DH blames me for DDs behaviour

Everyone's daughter can be rude. In fact everyone can be rude. On this occasion though she hasn't been rude. She has been quiet and later talked to her mum.

Your reaction is disproportionate

My reaction? I haven’t had a reaction, I’ve given an opinion - disproportionate doesn’t really come into it. You seem very upset by it all though.

She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

I got this from the OP, which I read. This is the view of the OP, a woman. The ‘adult male’s view’ doesn’t come in to it for me, it seems to for you but that’s your own angle.

So it’s the OP who defines for me that her daughter can be rude.

Exactly! My word, he is a father and a man ffs. He's a role model to DD, show some strength, help to install boundaries
This is the problem with 'weak' dads, it's the same as no dad, useless!

If husband has ND its possible he PERCEIVES daughter being a bit quiet as her actively hating him and choosing to mistreat him (even though she's a tired 6 year old! ).

His feelings of rejection and uncertainty become fact about her thoughts and behaviour.

That's why autism is a social connectivity disability and why sometimes the perception of a social situation is very skewed.

For example I have a group friend who has autism.

After a group night out I let him crash on my couch after a missed train (which I was happy to do. He's a cool guy and I have some ND myself).

Next day, he couldn't comprehend that it wasn't a social occasion and I'd told him I needed to work.

I went into my home office and he came in and started asking random questions in a fairly intense, critical way.

Obviously I'd offered breakfast and shown him the shower/how to make coffee but he'd refused all these. He had his mind set on questioning me!

I wasn't going to take the day off to explain to someone anxious to know how much my bills were (!).

Later on that he kept insisting I hated him as if we'd had this massive row and I'd criticised him.

I had said nothing negative and honestly it wasn't important enough to even think about. I like him fine in the group, have always been supportive and polite.

Sometimes ND is perceiving extreme rejection, just as someone hasn't done exactly what the ND person wants or imagines.

I wonder if this is what is happening in this situation?

Assuming you are genuine I'm not sure you've read the OP. Your reaction is disproportionate.
Are you someone who would always adhere to the view of a male adult over any other view for example the view of the mother, the perspective of the child?
In other words who defines rude for you in this scenario?

I have a 17 year old with autism & ADHD. Sounds like uiu manage your daughter's routine and emotions well. People with neuro typical children won't understand fully how these small things can effect them. Especially right after school when she is decompressing from a day. Your husband needs to work through his feelings of hurt because your daughter isn't speaking to him.

Then you should understand that every child is different and what works for one child may not work for another. Especially if that child is suspected ND.

This little girl didn't even do anything wrong, she waited quietly for her mum. The DH just got angry because she didn't tell him all the minute details of her day.

I’m a teacher and have had 3 6-year olds of my own. I know how kids can be, how they are and how we can support them as adults. Raise. Your. Standards.

Your expectations of a 6 year old are unrealistic and it's potentially damaging to communicate your unrealistic expectations to everyone especially in such an authoritative manner.
Why do you think that's ok? Please stop doing this and educate yourself about child development before giving people such directive advice

Why do you think saying all that exaggerated nonsense and being allowed to be rude are the only two options here? Raise your standards.

Because it's common for 6 year olds to come in from school and announce
' I'm a little tired so I'm not feeling like talking much might I have some space please Dad? "
And
" Dad I'm.just feeling a bit upset because my friend played with another friend please don't expect too much in the way of conversation. I wanted to talk to mum about it but please don't feel rejected it's not a reflection your parenting I just see you in a slightly different role"
Why on earth wouldn't they just do that?
Appaling.

What sort of things does DD say to him when she's snappy/tired/hungry and does she say the same things to you? I think you said DH blames you for her behaviour but does he say why - is he suggesting that she copies you? Similarly you might think she behaves like him so maybe it's a case of her picking up on friction between you both, I'm not saying that's the case but it's possible. Another possibility is what's happening at school - DD used to come home from school either chatty or tired but she didn't have meltdowns - the only person who upset her was her dad when she had contact with him.

Something else just resonated from my own experience - DH is blaming you and DD but it's nothing to do with him - that's a red flag x

She sounds likd a right little madam. She should't speak to either of you disresprctfully. Teach her some manners. If it's any condolation, my daughter was awful until she reached about 12. She's now 19 and absolutely lovely.

