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Original poster

AIBU to support Mum over my brother in property dispute?

60 replies

BePeachBiscuit · 31/08/2026 23:01

I would love your views but this is a long one so please bear with me.

The context is that me (41), my brother (39) and my sister (37) grew up in a small holding, a small ex-farm with about 6 acres. My sister and I left home at around 20 but my brother never really did. He runs a landscaping business so storing his vehicles and tools there was always important. He lived in my mums house until he was about 35 (minus about 4-5 years here and there) when he converted one of the barns on her property into a house. Whilst he lived with my mum he never paid for rent, bills or food but he would do general building jobs and landscaping work. My mum would pay for some of these jobs but not all given that he wasn’t paying towards bills. Both parties thought they were getting a bad deal.

When my brother decided to convert the barn, my mum got the property valued and the barn and yard were worth a third of the total so she signed that over to my brother and has left the rest to me and my sister in her will (obviously depending on what happens before then - she is super healthy and will hopefully live for many more years and may decide to sell etc). She told us all about this plan at the time but my brother insists he didn’t hear it.

A huge problem has arisen now because after moving into the barn he is pressuring my mum to put the whole property into trust or let him buy her house now so he owns the whole thing. My mum doesn’t want to do this because she wants to keep control of her own house, especially because my brother can be quite dominating and forceful. My brother feels the current arrangement is very unfair because he has put so much work into the whole property, he couldn’t live with neighbours if my mum or us wanted / needed to sell it, and in however many years time he won’t have the money to buy us out. He also thinks the valuation was unfair. He is desperate to find a way to keep the property whole and ideally under his ownership. We have suggested he buy an investment property instead but he doesn’t want to do this.

My sister and I don’t even want to discuss this given that my mum is alive and well. But my stepdad died without a will and it was awful, which is why my mum wants it all agreed. And its stressing my brother so much that it is now causing a huge family rift. We’ve tried counselling but didn’t get anywhere.

So I’d love your advice.

AINBU by siding with my mum and telling my brother that this arrangement is fair, my mum won’t sign over the whole house and his best bet is long term planning to buy us out eventually (assuming my mum doesn’t want / need to sell in the meantime). Or AIBU and I should think about my brother’s side more and how to talk to my mum about transitioning the house to him? Thank you in advance for your help, any thoughts gratefully received.

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Manyanamanyana · 03/09/2026 00:10

Kirschcherries · 01/09/2026 01:21

@BePeachBiscuit I really feel for you as this is a difficult situation to resolve.

Forgive me if I missed it but I don’t think you said how old your Mum. Based on you and your siblings ages I would assume mid 60s +.

YANBU but unless you get this all sorted as your Mum ages she will become more vulnerable to your brother’s arguments. Ideally your Mum lives a long life and dies in her own bed. In that scenario you and your sister each inherit your 1/3rd. However, if your Mum needs care, or sadly needs to go in a care home, her property may need to be sold to fund care. Any solution now needs to take this into account.

As counselling has failed and your brother is digging in, my advice, assuming you are in England or Wales, is:

  • Take your Mum to see a STEP solicitor who can set out the options taking into account deprivation of assets and inheritance tax. This should lead to her updating her will https://www.step.org/directory/members/search
  • Make sure you all understand the legal agreements currently in place e.g. has the property been split and registered with Land Registry?
  • For the portion of the property owned by your Mum, make sure she has an email address as one of the 3 permitted addresses (it’s free) https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/updating-registered-owners-contact-address
  • For both plots of land register for property alerts (free) https://www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert
  • These two mean your Mum should be notified if your brother tries to change the ownership of your Mum’s property.
  • Your Mum needs to have LPAs in place for Health & Welfare but also Property & Finance. She needs to decide if it is sensible to have your brother or just you or you and your sister and whether it’s joint only or joint and several.

I am going to be straight with you, your brother is in a strong position to wear your Mum down as she ages. He sees her daily and can drip drip how unfair it is. It is highly likely your Mum will eventually need help e.g. shopping, managing finances etc. and being on site means your brother is in the ideal position to take advantage. He may be able to intercept post or get her to sign documents etc. This may not be now but in 10 or 20 years time.

