AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

WELL SAID!!

I don't understand how so many perfectly charming, pleasant American customs become so mangled by the British, and turned into grotesque imitations.

One thing that stands out from all of the many posts all over MN hear after year, on topics like prom, Hallowe'en, registries, baby showers, and even (laughably) automatic cars, is the inability to understand or appreciate human kindness, fun, and practicality. There's a puzzling determination to cast it all in the worst possible light.

Even more puzzling is the fact that the seething hatred of all things American is out and proud and unquestioned. Since when did being so closed-minded become so acceptable?

A baby shower is supposed to be thrown by friends or family of the mother to be. Your friend throwing her own is the only unreasonable element here.

A wish list or registry is 100% reasonable for a baby shower, the aim of which is to shower the mother with items that will be needed for the baby or for herself as a new mother. Ages ago when the tradition started in pioneer days in the US, there wasn't the same vast array of products available; women would make little clothes, sew little 'diapers', knit little receiving blankets, cardigans and booties, etc. Ever since the advent of the department store, shower gifts have been purchased, and in order not to waste money or saddle a new mother with a pile of stuff she has no use for, or force her to trek to the store with new baby in tow and a pile of unwanted gifts to exchange, registries or wish lists have been perfectly acceptable. It's not grabby but practical, and I really don't see the objection to it.

Showers have always involved gifts, and they have always been held before the baby is born. Their purpose has always been to show support for the mother as she prepares for motherhood and to make sure the baby was provided for whenever he or she arrived, from day one, not from a few weeks later when people.got around to visiting with gifts. The games and whatnot are not the point of the shower.

I’m 60 - baby showers weren’t a thing when I was having babies.

I know it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar to you but I think a gift wish list is SO much better than people buying random (horrible) outfits that will fit the baby when it’s the wrong season to wear them.

Well firstly I said “lake” , not “fake” making reference to the type of person whose world view would be lake America, rather than Lake Ontario… it’s been quite a big political discussion in the past few days.

also I’ve already said twice I’m Irish, not from the UK…. So obviously I’m not a Brit..

your credentials as an American are on full display, no need to swear. I don’t think having further discussion about culture differences would be productive, given the limitations displayed in your last message.

Yes. Of course different cultures have different traditions. As I said, I can understand why showers have not translated well to the UK. But I think it is culturally insensitive to suggest that showers are a "worst trait" of the US, especially considering that historically and even currently, they are way of women showing solidarity with each other.

Completely makes sense - and am not being snarky when I ask this - why do a shower, in that case? From some of the other posts I've viewed, it sounds like baby showers in general aren't part of your culture. A lovely gathering with the mother to be sounds really nice and a great way to celebrate without having a baby shower.

I'm in the US so potentially very different! Here, the shower is traditionally a party to shower the new mother with gifts in preparation for her child. The lists are helpful because we then know what to purchase - what type of bottles she prefers, for example, and whether to buy cloth or disposable diapers. She also then gets a completion discount after the date of the shower, so she can (on her own) purchase whatever she'd added to her list that wasn't bought at a discount from the retailer. Some women add big ticket items to their list for that purpose, with the intention of purchasing it themselves using the completion discount. Once the baby is here, close friends and family will often bring a small token (flowers, a hot meal, etc) when they come to meet the new baby, but a gift truly isn't expected at that time. I think the lists are practical and have appreciated knowing exactly what the new parents need for their baby.

Blaming the idea of a shower on pregnancy loss? Sorry I don’t quite follow that link (if that’s the one you’re making)

@RitaIncognita The village thing is after a baby is born and it was never celebrated here before a safe arrival. Obviously people in the USA can do what they want, but why can we not keep our culture without importing another one? These events just didn’t happen until we absorbed USA tv and suddenly mums to be here thought they were missing out! Of course you would if you wanted recognition and gifts. It’s so nice to receive gifts for your wonderful new baby and we are missing out on that.

But this isn't how it works there. Women don't organise their own. They organise them for others. Gifts are often small, or themed, and advice and tips and solidarity from other women relatives is a big part of it.