What ‘expertise’ would you like me to have, here on this anonymous forum? What an absurd thing to say.

And your expertise is?

Your husband - and you - need to take charge of your child’s behaviour. At 6 she shouldn’t be having meltdowns or speaking rudely to anyone. Why do you allow it? She’s allowed to be upset/disappointed/tired etc but there are ways to express that without being rude.

your DH needs to realise he is an equal parent and can be firm with her when she speaks to him disrespectfully - but he needs to put some time in to build a better relationship with her.

I'm just wondering how he was brought up - was he met with grumpy daddy & happy mummy - it matters - kids copy their parents unconsciously and they don't miss a trick. It sounds like DH needs to get his head in the game for all your sakes, my ex couldn't be arsed either and thought he was the head of the household - everyone else should obey him, he mattered most! We left him. I had to learn all about diversion & countless other tricks of the trade to achieve goals in a fun and structured way, it's whether a parent can be bothered - kids are hard work but seeing the smile on their face rather than tears streaming down there face makes everything worthwhile. You reap what you sew - him blaming you is a cop,out, a way to get out of doing what he doesn't want to do.

I think you need a word with your husband not your daughter. Relationships between parents and children aren't based on duty, they have to be genuine connections. If he wants his daughter to talk to him, he needs to build a relationship where she wants to.
My dh wfh and if he's in a call after school our kids wouldn't be upaet/need him, because I'm there and vice versa. I would warn them as we arrive in the sense of "don't go into the office/stay out that area because daddy is on a call" but they'd not be disappointed or upset *and both are nd.
I suspect the dramatic reaction/need for you that dd has is a symptom of the same thing your dh is upset about. She doesn't have a good relationship with him, she doesn't feel safe with him and doesn't relax around him. Hence her attachment to you and her distance with him.
I'd discuss with him how he builds this back - it doesn't take a lot. Do they have anything in common just the 2 of them? Board games? Film or tv? A love of reading? My dh always takes them swimming and goes running with my dd. I'm not a fan of either activity and its their special time, they get snacks after and generally bond. My ds and I love films so we take a monthly cinema trip just the 2 of us or have movie nights. My dd and I read together before she goes to bed and that's our special time. He needs to begin to build connection points with her without you. He also needs to understand child development, of course she isn't chatty in the car, she's tired (tbh, this isn't even child development is it, adults aren't super chatty on their commute). Help him think about how he can relate to her better and I suspect when she's happier with him, she will also be less reliant on you

Exactly this. In addition the demands of school are a lot- You've no idea what little thing might have troubled a child on any particular day even a neurotypical child.
The idea they should be little miniature adults - it's so puzzling.

Why on earth would you have such a bloody song and dance coming in from school?

When 7 year old DGS comes in from school ( could be either parent get him and the other may or may not be at home) he's told to change out of his uniform and get a drink and a snack. Tgen he can play or chill out for a bit. Been same since he was 4

That’s indulging..she has to learn the world does not revolve around her. I started off thinking, have the word with DH but now you need to tell DD, you are working when she gets home and if you aren’t there straight away, she has to wait. And expect to wait. She should not need to be pre warned every time. Your being there is a bonus, not an entitlement. You created the expectancy of the big welcome home as soon as she’s in the door. She has to learn otherwise or you’re creating a monster by the time she’s 10. She fits into the family. The family does not fit around her. And being rude to DH isn’t on . But he has to also sort that himself.

I have three kids. Two absolutely no chance of a chat right after school about their day. They need to decompress. Both are ND but I'd also be fine with this if they weren't. My 6 yo also uses me as sort of a safety talisman, he needs to give me a cuddle for his chaotic mind to feel calm after school, he has been masking all day.
This is not "rude" to his dad.
The other will chat, but only about silly inconsequential things. Like the rude word his mate yelled in class, nothing important.

In the OP, you said that your DD had been snapping at/being disrespectful to her dad. But now you're saying that she wasn't actually rude? I mean, if she was just giving short answers due to tiredness, that's one thing, as long as she was polite. But she should certainly be pulled up on snapping and rudeness. Of course, he should be the one to address that behaviour, it's nothing to do with you if you're not even there to witness it.

UK and England are not the same thing.

It sounds like you have two children to deal with, OP.
Its your husbands issue how his daughter interracts with him, not yours.