Unfortunately financial abuse of the elderly by family members is far more common than people realise and because it’s “family” it can be hard to get a parent to take action. Legal action is ruinously expensive so reaching an agreement now is in everyone’s best interests. YANBU to support your Mum but your brother does have some valid arguments about his hard work and money adding to an asset you and your sister will potentially inherit.

I would be asking the STEP solicitor if there is a way to draw up a legal agreement (not a trust) where your Mum remains the owner of the 2/3rds until she either dies or goes into a care home. At that point your brother is given first refusal to buy the property based on the market value at that time. I think it maybe known as a RICS Red Book valuation used for probate.

I would then be generous and in the agreement state he pays market value less 10% (negotiate on this I would say 25% would be my red line). Yes, you and your sister get less but your brother will potentially have spent a lot of time, energy and money maintaining your Mum’s property. The other option is your Mum on an ongoing basis pays your brother the going rate for maintenance.

Your brother doesn’t have a mortgage and so he can save every month knowing he will buy the property in the future.

When your Mum dies, if he can’t afford to buy you and your sister’s share outright it should also be possible in the agreement, or your Mum’s will, that your brother gets a lifetime interest in the element of her 2/3rds of the property he can’t buy subject to paying you and your sister rent/monthly repayment.

Example
Property = £300k.
Brother given 1/3rd = £100k Mum 2/3rds = £200 k
Mum dies 2050 her 2/3ds = £400k

  • less 15% £60k = £340k
  • Brother pays £200k to sisters =£140k owing to sisters
  • Brother pays £1k a month to sisters reducing outstanding balance.
  • Brother dies with £100k remaining, sisters inherit £100k when the property is sold.
Note: I know the sisters could die first so their heirs would inherit.

This is just one example, a STEP solicitor could give others.

Excellent advice. Please get all your legal ducks in a row. My step-sister quietly re-arranged my Father's assets (he trusted her and she spent lots of time with them), assumed PoA over her Mother when the signs of dementia were so small only she knew about it, and has walked away with her Mother now that she is too unwell to know what is going on - (she forced a separation basically) and half of Dads assets, which were, in our understanding, quite seperate. We fought in court which was exhausting and expensive, but she was very clever about it and we were not successful. It is shocking how people will behave with other people's assets, and you must protect your Mum and her ability to fund herself should she need care etc.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 02/09/2026 21:50

She must stick to what SHE wants and yoyr brother needs to stop bullying her.

canklesmctacotits · 02/09/2026 17:32

It’s an unrealistic expectation that YOU can do anything to create peace between two other warring parties. Don’t get caught in the middle: you will only ever be blamed for it. You know it.

I can see that your brother may have an attachment to the property, and I can see the value in keeping it whole. I don’t see any suggestion from your brother as to how he can make this happen, if he wants the whole thing, without doing you and your sister out of your inheritances. What does he say when you ask him this?

crazymommaclub · 02/09/2026 17:15

Perhaps he should sign it all back across to your mum, or put it into trust, then when the time comes it can be sold as a whole to someone knew and the money divided, or else your brother can choose to buy the others out. If it’s put into trust they need to include that she has a life interest in the property. Rather than counselling, I would book an appointment with a solicitor to understand all potential solutions then your mum can decide.

unsync · 02/09/2026 17:05

So he's refusing to help your mother at all and hasn't for the past five years because he thinks there'll be no benefit to him? Even though she's gifted him a third of her assets? Nice.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/09/2026 16:57

Surely if your DM had to sell to cover care home fees, she would have to sell the whole place? I don't know what the regulations would be if she tried to say to local government 'oh, but I can only sell 2/3 of it because my son lives on part of it without having actually bought it or anything'? Aren't they going to say 'tough, we need to maximise payments for your care home'?

Hopefully this will never be the case, but having seen people suffer strokes and go from perfectly capable to needing full time care, I would get some proper legal advice.

