DH blames me for DDs behaviour

Wow people on this thread really need to touch grass. What exactly is the crime of this 6 year old? She found out mum wasn't going to be available when she got in from school as she'd hoped so she quietly played and ate her snack? What's the crime of the OP? raising a child with enough coping skills that she was able to handle disappointment? Berating someone for giving THEIR child notice that they won't be there after school is lunatic behaviour even for mumsnet.

Because she shouldn’t be shouting and looking for her mum when she’s not immediately available.

Mum being free from work and ready for a hug is obviously a nice thing but it shouldn’t be something that causes a tantrum when it doesn’t happen.

She’s six, not two.

A potential tantrum because you’re not there waiting with her snack.

You don’t have a husband problem.

Her DD didn’t have a meltdown. Why are you saying she did?

OPs DH actually had an issue that the daughter handled it calmly and wasn’t ready to talk school stuff.

OP has a DH problem.

Your problem really is your DH. Either because he is ND and struggles with communicating and translating himself, he is picking up the wrong signals from her. Or because he isn’t ND and behaves like a stroppy teenager. I suspect the former.

if he wants to improve his relationship with her, he needs to remember that he is the adult and has to guide it. She cannot just ‘be told’ to be kinder or more communicative to Dad, he has to build that relationship with her.

there was nothing wrong with prepping her either, I do all the time especially when something big is going on in her life - new school year, new teacher these are big things for 6 yrs olds - and routine (security) is so much more important until they are settled.

everyone here debating the need for clear communication and expectation setting with children is bonkers, it’s a well known requirement of parenting. Especially if she were to be ND, abrupt change can be difficult for her to process and regulate.

but she isn’t the issue, as you say she handled it fine - you need to chat to DH about what is or isn’t rude and what he plans to do gain better trust and balance with his DD. You are not the default parent.

While not as sulky/mean as your DH appears to be from your OP, my DH struggled with dealing with normal small kid behaviour and took everything very personally. He seemed to expect the same level of connection our DSs had with me without the same level of interaction, interest, and care that I provided. He would be sad and frustrated but he did learn by watching and listening to how I interacted with our boys and copied this. It took time but it worked and then they branched out and found their own things to connect over. Maybe your DH needs help in figuring out how to interact with his DD - not everyone finds it easy - but first, he needs to stop the blame game.

That's your response to a fairly gentle piece of advice from someone who has been through similar? I know some people here have been fairly judgy, but @CountFucula did not deserve that response from you.

Get off the sherry and put the phone down Sara. 🤦‍♀️

Engerlund IS the UK, didn't you ken 😂

She didn't scream the house down though. OP's DH was annoyed because she gave OP a big hug when she came down after her call and she hadn't done that to him. He told OP that their DD had been a bit snappy with him, not that she'd had a melt-down.

OMG the people in this thread!!! Warning your child on your way home from school that the person who she usually sees when she gets home isn’t available because she’s on an important work call seems very sensible!

But, what about the husband's behaviour and attitude? Surely that is the larger issue?

You probably asked the right questions. At 6 asking how was school or what did you do today can be overwhelming but more precise questions can be easier.
As others have said she probably was tired and then the change of dad picking her up threw her.
Suggest he maybe reads some parenting books, especially those especially for father's parenting daughters.

But, as a mum of similar aged children myself, you do need to be giving her the chance to correct that behaviour herself. She knows not to yell and scream when she doesn’t get her own way, so instead of compensating every time with heads up and diffusing techniques, you’re going to need to start just expecting her to follow instruction. Being tired/hungry does affect behaviour but it doesn’t make that behaviour right.

Mine still misbehave and yell, it’s normal at that age, and they get told off when they do so and reminded to talk rather than scream and to try to understand mummy and daddy’s perspectives. You’re not helping her by avoiding disappointment. Disappointment is a normal phenomenon and she needs to start learning how to react to that.

It doesn’t sound like a ND meltdown, it sounds like a very typical reaction from a child who hasn’t yet been taught boundaries around handling negative emotions.

Yes this

I think the question is, Who is the adult here?

>DH in a bit of a sulk and when we were alone he said she hadn't told him anything about school

>He told me that it was my fault because I made him the bearer of bad news (because he had to tell I was on a work call and would be unavailable)

>DH without realising it can come across as constantly criticising and negative e.g coming in from work and the first thing he will say is "turn down the music" "pick up those toys" etc rather than having a nice interaction with her

Where is the parenting in all of this?

Haven't heard that one in a while. 🙄🥱

That is also a bit mad. Blimey I'm wondering about the well being of little girls listening to all this

Seems the only person controlling things here is the 6 year old. Where is the parenting in all of this? Being told her mum is not immediately available when she gets home shouldn’t provoke a meltdown, and I would be telling her if it did, privileges that evening would be withdrawn. Sounds like the dd is in charge.

My friends son went through a phase at about 6 or 7 where he shouted all the way home and she couldn't do a damn thing about it only let it run. She thought it might be not eating at lunch but school confirmed he was eating fine. She was very embarrassed. Eventually it settled down. School never saw it. It was specifically an after school thing. He was a little neurodiverse and just overwrought from masking and behaviour coming out with the safe parent.
My daughter used to do similar to OPs-:but not talking to me then later call her father and have an animated conversation.
OPs husband doesn't realise this is normal and not personal.

Yes it is. She's 6, she's still learning to control her emotions - that's what the development stage is for 6 year olds. Also, I am never ever going to think a six year old, excited to see her mum is a bad thing, only on MN eh.

And tolerate? Lol, why do you think she wanted her husband to tell her child before hand? To avoid it. What's better? To warn her then it's no issue and all calm or punish her severely for being a six year old when it was all avoidable in a kind manner? The daughter, no doubt will grow up, learn how to control herself and I daresay the teenage years of barely grunting at her parents when she comes home will be here soon enough!

Sorry that's a bit mad. Kids coming home from school are tired and a bit grumpy Usually. Also very normal to have a favourite parent when tired ill etc.

I didn't see this post. Tbh if your DH is displaying enough ND traits that he's seeking an adult diagnosis, I suspect this may be the root of the matter?

He's not cognitively able to join the dots between his behaviour and how he comes across and her relationship with him.

He may have an idea of the "correct" way he wants her to behave, or see other daughters enjoying chatting to their dads, but he can't see that him being pernickety means she's less likely to relax with him.

He thinks it's "unfair" she has a closer relationship with you.

He wants her to have exactly the same "relaxed conversation" as she has with you. But in order to crave a hug and a chat, she has to feel safe with him and she probably doesn't.

You see this often in adult ND people - they can be verbally intense and don't really put others at ease (whether it's asking interrogation style questions, or being contrarian or hypercritical). Then there's upset because others zone out or avoid them.

The Scottish schools have been back at least a week, some went back as early as 12th August. The August Bank Holiday Monday isn't a holiday in Scotland, except for banks.

Convenient.
Stop picking on people over nothing, it's very dull behaviour and besides it wasn't even the basis of the OP's thread despite what you say.