It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

Happy Birthday.
Be like a royal.. have a real birthday and an official birthday.
Work days.. just do some nice things for yourself like a nice lunch or something then .. pick a good day at the nearest weekend for the bigger celebration.
There's no reason why a birthday can't last all week. x

Ask them what they have planned for your birthday. If they look blank or say nothing, tell them you'd at least like them to acknowledge and celebrate the day for you - as you do for them.
Happy Birthday 🎂

Happy birthday OP, well done for being brave and posting, looks like your real present was an adjustment to your parenting style that will likely improve your relationship with your kids as they become adults. Don’t be too hard on yourself about this situation, you’ve done the best you could and have now assessed the situation to do well for yourself too.

THIS.. You need to consciously put yourself first more. Set the example and show them that you think you are worth this.

I'd be a bit sneaky and say "I want to ask you both what you would like for your next birthday".. Then ask if they think everyone in the family deserves the same? You have to be affable about this, without conscious guilt tripping, as if you were discussing a holiday or something.
Say to them that they can organise something for Sunday.
Remind them that being thoughtful doesn't cost money, a birthday breakfast or or something helpful without being asked costs nothing.
Then at least you've told them straight what they need to do and given them time to do it. If it doesn't happen. Go on strike!

Tomorrow
Do exactly the things for yourself that you do for them. Buy yourself a lovely present that YOU want. A really nice cake, leave it out with some candles next to it so that they can see it . If they can't be bothered to come and share it with you nicely by a certain time, I'd start on it myself then portion it up and freeze it.
A big bunch of flowers.
See a friend or spoil yourself.
If there's no time, then a movie in the evening and a nice takeaway but plan something nice for the Saturday, shopping trip or otherwise. And let them fend for themselves that day.

At a later date I'd be having a good chat with your DD about her plan to have cash to go shopping and then not bothering. That was so cheeky.

I hope you spoil yourself tomorrow and have a nice time. They will soon catch on.

Happy Birthday OP! Next year (or even next month) suggest you go on a Extreme Day Trip somewhere in Europe with a nice friend.

@canarywharfs Happy Birthday! It's also my birthday today, and I've been on my own all day, due to work commitments on the part of others.

I have nowhere near the amount of cards I usually get, (which wasn't ever a huge amount) - just a few texts. Feeling a bit sad!

All I've done is go to the post office today. I did have a nice weekend, but today, lots of people seem to have forgotten, which always seems to happen.

When I was at school, my birthday fell either on the first day back after summer, or the last day or two of the summer holidays. So everyone forgot. Doesn't seem to have got any better over the years though.

Happy Birthday from your birthday twin 🪩 ❤️.

Happy birthday and well done for holding their feet to the flames on this.
Id really very much be getting her some Asda pyjamas, Asda bath stuff and an Asda card next month. Just to ram home the point.
have a lovely time tomorrow.

I would say to them that Saturday evening is your celebration. I note you did not mention your son got you anything. You could also say that if they don't make an effort on Saturday evening then they can expect nothing to happen on their birthdays. Are your teens any good at cooking? They could sort out a meal and a home made cake .Tell them that a lot of people on mumsnet thought they are typically selfish teenagers and you are giving them a chance to put it right. If your son doesn't get his act together then he will get nothing for his celebration. Next year they need to save up and get you something that you really want. If on Saturday they don't sort out a lovely day then DO Not get them a thing for their birthdays. You can tell that is what you have been advised to say and do.

You sre not being unreasonable and deserve much better than that but showing children how to care starts at an early age as does an understanding of why we are doing this. A crash course in a this is certainly required now.

Happy birthday @canarywharfs . I really hope you've had cards and kind messages from your children.

I think with teens they need a wake up call sometimes that the world doesn't revolve around them. We've just had a "chat" with our 11 year old about what kind of family do we want to be. If he wants a family that puts in a whole lot of extra value effort, kindness and focus on him, then he needs to buy into and share that attitude and those values. (Obviously at 11 I don't expect him to shop for birthdays etx, but thanking people for their time, helping out at home, contributing to birthdays etc).
I'd sit your teens down and list out the additional (above the legal requirements of a good parent) time, love, money and thought that they get and just get them to sense check if they share in the same level of input to their family. Do they help each other and you out they way they get helped? Do they spend as much thought on birthdays, Christmas? Do they put as much energy into helping around the home? How would they feel and what would life look like if you put as much though and effort in as they do?
Sometimes they just need to stop seeing parents as robots there to revolve around them as if they were a toddler, and instead recognise they're older and with all the freedom it brings, they also now have the responsibility of being an active member of the family. If they don't want to be part of that type of family, fair enough, but then you mirror what they want (no more weekends away, no more lavish celebrations for them, no more cooking favourite dinners or shaping holidays around their interests).

Happy birthday!

Show your kids the responses on this thread.

Tell them that you're hurt they don't show that they care. Talk to your mum about it as maybe she can have a word with them.