Kirschcherries · 02/09/2026 16:43

The last bit of advice I would give is do not underestimate what some people are capable of doing for money - even to their parents and siblings. Some People can and do act completely out of character.

Kirschcherries · 02/09/2026 16:41

Like pp step 1 is to either get the retrospective planning position or have it confirmed the property needs to be reverted back to a barn.

Step 2 is to get LPAs in place.

Step 3 is the future where I see a couple of options:

  • @Smallbrowndog is right your Mum selling her property to your brother for market rate and buying/renting somewhere else makes a lot of sense. However, I suspect this is the last thing your Mum wants.
  • as I previously suggested a legal agreement giving your brother the first right to buy your Mums property may give him the security he needs.

The issue is £££, by splitting the property potentially both properties have been devalued I.e. jointly worth £450k but severally they may not be worth £300k and £150k.

However, your brother has invested time & cash to improve the whole property, if retrospective planning permission is granted his property may be worth more than £150k.

But also your Mums property maybe worth more than £300 due to improvements but could be worth less if the division of the property is such it makes her property less attractive.

The planning permission is key along with a revaluation of the two separate properties. This may make your brother realise he has made a lot more profit than your Mum.

There is a lot of ifs in what I have just written so you need proper legal advice.

Smallbrowndog · 02/09/2026 13:13

Your brother may be passionate about keeping the land holding together, but it does mean that he gets the entire property for nothing, so unlikely to be just love for the land.

He engineered the current seperation of the holding, taking his third, but obviously with the intention of getting it all eventually.

I imagine he would easily be able to buy a similar 6 acre smallholding, but he wants it for free, and now ideally as he doesn't even want to wait till your Mum has passed away to get his hands on it all.

He soundd like an entitled boor, not someone who's bad at admin.

His decision to renovated the barn without planning permission was very risky, but his decision, you don't have to bail him out.

Of your Mum signed her house over to him, she could end up homeless - while he may not want neighbpurs, he might be happy to run an AirBandB in the summer.

Your Mum's best option may be to sell now - he'd have the option of getting a mortgage with his girlfriend to buy it, or part of it - and moving into her own place.

A smaller house and less land may be easier for her to manage, and gets her away from your brother and his bullying.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/09/2026 12:20

Just read the barn was converted without planning permission. If that’s the case how is register on Lane Register? All sounds very strange…

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/09/2026 12:03

This is pretty complicated situation as we don’t know how much work the brother did on the main house. I think splitting the house between you and your sister is only fair way of sharing assets on Mum’s death as brother has already had his third. He is lucky not have to pay rent for many years. I think your brother should plan on buying out your shares, even if he needs a mortgage, unless you and sister want to live there…

LlynTegid · 02/09/2026 11:09

I agree with @Hildegard25 who is more eloquent than I could be.

Hildegard25 · 02/09/2026 11:03
  • My mum already signed the property over to him and it’s registered with land registry. She has a will leaving the remaining property to me and my sister. We are completely cognisant that she may need to sell for care costs etc in the meantime.

This says it all.
"She has a will leaving the remaining property to me and my sister."
She is being more than fair to your brother, and she should at the very least stick to this.

After all it is her property and money, and she has already given away a substantial amount to your brother, and given you and your sister nothing so far.
This is her way of redressing the balance a little bit, but your brother is the big time winner here.

Hopefully your Mother will have a long, active, and healthy life and will enjoy her wealth and independence. 💓

Elsvieta · 02/09/2026 10:33

Ok, he did some maintenance and stuff, but he also lived rent free for a long time, and then he got a house for free. He doesn't really think it's unfair that he doesn't get the other house and the land as well, he's just saying so in an attempt to manipulate you. He couldn't actually, really believe that it's fair for his sisters to be cheated out of their inheritance because he doesn't want neighbours.

Millions of people live with neighbours whose houses are actually attached to theirs; it doesn't matter that the two properties are close. If I were your mother I'd sell her but now and move closer to you or your sister.

