AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

Well to quote the oft-remarked observation on MN that "it's an invitation, not a summons," I have been to more than 50 baby showers in my admittedly long life and not once was I forced. And since no self-respecting American MTB would host a shower for herself, she is not demanding anything. This thread has, however, made it very clear that the tradition has not made a happy journey across the pond.

It's grabby, modern culture tbh. That's all. Why should you be essentially demanding that your friends and / or acquaintances pay for stuff for your child... Unpleasant tbh.

That previous reply is honestly mad, your event sounds so sweet. I'm assuming no one was forced to attend?! Sounds like a lovely time

What are you on about making people pay for their own meals? I said we paid for it. So what if we used the same name? You said it's only called a shower because the pregnant woman gets showered with gifts, but at this one the pregnant woman got showered with "love and attention" aka food and experiences.
Edit: just realised your not the same poster but my point still stands. And I don't know what it vain or tacky about surprising our pregnant friend with a lovely relaxing day!

Then come up with your own name for your tacky little vanity party where you don't bring gifts and make people pay for their own meals. “We showered her with love and attention” is a nauseating way of saying you threw a party for a pregnant mother and borrowed the name of a completely different event.

No clue. I've been working in corporate America for twenty years and this is truly the first I'm hearing of this.

@Anarchy99 Exactly! It was so much nicer in the uk before baby showers were even heard about!

We're not in the US so that's fine. We were showering her with love and attention!

Does no pressure mean no pressure though? Perhaps it does in the States. Here in the UK it would mean ‘if you don’t want to be involved we will judge you behind your back forever more’.

Yeah it’s not a baby shower unless someone is shamelessly expecting gifts

@DressOrSkirt It’s so hard navigating this new system of what mums might be given! Your event sounds great! I am sure the mum to be had a great time and, frankly, who cares that it’s not really a “shower”. We should be happy it worked for her and I hope she got a few gifts when the baby was born and had a “birth shower”.

Call it what you will, but in the US that is not a baby shower. A pamper party or whatever for the MTB, but the giving of baby gifts is what makes a baby shower a shower.

Yes, this is my experience of workplace showers in the US. Very low-key.

And colleagues who were close to the MTB would generally be invited to the main shower given by friends.

I've only been to one baby shower that we organised for our friend as a surprise. No gifts were involved but we paid for her lunch and spa treatments. We saw it as a way to spoil her, and have a proper catch up, before baby arrived.
I think expecting gifts is grabby, even if that was the original idea of baby showers. But I wouldn't find a gift list included as grabby as I'm sure she has lots of people asking what she'd like.

I’ve heard of some workplaces in the US having sort of mini-showers/parties at work before the MTB goes on maternity leave. Someone will email and say, “Hi, everyone – Emily’s baby is due on October 1, and Laura and I are organizing a little party in the break room over lunch on September 5. Come for cupcakes, punch and cookies! I thought it would be nice to put together a small gift basket for the baby, so if you’d like to contribute something, please give your gift to Laura or me by September 4 at the latest. No pressure! Hope to see you there!”

In the uk it’s not the norm to have two sets of gifts and many mums don’t have a baby shower. Those that do are clearly following a USA tradition and they are not following a British tradition of waiting for the baby to be born. There are groups of people who would never consider having a shower and they have valid opinions too. I rather think they don’t need stuff for the baby because they buy it themselves !

We do not do that in the US - work colleagues do not participate in any way, unless the mother has developed a close enough personal relationship to an individual that they'd be invited to a shower with her family and friends. I've also seen mention of work colleagues taking up a collection for the mother to be prior to mat leave; we don't do that, either. It's really just the shower.

Oh no! As we're talking about the adoption of US baby showers, I now see why this has become so irritating. For us, the baby shower is the sole gift giving event for the baby. It's not hosted by the mother to be, but rather a friend or sister, and the guests absolutely do not pay for food, tea, champagne, etc. It is a fully hosted event. Once the baby is born, there is no obligation nor expectation to give another gift. It sounds like as it's been adopted into the UK, both sets of traditions are being maintained and there is now an expectation of two gifts? I'd find that grabby too and can see why this has become really irritating. Even more so if mothers are hosting their own and aren't actually fully hosting the event.

But I didn't say anything even remotely similar to it's a 'naff, grabby American tradition'. I think you're confusing me with other posters. I'm the last person who would say that.

My posts are about the situation described in the OP, a woman throwing baby shower for herself and telling people not to deviate from the baby shower gift list.

Americans are entitled to have their traditions.

That's silly - how close would you have to be to keep up with a friend's purchases ahead of the arrival.of a baby? Would you expect the mother to be to send you an updated list of ticked off items every time she popped a little pair of socks into her trolley?

Indeed!

I had a baby shower in the US before my first DC was born. It was thrown by a very well off friend of my late MIL's and was held in a private club. The menu featured, among other Gilded Age delicacies, cold cucumber soup. The theme of the shower gifts was, nevertheless, homemade treasures. Along with happy memories of the many lovely older ladies who attended, and shared their reminiscences of having babies and snall children in the 1950s, supported by fleets of nursemaids, night nurses, and nannies, I came away with little crocheted matinee jackets, mittens, booties, pram blankets, a little hand made quilt, a tiny home made apron that I used a lot when my DC was a toddler, some lovely little hats, and a little

But do you not see how the scathing remarks about 'naff, grabby American traditions' are based on the corrupted British version of the baby shower and not based on the details or the spirit of the original American idea?

I won’t speak for anyone else, but I love shopping for baby showers. My husband and I have so many cousins that there’s about one a year, and one of my “tricks” is buying Christmas-themed baby items on clearance in January. I get some other things for each baby, too – several MTB have appreciated getting clothes that are the nine-month size or larger, because everyone else seems to get them newborn to six months.

The “gift grab” accusation is why you’re not supposed to throw your own baby shower. A friend, aunt, or cousin is supposed to throw it in your honor, and tell you ahead of time so you can let people know what things you need.

At least in the US, before registries, people were always calling the host or the MTB to find out what the MTB needed. Registries are supposed to make it easier for everyone, and there’s no obligation to buy something from the registry.

Traditionally, when it comes to a baby shower, it is bad etiquette to…

1. Throw a shower for yourself, or for a close relative.
2. Charge people to attend the shower, or ask for a financial contribution from guests.
3. Demand that gifts only be things from the registry.
4. Come to the shower but not buy a gift. The point of the occasion is to “shower” the MTB with gifts for the baby. If you don’t want to give a gift, don’t come to the party.
5. Have a baby shower for a baby that isn’t the MTB’s first baby. Possible exception if it’s a “surprise” later-in-life baby and the things the older siblings used as babies have been gone for years.
6. Expect an additional gift when the baby is born.
7. Put ridiculously overpriced items on a registry. It’s okay to put a few “big-ticket” items, because people might all chip in and buy one for you as a group.

Personally, I wouldn’t have wanted to receive a bunch of gifts only after my daughter was born. If you don’t know ahead of the baby’s birth what people are giving you, you don’t know what you need to buy, and getting gifts before the baby is born gives you time to write thank-you notes. I would also want to give the MTB something she could use and appreciated, as opposed to, say, a fourth copy of The Tale of Peter Rabbit.

Oh that is hideous! Not content with expecting stuff from their friends and family, they expect it from their colleagues as well?