appointments with a lawyer and a financial advisor might be worth the money too. Just mum and your sister and you - again, he doesn't have to know.

RockinCara · 01/09/2026 10:12

I’m not saying he’s right, but I can understand why he’s upset. I live on a smallholding that was my dad’s and bought a small property on it that was my dad’s. I also used the land and spent a lot of money building stables and fencing the land. My husband and I lived here for 18 years before my dad died and got on very well with him, did a lot of care. There are no other neighbours close by, so we’re really not used to other people being close to our home space. It sounds similar for the brother in this thread. When my dad died we were left his house and land. My brother was left my mother’s house entirely. Mum’s house was worth a bit less, but my (parents (who were divorced but friends) said they had given my brother a lot of help over the years paying off debts for him. We are struggling a bit financially to try to keep the other house (dad’s). We have no money but want to make it a holiday let rather than sell it and have neighbours. I think if you’ve grown up somewhere with neighbours you won’t understand how weird it is to have neighbours when you’ve been used to just a family area.
But this is the way it is for your brother (and us!). If he can’t affect to pay his sisters out of the house he will just have to accept that things are going to change and he’ll either have to get used to it, find a way to afford to prevent it being sold, or find another property. That’s life.

Greenscreennightmare · 01/09/2026 09:47

Smokeywater · 31/08/2026 23:17

He hasn’t paid rent and didn’t buy the barn off her - as far as I can see he deserves nothing but if your DM becomes ill or frail he may pressurise her to give the rest of it to him. I would speak to a solicitor and possibly get power of attorney for DM set up in you and sisters names so you have some control if eg she suffers dementia or goes into a care home in the future.

Edited

Absolutely this. Your brother is being greedy, protect your mum. Financial abuse of the elderly by family does happen.

Schoolchoicesucks · 01/09/2026 09:37

Why would he have the money to buy the property now (off your mum) but not in 5/10/however many years time off you and your sister?

I can see his perspective that if his home doesn't function as an independent home once someone else lives on the rest of the smallholding, that would be a massive upheaval for him and would he even be able to sell the barn for anything like it's value (either as 1/3 of the estate or enough for him to buy somewhere else to live)?

But if your mum doesn't trust him enough to have him own her home while she still lives there then not sure what the best thing to do now is. With hindsight, him converting the barn and investing his time and money into it probably wasn't the best solution to a property that would have to be split 3 ways.

Bikergran · 01/09/2026 09:13

Smokeywater · 31/08/2026 23:17

He hasn’t paid rent and didn’t buy the barn off her - as far as I can see he deserves nothing but if your DM becomes ill or frail he may pressurise her to give the rest of it to him. I would speak to a solicitor and possibly get power of attorney for DM set up in you and sisters names so you have some control if eg she suffers dementia or goes into a care home in the future.

Edited

This. I personally know of two instances where a will was totally changed to be wholly in favour of the dying person's closest carer, despite the dying person being unable to form a coherent sentence or even being conscious most of the time. In one case £100,000 was withdrawn from their bank accounts while they were unconscious in ICU. The wills were contested, but both were proved. Go to a solicitor with your mum and put massive safeguards in place.

pollyglot · 01/09/2026 07:38

What happens if he becomes a bankrupt and presuming he has his 1/3 signed over, his property is sold, willy-nilly. You would be left in a pretty invidious situation. Is he likely to marry? The need for a watertight will is absolutely paramount.

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2026 07:24

Why does your brother think he should get the whole property having lived as a cocklodger for years? Crazy. Follow @Kirschcherries brilliant advice, start with ensuring your mum has a rock solid will which she has decided upon without pressure from anyone.

Aabbcc1235 · 01/09/2026 07:04

I think that your brother is being very unfair, so much so that I’m wondering whether he has some additional needs, and can only see this from a “I won’t be able to cope with that” point of view? And not from a “estate split in three” point of view?

If you suspect that might be the case, I’d respond to every conversation about the Will with “It’s mums home. In the same way that I can’t tell you what to do with your home, you can’t tell mum what to do with hers”.

Then support her to ensure that the Will has been done by a solicitor and has a solicitor listed as a potential executor. And make sure that you and your sister are POA for her - if your brother can’t understand this he won’t be able to understand POA properly.

And support him to ensure that his property is sufficiently independent that if your mum does pass away that he can cope. Seperate all utilities, talk to your mum about selling him some land round his house if he doesn’t already own that, plant trees and build a fence between the properties etc.