Think very carefully about how you can make sure he doesn't find a way to cheat you as your mother gets older and maybe more easily bullied / confused. It's bad enough that you're already in a situation where you could lose your inheritance to care costs whereas he won't. Your mother has already treated you quite unfairly. Don't let your brother manipulate you.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/09/2026 10:19

Your brother is a CF

Tel12 · 02/09/2026 10:17

Your brother sees the property as his by inheritance and right. He already has visions for the future and considers anything less unfair. I don't know how you get around it as mediation has failed. Your mum needs to stick to her guns. Your brother chose to do the conversion, he chose to work without the necessary consents. It seems he gets his way by bulldozing through. I'd be wary.

TheStepboardisfullofbitteroddos · 02/09/2026 10:12

Your brothers basically had free rent his entire life? And is now getting his inheritance 30/40+potentially years before his siblings? So once again not having to pay for a house or rent.

He's massively taking the piss.

MrsCarson · 02/09/2026 10:09

If I were your Mum I'd sell the lot at full market value if he buys it that's fine. But he's had a lot already. She could move closer to you and your sister and leave him to it.
He's a greedy beggar.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · 02/09/2026 10:05

So he built up his business and lived without paying any rent for decades.

I would create a spreadsheet and show him how much financial benefit he has gained by first of all living rent free, having business premises rent free, then having a home mortgage free - including how much mortgage interest has been saved.

His sense of entitlement is extraordinary!

It does sound a messy arrangement. And will become much messier if Planning Permission is not granted.

And being between your Mum’s house and garden would make any future sale if her property difficult.

But 100% back your Mum to stick to her guns. He has no grounds to be bullying her into grabbing more of her property.

RockinCara · 02/09/2026 09:49

To be fair, for those saying he has not paid rent, he’s probably saved her thousands maintaining the property if it’s a farm. It costs a lot of money to maintain fences and drains and keep the grass in decent condition etc.

If he couldn’t afford to buy the house he could probably be able to buy the land, so could perhaps have first offer on that? Which would safeguard his view and most of his feeling of privacy.

fishonabicycle · 02/09/2026 09:33

It's a tricky one but your brother can't inherit everything. That is obviously unreasonable. He is lucky in that he already has his third - you and your sister may get very little if your mum needs care. Your brother feels he is owed the property as he has maintained it, but that was equivalent to him paying rent/bills.

LittleOwl153 · 02/09/2026 09:28

Does your mum still work the remaining land? If not would it be possible to split her remaining part in half now - she retains the house, reasonable garden and access route and he buys the other half - so he is building his equity 'at home' with his mortgage if needed - which in turn means she is no longer responsible for its upkeep? She then also has something to give you and your sister now if she wanted to.

I don't think given how demanding he is being I would want him to own the house I lived in as it does out her in a vulnerable position with him especially if he decides to be challenging. She could add to her will to say that she would like him to have first refusal to buy the property (at market rate) if you decide to sell perhaps.

Mumtotornadoes · 02/09/2026 09:11

He is being insanely selfish. The fact he has been given a property already and countless years of rent free living in exchange for chores. Some of which his mother even paid him for. But still wants more is just out of order.

It is not his property. It is his mother's. It doesn't matter how much he did to it. It doesn't belong to him. And he can't just take it.

I'd suggest a compromise that he buys the part on the other side from his mother's house at market rate and then all his stuff goes there and his mum gets to have her own home to herself for the first time in her life.

ViciousCurrentBun · 02/09/2026 09:08

He was an idiot to convert without planning permission. I can see why he hates the thought of neighbour's being strangers in that set up but I would say tough.

If he doesn’t get the retrospective planning permission he may have to take it all apart. That may be the main reason in wanting the house. Doesn’t matter if he spent hundreds of thousands converting it all the house, may be back to a barn.

Needs to wait for the planning permission outcome before doing anything. But I would be totally supporting my Mother. He got free housing and a totally free land and barn that’s now a house.

IronEverything · 02/09/2026 09:02

Your brother needs to put his hand in his pocket.

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