UK might copy trends from the US but in doing so, they copy them badly and without context, and that is what makes them worse. Showers, trick.or treating, proms, whatever - if you copy them superficially and lose out on a lot of the actual details, etiquette, history, context, then yes of course they will appear worse. But that could well be the fault of those trying to copy them, rather than the originals.

Fine too to not want a different tradition and to mourn the loss of UK traditions, and I can see why people might try hard to promote things from their own background. But it doesn't have to be by creating a bastardised version of a different culture's traditions and then rubbishing it as not as good. There must be something about the idea that appeals to people here, so find ways of incorporating that into old traditions and people will want to keep them.

Kind of like Americans adding cheese to Italian food and calling it Italian food 😬

We just cannot help copying the worst traits from the USA and we lose our own identity.

Fine if you think showers do not fit with your culture. But not so fine that you consider them a worst trait for a different culture.

As others have explained, historically honoring expectant mothers and brides with showers came from a sense of community, a sort "it takes a village" mentality. It's actually one of the best traits of the US, but speaking as an American who has lived in the UK, I can understand why it has not translated well.

Parents yes if they want to, mine bought me a second hand bugaboo for example- everyone else no. Most of the presents we got for my babies were worth around £10-£20 and usually something like a book or blanket. I would never expect friends to spend more or club together for a big ticket item. We got some nice hand me downs and the rest second hand. We are all middle class professionals.

Just saying the social norm is different in different places. I would think a baby shower with the expectation you bought something for £40 like a bouncer was grabby.

@Conundrummum123 It’s blaming the idea of the shower. That women organise them and expect a gift is driven by the notion of the shower which is 100% American. My DC are just over 30 and this idea was inconceivable back then. No one had one. We just cannot help copying the worst traits from the USA and we lose our own identity. Sincerely hope my DDs don’t have one. So far none of their friends have so they are not universal.

“Grabby” just isn’t a concept in the U.S. I had never heard that word before I moved to England. It seems meant to shame.

I dont have a problem. Im fact it makes life easier.
If you are turning up to a gathering you would tske s gift.
A wish list simplifies things and you may as well get people something they want.

The organisation, going through what they’ve received, making note of what they may still need to get, how much space they have, etc

there are a lot of websites that automate this for you - mine was on Amazon and it marked it as purchased

Nobody is expecting anything. You have to realise people live in circles that just will and that is their choice. But when someone is asking for ideas, a wish list is there for that reason. Also it’s long been established on this thread that nobody is expecting double gifts.

Something can and sometimes it does but that’s nothing to do with a shower

(said by a hater of baby showers) but I think the you might jinx it rhetoric is so toxic and woman blaming

Thinking more once they get the gifts.

The organisation, going through what they’ve received, making note of what they may still need to get, how much space they have, etc.

I rather not buy anything that makes additional work.

When my sister had her baby shower she had received a lot more than she expected and she had a small flat. She had boxes and gifts stacked in corners and some stuff she had to ask if she could keep at our aunt’s because there was little space for her to actually move around her flat. She had our mother’s help (I live in a different country from them) and was grateful for all the gifts but it was still a lot for her to sort and manage at the end of her pregnancy.

What additional task? Putting together a wish list?

If so, given the mother is the one having the baby and getting the gifts, that seems fair

I love a wish list because I rather know what to get and what not to get.

Often it is the mother who has to deal with it all at the end of the day and I rather not give them additional task whether baby is born or not especially if it is a difficult pregnancy/birth.

Not of my own imagining. I know people who have expected both. Mainly younger women who don’t seem to understand that it’s one or the other.

See also work collections where you have to contribute when the woman leaves for mat leave and then again when the kid is born.

Maybe I just know exceptionally grabby people

Lol, how the fuck am I giving “fake American” vibes? I’m literally American. My family has been here for generations so I think I have a slightly better grasp of American baby-shower customs than some Brit whose credentials are apparently “I have some American friends.” 😭