Kirschcherries · 01/09/2026 01:21

@BePeachBiscuit I really feel for you as this is a difficult situation to resolve.

Forgive me if I missed it but I don’t think you said how old your Mum. Based on you and your siblings ages I would assume mid 60s +.

YANBU but unless you get this all sorted as your Mum ages she will become more vulnerable to your brother’s arguments. Ideally your Mum lives a long life and dies in her own bed. In that scenario you and your sister each inherit your 1/3rd. However, if your Mum needs care, or sadly needs to go in a care home, her property may need to be sold to fund care. Any solution now needs to take this into account.

As counselling has failed and your brother is digging in, my advice, assuming you are in England or Wales, is:

  • Take your Mum to see a STEP solicitor who can set out the options taking into account deprivation of assets and inheritance tax. This should lead to her updating her will https://www.step.org/directory/members/search
  • Make sure you all understand the legal agreements currently in place e.g. has the property been split and registered with Land Registry?
  • For the portion of the property owned by your Mum, make sure she has an email address as one of the 3 permitted addresses (it’s free) https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/updating-registered-owners-contact-address
  • For both plots of land register for property alerts (free) https://www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert
  • These two mean your Mum should be notified if your brother tries to change the ownership of your Mum’s property.
  • Your Mum needs to have LPAs in place for Health & Welfare but also Property & Finance. She needs to decide if it is sensible to have your brother or just you or you and your sister and whether it’s joint only or joint and several.

I am going to be straight with you, your brother is in a strong position to wear your Mum down as she ages. He sees her daily and can drip drip how unfair it is. It is highly likely your Mum will eventually need help e.g. shopping, managing finances etc. and being on site means your brother is in the ideal position to take advantage. He may be able to intercept post or get her to sign documents etc. This may not be now but in 10 or 20 years time.

Unfortunately financial abuse of the elderly by family members is far more common than people realise and because it’s “family” it can be hard to get a parent to take action. Legal action is ruinously expensive so reaching an agreement now is in everyone’s best interests. YANBU to support your Mum but your brother does have some valid arguments about his hard work and money adding to an asset you and your sister will potentially inherit.

I would be asking the STEP solicitor if there is a way to draw up a legal agreement (not a trust) where your Mum remains the owner of the 2/3rds until she either dies or goes into a care home. At that point your brother is given first refusal to buy the property based on the market value at that time. I think it maybe known as a RICS Red Book valuation used for probate.

I would then be generous and in the agreement state he pays market value less 10% (negotiate on this I would say 25% would be my red line). Yes, you and your sister get less but your brother will potentially have spent a lot of time, energy and money maintaining your Mum’s property. The other option is your Mum on an ongoing basis pays your brother the going rate for maintenance.

Your brother doesn’t have a mortgage and so he can save every month knowing he will buy the property in the future.

When your Mum dies, if he can’t afford to buy you and your sister’s share outright it should also be possible in the agreement, or your Mum’s will, that your brother gets a lifetime interest in the element of her 2/3rds of the property he can’t buy subject to paying you and your sister rent/monthly repayment.

Example
Property = £300k.
Brother given 1/3rd = £100k Mum 2/3rds = £200 k
Mum dies 2050 her 2/3ds = £400k

  • less 15% £60k = £340k
  • Brother pays £200k to sisters =£140k owing to sisters
  • Brother pays £1k a month to sisters reducing outstanding balance.
  • Brother dies with £100k remaining, sisters inherit £100k when the property is sold.
Note: I know the sisters could die first so their heirs would inherit.

This is just one example, a STEP solicitor could give others.

Update registered owners' contact address (COG1)

Keep your contact details with HM Land Registry up to date.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/updating-registered-owners-contact-address

DierdreDaphne · 31/08/2026 23:42

It wasn't clear if the barn was woth 1/3 converted, as was with planning, or simply as an agricultural building. However if the barn is now a separate dwelling then your mum could have decided to apply for planning permission and sell the plot an unconverted barn to a third party if she had wanted to, so your brother benefited there from the value uplift that your Mum gifted to him, rather than charging him for. This is on top of the rent and keep (including rent for the space to store his equipment) she didn't charge him for.

He now has a whole house , you and your dsis have half a house each one day in the future if it hasn't had to be sold to pay care fees, inheritance tax etc.

fashionqueen0123 · 31/08/2026 23:37

I wouldn’t bank on him being able to buy you out. Maybe she should sell now.

nomas · 31/08/2026 23:31

Please support your mum. Your brother is an absolute knob.