I'd also add that this is part of them learning to adult. It's not OK to let it slide because they need to learn to make sure they think of their future partners, friends, you! They don't just get a pass because they're selfish teenagers, it's part of showing people in your life that they matter. And if that means they need to be told very clearly that birthdays must include at the very least: a card, a wrapped gift which the birthday person will enjoy or will bring them joy, a birthday cake with a lit candle on top, and singing happy birthday. Next level up is decorating the home or a room, next level up is booking a meal or and/or activity and/or party.

The basic birthday expectations are: song, card, gift, candle in cake.

The gift can be basic or homemade, it's just essential that there is a gift with some thought. It doesn't have to be expensive, just relevant to the birthday person. They should already know this but it sounds like they need some basic reminders.

@canarywharfs Hope you have a good birthday anyway. Give yourself a little treat of some kind

Happy birthday. Hope you got an outfit. X

Aww happy birthday! Book yourself a treat. I know it feels like your children are of an age that means they could show some interest. But they are ego centric at that age and even though they are teens nearly adults, there brains are actually still not completely formed. It's actually older for boys. One day they will see what you do. You have every right to feel sad, and you should definitely do something just for your self.

Spoilt, selfish brats. Let me wish you a Wonderful Birthday on the day.
😘

Whilst I stand by saying that we don’t do things for our children to get re-paid back, we chose to have them, they did not choose to be put on this earth. I will say that they are being incredibly selfish and should at least make the effort to acknowledge the fact and wish you a Happy Birthday! I would also be upset OP.

You’re not being unreasonable.
I don’t know why we as parents excuse behaves because of what we are told to believe.
‘teenagers are selfish’ - so we should just accept this and suck it up?
I’m sorry, buts not all teenaged are selfish. I’m sure if they got treated how they treat you then they would have something to say.
If you are a good Mum, which you come across you are, you deserve better.
Stop excusing their behaviour.
Plan something without them and go and enjoy yourself 😊.
Happy Birthday. X

My adult son has struggled to make an effort in the last year for my birthday, Christmas and then Mother's Day.
I am difficult but also not difficult to buy for - I send a link to exactly what I would like & keep it to £15/25 so affordable - in fact he tells me that the budget is much higher usually. Then he simply doesn't get it ordered/organised in time /before item out of stock.
I have always made an effort for birthday/Christmas and at Christmas create a grown up version of a stocking

So after the lack of effort this last 12 months I am simply getting 1 item he has asked for and none of the extras I normally do

It's been hard and twice have stopped myself ordering a little something where I thought 'ohh he would like that'

I see it as matching his energy

The lack of effort is what deflates me so I am changing my behaviour and likewise my hopes/expectations

Sadly they sound very spoilt and self entitled because I bet if you didn’t make an effort for their birthday they wouldn’t be happy 🤷🏻‍♀️. My friend was a single mum, with a lousy baby daddy, she worked bloody hard to over compensate holidays, days out birthdays and they were very selfish (more than normal teens) she stopped over compensating and after the initial shock they started to turn around, don’t get me wrong they still are more entitled than most no miracle occured BUT they are much better than they were when my friend hit breaking point.

it’s the only way forward im afraid they are old enough to know better but think they need to experience disappointment to appreciate that you too have feelings.

I’m not single but my husband is useless at things like that, well he was, this year he exceeded himself but that’s because I also stopped going all out for his last birthday and he did notice 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

This! I never forgot my mums bday since the age of 7ish! This is really unacceptable behaviour and why shud you go all out for theirs when they can even get you a card or out of bed! Really bad.

Don't be manipulated by her tears.
I think you are being.
You do them no favours by letting them think that crying is the go to manipulation when you are selfish.
Far better that you head out and enjoy your day.
Your children are selfish and they see you as very soft.
You will do them a huge favour if you show them that no love is finite, and people can get the ick if they are taken for granted.
Enjoy your evening.

Teenage is often a selfish age - something to do with needing to find their places in the world perhaps.

You have done a great job of making them feel that your love for them is a solid secure thing. They don't have to work at keeping it and have no fear of losing it.
This is good - for them.

Your next lesson for them is showing that people you don't have to work at 'winning' are still worth the attention and outward signs of love.

As suggested above, perhaps start by being active in looking after yourself and show them that you know your own worth. (You do need to find independence for yourself and take pleasure in things other then them. This isn't selfish - it is another lesson for them and preparation for their futures.)

I don't think that you can demand an outward show of love from them or insist on presents for presents. (It just causes resentment and makes them feel manipulated or guilty and no human likes that!)

Just stopping presents for them does make a point ...but is likely to be perceived as a petty response.

I do think that you can have a (non confrontational) discussion. Ask them if 'we have decided not to celebrate each other's birthdays etc. in this household?' Make them think about you as equal to them.

Big Happy Birthday Wishes 🎂 🥳 🎉

(See the tears as an attempt at manipulation...there is the whole rest of the day for a response to be made ...a jar of what I love about you slips, thecwjole internet for ideas, it has nothing to do with money, it's about care and effort...teach this OP...match their energy...teach them something important) ❤️

You balked at the idea of having an honest conversation with teenagers who are by the way still children therefore suggesting a more aggressive approach is required. Sounds aggressive to me. As does your line: "So with all due respect, that's bollocks".

I never thought having an honest and vulnerable conversation with teenagers was ever 'bollocks' but each to their own!