DH blames me for DDs behaviour

Basic thing to let children know what is going on that day. She deserves to know her usual routine isnt happening.

Im always a bit surprised by the amount of people on this forum that don't seem to understand that children don't always follow the developmental timelines that are in the books.
Is it really that odd that a six year old isn't always perfectly behaved or easy?

I should be shocked at some of the comments on thread but I’m not, as the mother of a SEND child, the judgement goes with the territory 🙄

Maybe educate yourself on ND children’s behaviour after school.
Judging a 6 year old for having a “tantrum” 🤣 or mum for preparing her child for a change to the usual routine God forbid she actually puts the child first 🤣
I have a child with Asd,Adhd and a PDA profile. Her meltdowns after school were horrendous and heartbreaking 💔 after masking all day and complying with all the demands her cup was overflowing.

And maybe mention to the DH that if he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he could put some effort into being the good guy?

For instance, if he knew you had a work call that would last till, say, 4pm, he could have taken DD for ice cream after school as a special Dad treat? Not necessarily that - it may not be possible - but something fun, as a PP said, to turn the situation around.

My daughter was an absolute nightmare for changes of plans. She would melt down after school for a lot less than that.

Its hardly that unusual to have autistic kids that need pre-warning about changes. It's such an easy thing to do to make transition times easier.

I can see why she prefers you OP, DH sounds very immature.

I think the reason you're getting a bit of criticism on here is because you change your story.
Here you say you wanted to prepare your DD because if disappointed she goes into meltdown. TBF what you describe above is to be expected in a 3 year old, but by 5 or 6 they should be dealing better with disappointment.
Then later you say, if I can't make a prearranged meeting with anybody (client, coworker, friend, child) then it's only polite to let them know - and most of us think that's a bit overkill for a 6 year old.

BUT

That isn't the question you're asking is it. It's about your DH and his relationship with his daughter. By all means talk to your daughter as you promised, but don't tell her off, try to understand what happened between her and her dad (yes, I know you asked yesterday, did you speak to her and did it help?).

I think you could point out to your DH that he is the adult and it's up to him to set the tone of his interactions with his daughter. Telling her off for being "rude" and "disrespectful" might massage his ego, but it won't make her want to engage with him, will it?

I get it totally. I think it’s always helpful to head off sudden disappointments and changes of plans with a gentle heads up, or preparation for an alternative. I think this helps build resilience rather than undermining it. Even with adult service users/clients at work, you can head off disappointments and complaints by managing expectations in the first place. Most humans generally like to know what the plan is or what’s expected to happen next.

There are loads of threads on here about kids struggling to cope with parents WFH knowing they’re in the house but not available.

It’s a whole different ballgame if your child is ND 🤦🏻‍♀️ I have a child with a PDA profile who had big meltdowns after school and the slightest thing would tip her over.

Some of the responses on this thread are batshit, and I don’t mean the OP’s.

@Plastictreesofgold here’s a flogger - it’s what you deserve for being the shittest parent in the history of parenting 😂

By you doingvthe talking to her you are reinforcing the idea that you are the only person she will talk to. Becoming default carer.
Your DH needs to learn how to navigate these situations and respond appropriately.
It would build a better relationship and respect if he talks to your DD about how he feels when she is unkind to him and reinforce how we should be kind to everyone.

So your husband usually collects her & all that was different about today was that you couldn't come down immediately that she got home?

So what is she usually like with him when he collects?

Is this the first time she hasn't answered as he would have wished?

That’s a lovely routine.

It sounds like your DH is responding almost child to child and you are almost facilitator between them - like you would be for siblings. He’s taking her behaviour unnecessarily personally.

If she doesn’t want to talk to him my question is why? Does he listen to her or lecture her? Is he playful with her or serious? Does he do things with her? Is he thinking about what her behaviour communicates and what she might need or does he just see it as just naughty?

Basically, we are wired to prefer our mothers. From birth we know their voice and smell and attune to it. Other adults can absolutely become the key attachment figure but they have to work harder at it. I’m wondering if he needs to work on their relationship a bit.

I’ll be honest, I’ve only read to the end of page 1, but the number of people saying a 6 year old should be fine with mum not coming down as she usually would - why? Why should she be fine with a change to the routine, ND or otherwise? She is 6, not 16, not even 10 - she is a young child, who is more content when she is aware of things will not be as she expects.

She may be ND, she may not, but regardless she’s allowed to be frustrated/upset when things are not as they usually are. If the OP had said her 6 year old had a tantrum when things were not as she expected, the obvious solution would be to let her know things would be different (is possible), whilst building on resilience to change at an age-appropriate level.

I find more and more we expect things of young children that are not developmentally appropriate…usually because people think children should be mini-adults…it’s sad, really.

OP, if your husband could be ND, he may need help formulating scripts for certain interactions that seem to provoke responses he seems disrespectful - so things like, as someone said, asking what the funniest/happiest/silliest/most annoying thing that happened that day was. After a snack, obviously. A bank of scripts and talking through ‘flash points’ may help him (ND adults need support too) - basically, support to manage situations and behaviours without resorting to you to deal with it, as he’ll have no clue when she’s a teenager otherwise, and she will have little respect for him.

That's a leap. She told the child via DH she couldn't be there when the child arrived home as she was on a call but she came down once her call was over.... and you think this is "backtracking"? Do you even understand the word?

How nice

She then appeared and doted attention.

After getting dad to kill the mood on the way home from school saying she wouldn’t be available. Which apparently has to be done to avoid child making a fuss and disturbing call.

All my children where at school and I am in the uk

Bloody hell for not knowing all the bank holidays for each of the UK countries

Yes, I thought it strange that a child was in school on Bank Holiday Monday!! Do you reckon someone’s doing research for a novel?

Not in Scotland

Most of Scotland doesn't have the Bank holiday -obv banks and UK mainly financial orgs are off but its business as usual here.
England had heatwaves Scotland not so much, just pleasant weather but English media don't cover any of that!

God what a massive baby he is.

England isn’t the only place in the world you know. Or even the UK 🙄. Scottish schools went back three weeks ago.

Does DH have a meltdown if you don’t tell him then?
You said in your OP that he had to tell her to avoid a meltdown like last time …. not that he was telling her out of common courtesy.