AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

You've misunderstood, this isn't America and NOT our culture, so yes, here it is largely considered grabby. The tradition here is gifts once the child has been born.

Just from reading this thread it’s easy to see that Americans tend to be more generous than the British. It’s such a shame that a beautiful tradition has been reimagined as something “grabby” and distasteful.

The point that poster was trying to make was her friend WAS demanding gifts because there were gift lists. that means gifts were requested therefore expected. For both before and after baby was born.

You also don’t have to attend.

We all have to attend things sometimes due to social obligations and wanting to keep friendships and relationships.

Isn't the whole point of a baby shower that people come with gifts?

That's what the "shower" is - showering with gifts/ supplies for the new baby.

I didn't want one because I felt like it was just a way of asking for gifts - it seemed grabby regardless of whether there's a list.

That’s what I would assume!

People used to give small wedding presents. Over time bigger presents were given and now people are often asked for cash. I am wondering if in time, people will ask for cash at baby showers.
it just all seems very grabby to me.

why don’t you just get people to post the gifts if there is no need for celebration, just to handover the presents without the actual hassle of seeing people? By your explanation, it is a baby shower when people shower with gifts, regardless of a predefined list of not so technically the ones I’ve attended apparently meet your definition. It’s the list people seem to find a bit off-putting not the gift giving itself.

I don’t know why you feel so strongly that if someone can’t have a baby shower without following all American traditions - think about all the traditions the US imported and shaped - Halloween with pumpkins etc (should I be outraged you don’t use the traditional turnip?), which is probably what happened with baby showers here. People liked the idea, culturally they didn’t like the idea of registries and obviously forgot to ask your permission if it could still be called a baby shower.

And it’s great if you get something you know they will need. When I got married I had a gift list. No obligation for anyone to use it. One person went rogue and bought us an outdoor garden heater…. We lived in a 1 bed flat with no balcony. Grateful for a gift but we ended up giving it away as nowhere to keep it! Didn’t move into a place with any outdoors for about 5 years.

I didn’t see it as a bad luck thing, I just didn’t want anything to go wrong and come home to a house full of baby things.

I feel that way too. Out of principle that's why I refuse to use them. I won't be dictated to to spend X amount from a list - I will spend what I can afford.

I don't like the "bad luck" thing. I've lost babies and delivered healthy babies. None was my fault and I didn't jinx my pregnancy by preparing too early.

Miscarriage, still birth etc are rare and not caused by pushchairs or gifts.

You're supposed to give gifts at a baby shower. It's not grabby to be expecting gifts at events it's standard to get gifts. It's all very British to think one must pretend to be surprised that someone bought you a gift. Baby shower, baby birth, wedding, birthday.

A list makes everyones life easier , especially theirs, no one's wants 50 blankets that aren't even sleep safe, bottles when they're intending to breastfeed, or a constant stream of messages asking what they need.

You don't need to stick to the list of it offends you that much but them expecting you not to turn up empty handed isn't rude. It would be so rude to turn up empty handed.

My tip, buy a gift for baby at the baby shower. Buy a gift for mum when meeting the baby.

I don’t like it. Back in the day it was considered a bad omen to give baby gifts pre-birth and it was bad luck to have a pram in the house before baby was born. An appropriate welcome gift was a babygro or knitted cardigan. Now it’s an item of expensive, completely unnecessary equipment. Apart from parents/grandparents, nobody would buy an expensive present, certainly not a work colleague. Now it’s all gimme, gimme, gimme and it’s extremely tasteless.

For weddings and new babies I just gift money or whatever I like. I don't use any of the gift lists.

I agree. Seems perfectly fine to me.

It's a beautiful way to celebrate and support the soon-to-be mum. So many MN users have a stick up their arse about anything that isn't British unfortunately. We have a similar custom in my culture in the third trimester. (Although I didn't receive many practical gifts.... Mostly just clothes for myself and baby. Should've had a registry.)

It does feel a little grabby/not done. However, I'd just buy what I was going to buy them anyway and go off list if it's all too expensive, but give it at the shower instead of after the baby is born.

I’d prefer to get someone something they actually wanted rather than turn up with something they’ll never use or a duplicate item 10 people have bought them already.

I think a gift list for a baby shower is great, I have no idea what people want or have already got. Normally I will then give a small token for the baby once born (hand knitted hat or little toy) and a bottle of fizz for the new parents.

Yeah I agree OP but equally I dislike baby showers and wouldn’t want one for myself, the sash wearing and organised fun isn’t for me. I find it quite self indulgent and as for a pre approved list of presents that you’re expected to provide, also no. I also feel that way about bridal showers.

my work colleagues in my past pregnancies were incredibly generous and took me out to a lunch and bought some things, little clothes and some other bits and bobs which I was incredibly touched by, but it was certainly not my expectation that anyone should be buying me gifts.

Expecting someone to spend £30 on a gift is outrageous! I wouldn’t spend that on close family, let alone a friend who will probably expect another gift when it’s born!

That sounds lovely if the bride is young- I can just imagine how things would have been in times gone by. I can, however, see how that would translate if it came over to the UK that it simply would be gifts (again) as most brides are not in their early twenties these days. Thankfully that hasn’t made it over here yet but no doubt someone is ready to commercialise it. I like the idea that baby showers are originally not really about gifts but a ‘shower’ of advice. Sadly that is not the case in the UK where clearly the gift giving is the purpose.

F**k that! You’re having a baby. Great. Congratulations. Good for you. Can’t stand baby showers… let alone here’s a list of things to buy me. I’d be making excuses OP and don’t get me started on gender reveal 🤣…

It's fine in any circumstances where gifts may be given to OFFER a wishlist and make it abundantly clear that this is only for the convenience of gift givers who would like to use it, if it makes it easier for them to choose something.

And make it clear too that it's fine if they want to give no gift or a gift of their own choosing.

And mean it.

Oh, and yes gifts are definitely given at the shower and zero expectation for a second gift. You can bring flowers or chocolate for mum or something like that once baby is born if you like.

I think the expectation for the expensive items is in case a group of friends prefer to pool funds together and instead of buying a bunch of smaller items the whole group buys one larger.

The idea is to shower the first time mum with small gifts to help with the baby. I'm in Aus and it's usually wipes, nappies, creams, etc. I don't mind a list for gifts as long as it's reasonable. The shower for my god daughter I just attended she wanted books, wipes, nappies etc. you can buy as little or much as you like.

I don't like expensive pretentious lists though. Invited to a wedding in a few months, very young couple, never lived out of home, have nothing to start with. List we were sent includes £500 vacuum cleaner, £100 sheets, £250 fan/purifier. Oh, and we had to purchase from same list for engagement. Now that's ridiculous.