DH blames me for DDs behaviour

Isn’t that why he had to tell her you were unavailable in the first place? So she didn’t have another “meltdown”?

Agree … sounds like this is the actual issue. Why did he have to be the “bearer of bad news” in the first place?!?

I agree her husband seems immature.

It wasn’t a meltdown, that was the terminology OP used.

Some weird judgy responses here OP. I'm more in your husband's position - he's the louder and chattier person of us two and the kids are chattier with him than with me.

I do think that he has sometimes tried to 'weaponize' his livelier interactions with the kids when we had conflicts between us and that he has actively interfered in my interactions with them, which is shit.

Never, ever have I requested of my husband that he order the kids to interact differently with me. I have requested that he stop talking over me himself and not pretend all is fine if they are actively rude to me, but I bloody well take responsibility for looking after my relationships with my children myself. I think your husband should, too.

It's his interpretation that that's why she was less than chatty. She's also objectively done nothing other than been a bit quiet.
Kids have all sorts going on internally. One of the things you learnt as a parent is a lot of it is not personal.
Some of these responses sound like they come from the villain in a children's book!!.

Oh ffs she didn't scream at anyone. Why would they be sitting down to discuss anything when the child did absolutely nothing wrong

So you just made up a scenario in your own head and gave the OP advice on that made up scenario rather than actually responding to the actual OP?
Name one child in the history of children that hasn't reacted badly to dissappointment at some point previously?
The OP handled this perfectly the child responded remarkably well to the change in routine so I really don't think she needs any of your advice.

It is interesting that your husband is getting tested for ASD. As a society we are generally tolerant and accommodating of children with ASD but somehow this disappears when they are grownups. If your husband is ASD he may well have have sensory issues meaning a screaming child is harder for him to cope with than you.

You both need to sit down and properly discuss how to manage this. It is not normal behaviour for an NT 6 year old so she may well be ND. So the problem and solutions need to be seen through the lens of both being possibly ND.

Yes but reading other OP posts OP mentions meltdowns and other inflexibility around DD - so I was responding to that not simply the original post.

This

It sounds like a lot of it is the way he communicates, it's not very child friendly, more like he's parenting like it's a job.

A dad who communicates well would have managed expectations better, in a more fun way - maybe tip toeing into the house to not disturb mummy, having a special dad snack, planning a surprise like hiding when mummy did come down, using it as a chance to detour to the park. Not as a bearer of bad news, which is just reinforcing the idea that mummy not being right there is wrong in some way.

The same with loud music, or mess - it's not what he's saying, it's how he says it.

Op, it's on him!!!

How did she back track?

I totally agree. Most kids enjoy the familiarity and safety of routine, i used to be a teacher and even kids that are 11/12 loved that I used a visual timetable which showed what subject was coming next. If the usual routine was changing I would let the kids know out of respect and to allow them to manage their expectations. It's absolutely normal for a 6 year old to like a routine and it should be encouraged. She handled it brilliantly when mum wasn't available so we'll done OP and well done DD

You know you’re her favourite. You got him to be the bearer of bad news. You then backtracked on that when they got home, so he looks like the baddie and for no reason.

You're surprised he's a bit miffed. FFS.

Personal view is that parents need to back each other up so if child is being unkind to one then the other needs to reinforce those expectations. You don’t get to be mean to one parent and then get the other one fawning over you. That just fuels the favourite parent thing.

My thinking is that it would just be easier all
round if the DD didn’t have certain expectations about who is available straight after school, that’s all

I think they're managing those expectations quite well, actually - by giving her information and letting her do what she will with it. This time, she processed the information, got used to the idea that Mum wouldn't be downstairs when she got home, and stayed calm about it. Next time, she'll remember that she coped just fine when this happened before, and she'll spend less time being disappointed when she hears the news. Soon she won't be bothered any more.

There's nothing wrong with easing someone in, when you want to modify behaviour or expectations. Think of adults with fear of flying. Do you just keep shoving them on a plane and bollocking them when they panic? Of course not - you give them information ("that noise is just the landing gear retracting") and get them used to it gradually.

It was a bank holiday in England, not all of the UK!

I just don’t think the fact that OP is in a meeting is something that her DD needs to be informed about in advance, especially if it then makes her DH the “bearer of bad news”.

As @Delphiniumandlupinssays, maybe it would be better if OP being available wasn’t the default so that if she is around, it’s a nice surprise, but it not, it’s also not a big deal for the daughter.

My thinking is that it would just be easier all
round if the DD didn’t have certain expectations about who is available straight after school, that’s all - it’s not about having fixed ideas about her behaviour as such.

I really want to tell responders to get off this kid's back. There's no child behaviour problem here.

You have some very fixed ideas which are not that realistic about how children should act. Kids are very different from each other. But most children respond to routine and predictability. OP is showing she's providing that. That's all.

It's lovely that you can usually take a quick break from work when your DD gets home but it might be easier for everyone if you vary things a bit and let your DH be responsible more often. Then if she does have a loud reaction she won't be interrupting an important work call and you can challenge the behaviour when it happens. Also, if your DH normally collects DD from school he knows how talkative she is on the way home so maybe she was being rude/sulky?

Tolerate the tantrums. Any of mine behaving like that at 6 would've been sent to their room until they had calmed down as they obviously needed the space to compose themselves. Although tbh they'd had mostly outgrown tantrums by the time they were 5

My point was that she shouldn’t have to be prepped in advance in order for her not to get upset. Mum being stuck in a meeting should be just one of those things, not something dad needs to prepare her for before she gets home.

I can't see how telling a small child that their routine will be changing today is lax parenting. It's just giving them information.

Based on this thread, you'd almost think some people would rather not tell the DD so she could go ahead and have a meltdown, which would give them a chance to punish her and "nip it in the bud", thus demonstrating their superior parenting skills.

Anyway, I think it's likely that the DH here is uncomfortable with the way the OP is the preferred parent. He doesn't like being second best. The DD no doubt subconsciously picks up on this, perhaps feeling she's disappointed him, and is more subdued with him. It's a self-perpetuating cycle that's really hard to break. You have my sympathy, OP, but it's on your DH to change his attitude, not you.

But it didn't cause a tantrum, the child didn't react badly at all. She quietly played away until mum finished work what more do you want from?