AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

My daughter had an afternoon tea for close female friends and family members (our family and SIL's family) before her son was born earlier this year and my other daughters organised it. There were 18 of us, 4 generations and it was a fun afternoon. It was suggested that everyone could bring a book for the baby and write a personalised message inside. The messages were very touching and my little grandson already has a good starter library! I hope that the books, in due course, will be handed down and that future generations will also read the sentiments.

What happens after a baby shower if the baby/mother dies in labour? A horrid and tragic outcome obviously but for those who do baby showers traditionally (as in those who have this longstanding tradition) what happens these circumstances?

This and it means you have what you need set up and ready before you have the baby at home with you

i’m so glad this wasn’t a thing 20+ years ago when I had DC. I loved it when friends visited after the birth and bought cute outfits, mind you then it was rarer to find out the sex so once the baby was born, people bought appropriate outfits. Never had a list, we bought all essentials beforehand so any gift of clothes etc was a bonus.

Funny you didn’t say that before. Even if there were lists for both, it doesn’t mean you have to take a gift for both or even one. You also don’t have to attend.

I always take a gift if I’m invited anywhere. Even if I’m just invited to a friends house for coffee, I take a cake.

Mumsnet is quite a miserable place when it comes to people celebrating things. An adult having a birthday party is the devil on here.

Think it depends. I accepted an invite to an old work colleagues baby shower (hadn’t seen her for a while and thought it would be a nice way to catch up). Paid my deposit for the meal at the fancy restaurant. Then received the gift list from a friend of the mum with a note saying ‘these are the only gifts (mum) would like to receive as she has a specific theme and colour scheme in mind for all baby’s clothes and things’. List was full of items between £40 and £100 from expensive shops. When I arrived, she had invited about 40 women. They had booked out a room. So it cost me about £80 to attend that shower; and I never spoke to the mum as there were too many people. Didn’t even get a thank you text. Who knows who decided on the level of grabbiness but I’ve not been to a shower of anyone other than close family since.

I guess that, rather like a wedding list, it means you get the stuff you’re going to use and only get it in quantities you need. One well meaning person bought us a newborn gift of fancy version of something that the NHS explicitly advise not using because it’s a suffocation, overheating and strangulation risk. If they’d asked, I’d have requested some basic (washable!!) clothes for the 6-9 month range: it would have cost them a lot less, and would have actually been used. We also got tons of muslins and only used 3 of them (DC just wasn’t pukey at all).
So I can see the upside - provided people keep their requests to a reasonable price-point!

I wish more people did this it would make things easier i don't think its grabby unless everything on your list is expensive. If there are multiple items in the £10 to £20 range i think thats fine.

Both events had gift lists.

It’s a funny one because to me baby showers with lists seem

1. Grabby
2. Bad luck before baby arrives
3. American import (adds to the grabby feel as it’s not our tradition)

At the same time, I DUCKING HATED dealing with 70+ beautifully wrapped gifts postpartum.

Everything from unwrapping, recycling waste, storing gift bags, removing tags, laundering clothes, storing and sorting by size would have been easier antenatally.

I’m on the fence. I don’t think I could accept gifts before a baby arrives but I wish I could!

I got this message from a friend I really like about gifts for her baby shower and was honestly quite taken aback

“You asked about gifts” (I actually hadn’t and had already bought so think it was a mass message)

“- cute clothes in 3-6 months size (we have been handed down tons of 0-3 size already)

• Toys in wood or silicone (not plastic)
• Books for the baby, ideally interactive
• surprise us”

I don’t know it just felt weird. Maybe because I had already bought a lovely newborn set. I wouldn’t dream of mass messaging that to people, I would give direction if someone asked me maybe. Just made me wonder if that was the main point of the shower

You really needed gifts or a gift list? A bit grabby.

The point of the baby shower is the gifts. You give a “good” gift then, and an optional token gift when baby is born.

Registries make a lot of sense otherwise you end up with 3 baby baths, four lots of non matching bottles and seventeen different brands of nappies.

It's common here in Canada to have a baby shower usually in mum's 8th month to help prep her for the new arrival.

If it's her first baby, and if there are quite a few people coming, a list or registry can be helpful. There isn't the obligation to get a registry item, it's just a suggestion. Some friends will go in together on some items if they are a bit pricier.

It’s just a cultural difference, registry lists for weddings are considered rude in my part of Europe and baby shower registries are another new level! Tbf no one does them except Americans living here and I think they are mostly ignored as people find the concept alienating. Personally, I would find the idea of telling family and friends what to buy me for various events mortifying but for my USA based friends, I just go along with it and purchase something from the registry. I wouldn’t buy something else just to be difficult, however, if nothing if your price range I feel it’s acceptable to buy outside the dictates!

It’s not grabby unless they demanded you take a gift and weren’t welcome to meet the baby unless you did.

As others have said, the baby shower is when you can give your gift and having a list is helpful especially for a first time mum with a lot of things to buy. Bigger value items can always be purchased collectively as I have done with work colleagues for one of our work friends baby showers so it isn't completely a case of items not being affordable.
I am sure the mum would appreciate people buying things she actually needs than people giving a gift of clothes she might have tons of already as that can be what a lot of people end up buying.

I had a gift list but then I had triplets and really needed one. I think it’s sensible to get things you need and like, as long as it’s not considered mandatory- more suggestions

All the baby showers I have been to people have given practical gifts- muslins, bath, thermometer, sheets, steriliser etc so the parents have all the necessary things ready for the baby's arrival. Then when the baby arrives you can get it a cute gift if you want to but there would be no need

I didn't know they were a thing at all until I was invited to one. Everyone took gifts.
After the baby was born, there was another event... a 'meet and greet' where people took even more gifts. Just seemed grabby to me.

YANBU. I saw a US TikTok the other day saying don’t invite me to your wedding showers and baby showers if you don’t invite me to dinner or coffee.

So they have become all about gifts.

I’m going to one this weekend, no gift list, everyone is bringing something for afternoon tea and we are playing games and eating - I’m really looking forward to it.
Have bought the mother to be a prenatal massage voucher (she can use it post baby if she wants) and will buy the baby something when it’s arrived.
Lists are helpful I suppose if you know people are going to buy you presents anyway, I’d be happy to buy something from a list!

Typical lately has been a gift for the shower and then a card when baby arrives. I've never had a shower and shudder at the thought, but for many people they are a big & important pre-baby event. Every baby shower I've been to has had a registry with varying costs - from cot sheet sets to a pram. Typically grandparents/family pooling together have done the big item(s) and friends have done the things that are, I'd say, £25-50 range. I do understand it's helpful in terms of no duplicate gifts, but can come across as a bit entitled, not with everyone, but some.

I don’t think it’s grabby, more practical to have a gift list. Heavily pregnant mum to be has better things to do in her last trimester than return and exchange gifts she doesn’t need or has duplicates of.