AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

Do you actually like your friends?

Cause if one of my friends was a bit freaked and under pressure about having an unexpected trio of newborn's with potential health issues, I'd hope I'd give her some slack about it all.

And if someone was all "I don't like your tone, stressed and overwhelmed friend", I'd probably think myself better off without them.

Yeah thats more than grabby.

I don’t know whether it was intentional but your post came across as incredibly demanding.

It stops being about people choosing to give a gift out of the goodness of their heart and becomes a demand for people to provide stuff because you are expecting three babies and are out of your depth.

People are more likely to help if it is their idea and their choices.

Tbh I think a baby shower in general is grabby. You get a gift when the baby is born. Why should you get another? And acquaintances who wouldn't normally buy you a gift at all may be feel obligated if you invite them to your baby shower.

This is my understanding too. I just give a gift at the baby shower and a card when baby is born. Some friends didn’t do a baby shower (I personally wouldn’t have one) and they just got a present when the baby was born

i also don’t see the problem with a list. I’m spending the money either way so would rather buy something useful.

But that doesn't sound like a baby shower? More like ongoing triplet support?

Just stop and think. As an expectant triplet mum you need to buy many things in TRIPLICATE. That is why I had a suggested gift list. People rallied together to help us at an extraordinary time with THREE premature babies on the way. The financial implications short and long term are huge. They wanted guidance on what was needed to help to practically support us as a family and they asked for a gift list. It’s extraordinary that you think this is grabby. I only hope you don’t have to fund three newborns at once with little chance of getting back to work anytime soon. Extraordinary view.

You'd think people didn't actually like their friends and wish mum and baby well, the way people go on about baby showers.

Get a gift from the list or not, but spare us the faffing about whether or not people followed the etiquette from Debretts circa 1987.

(Don't enjoy baby showers and didn't have one, but can't stand this sort of piffling moaning.)

Families do that, I do for my grandbabies. You don't expect that from friends at a grabby gift giving party. I'm sorry that's your environment, where expectations are expensive gifts because you let your bloke on the nest one day and got upduffed.

My mum bought our cot. My MIL bought our first pram. My sister bought us a changing table. Of course I could buy these things by myself, but they wanted to contribute. That’s what friends and family do, when they can. I’m sorry you don’t have people in your life who want to do this for you.

💯 We see a plethora of of “what should I buy for……” threads, but if anyone has a gift lis oh that’s so grabby!

Bringing a gift when you visit is commonplace where I live. I’m not from around these parts so it took a bit of getting used to. The guessing game of “do they drink wine?” does my nut in, as does receiving bottles of wine as a gift as a non drinker! I’d love if every person I knew had a gift list for even casual occasions. 😆

For baby showers, an event where gifts are usually brought, a gift list makes perfect sense.

Because I have been asked to put a bigger item on there as my grandparents want to spend around £100 and be able to say "we bought X" not just an assortment of random books etc.
Obviously it's our responsibility, but my family are very generous and want us to have the items we've chosen. I'm very lucky in that respect.
OBVIOUSLY if it doesnt get purchased we will buy it ourselves, which was always the plan before people generously offered to gift things to us. I don't for a second expect anybody else to fund my baby but if they CHOOSE to, then that's very graciously appreciated and here are the things we would like.
What a strange comment.

Thanks, yes I agree, we are buying the cot, furniture, pram, car seats etc ourselves. We only put the bedside crib on the registry as I know my grandparents want to spend around £100 and be able to buy a specific thing so it is on there more so for them. Most of my registry is creams, bibs, muslins, sleep sacks, bath toys, little things like that.

Why is a crib even on there?

It's like, "reet we had sex and now we expect someone to spend double coin on a crib ta'. Those things are your responsibility.

I find it uncomfortable. Why do people have to bring gifts and then more gifts once the woman has given birth? Having a list makes it seem like gift giving is compulsory.

Arranging an event with no actual significance for sole purpose of getting gifts is grabby because people still expect gifts when the kid has been born.

I don’t dislike baby showers but I do dislike this, especially when all of the items are big expensive ones. I was invited to a colleagues baby shower earlier this year which was the same, cheapest item on the list was £85 and the most expensive was a full nursery furniture set was £1800 closely followed by a pram at £1500! I was really shocked because surely those items aren’t the ones you expect from a baby shower! All other baby showers I’ve attended presents have mainly been clothes, blankets, token things like a money box or things for mum and thats more the kind of thing I would expect.

I thought it was a good idea to have a wish list

Personally I’d have a gift list of things I actually need to save duplicates and expensive outfits a newborn will quickly grow out of.
however I’d never dream of sending it as a ‘request’ with an invite and would have no expectation of gifts.
Then if anyone got in touch (as they usually do) to ask what I need, I’d send them the link. Wish lists on Amazon are perfect for that as it could genuinely just be my own shopping list but will give guest and idea of what you actually want for a while range of budgets.

i do think sending it before asking is grabby tbh

That's hilarious! How did they know you well enough to spend that amount but not know you lived in a flat?! I wonder at what point they realised it was a terrible gift...

Congrats!

I dunno personally I feel like it’s the parents responsibility to purchase all the big ticket items for their child, well in fact all things for their child, everything else others may purchase are bonuses. exception being if someone asked specifically what I needed and then I’d be saying things like bottles, vests, those love to dream swaddles etc

It might not have been your culture years ago when you had children but it is a lot now. Just like children in the uk have proms now but didn’t in the early 2000s

It’s much more sensible to do this for a baby shower than a wedding, baby shower people actually do need to buy a lot of expensive necessities.
I felt so awkward doing this but my friends all basically insisted I did it as they wanted to give gifts, and they wanted those gifts to be actually useful

That is another reason showers are seen as grabby - having to buy two lots of gifts is ridiculous

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and yep, I'm having a shower.
I've done a registry because we live in a small flat where there won't be room for lots of baby items and we have specifically picked items that are dual purpose or space saving etc. There is nothing on the registry over £70, that is one item (the bedside crib) and everything else is under £40 with most items being under £10. We'll buy the big things ourselves but guessed if people were wanting to give a gift, why not buy what we actually need so we have it for babys arrival? Otherwise we have to buy it all ourselves and then extra things once babys here.
We are also trying to avoid people buying us newborn sized anything as we are expecting a 9lb-er, and things like scented baby lotions, because both of us have very sensitive skin and expecting baby to be the same.

I do a gift at the baby shower. Usually a soft structured carrier or sling.
Then I give babygrows/muslins or bibs when baby’s actually here along with a card.
I would prefer a gift list so I know what they don’t already have, but after raising my boys I know that a sling is usually the one thing left off a list, and the most useful thing ever!