Page 13 | It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

canarywharfs · 2026-08-31T15:17:53+00:00

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him. last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too. This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone. My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop. What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you. My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts. Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this. Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated. I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

researchers3 · 31/08/2026 20:54

YeOlde · 31/08/2026 16:58

Book somewhere nice and make them go with you.

No, I wouldn't do this this time.

MaisieMacabe · 31/08/2026 20:50

Yellowishflowers · 31/08/2026 20:48

Your trauma has confused you OP.
They are most certainly not nice children.
You do too much and have taught them to accept and not to give.
They will treat their partners like they treat you.

You need to love them enough to see the truth and take action.
Otherwise you will have raised street angels and horrible selfish house monsters.

Nothing dramatic, just dial it right back.
Still be their mum, but start doing less, saying no at least 50% of the time.

You cannot change them unless they fully want to be better.

By showing them that not everyone will tolerate their selfishness, you are gifting them something of huge value.

Do it while you have the chance.
Happy birthday.

Edited

Good advice 👍🏼

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 31/08/2026 20:49

I think you should spell it out to them. You shouldn’t have to but it appears you do!

I'm a single parent too and my ex is useless. I always make sure the kids have something for him for Father’s Day or his birthday even though I can’t stand him because it’s teaching them to do nice things for others. He would never do the same. One year they did nothing for Mother’s Day- not even a handmade card and they got a right bollocking from me. Never happened again and they put thought into occasions now. I don’t expect them to spend money they don’t have but they can bake something and make a card!

MaisieMacabe · 31/08/2026 20:49

Ifeelold48 · 31/08/2026 20:29

I think you need to take a step back @canarywharfs. On the kids birthdays id get them a card and a token gift. If they kick off I'd tell them that i
thought they weren't really bothered about birthday's seen as they didn't bother with yours and pit no thought into it. Rinse and repeat.

I agree, certainly no more nice weekends away. They're taking you for granted. Time to pull back, and focus on yourself more.

Yellowishflowers · 31/08/2026 20:48

Your trauma has confused you OP.
They are most certainly not nice children.
You do too much and have taught them to accept and not to give.
They will treat their partners like they treat you.

You need to love them enough to see the truth and take action.
Otherwise you will have raised street angels and horrible selfish house monsters.

Nothing dramatic, just dial it right back.
Still be their mum, but start doing less, saying no at least 50% of the time.

You cannot change them unless they fully want to be better.

By showing them that not everyone will tolerate their selfishness, you are gifting them something of huge value.

Do it while you have the chance.
Happy birthday.

MaisieMacabe · 31/08/2026 20:45

FannybygaslightinGovan · 31/08/2026 20:44

When you get your gift from your mum daughter just say thank you, put the gift to the side and carry on with your day spoiling YOURSELF.

I agree. Just do something to please yourself!

MaisieMacabe · 31/08/2026 20:45

Grammarnut · 31/08/2026 20:12

Happy birthday. I am afraid this is standard behaviour for teenagers and children generally. DiL remarked that her DD's boyfriend made more effort than any of her (adult) DC or DGC (except those young enough to be organised by their mother, not their father, DiL's DS). If you want a birthday celebration go do something you love, eat what you like and ignore them...it was ever so...

Edited

No, it's not. Mine never forgot when they were teenagers, nor did my siblings' or friends' DC. It's self centred of them not to care, it's rude and disrespectful.
She's their mother. It's a basic courtesy.

FannybygaslightinGovan · 31/08/2026 20:44

When you get your gift from your mum daughter just say thank you, put the gift to the side and carry on with your day spoiling YOURSELF.

GeorgeA12 · 31/08/2026 20:38

It sucks OP. But I wish you a very happy birthday for tomorrow and hope you can go something nice for yourself 😊.

Ifeelold48 · 31/08/2026 20:29

I think you need to take a step back @canarywharfs. On the kids birthdays id get them a card and a token gift. If they kick off I'd tell them that i
thought they weren't really bothered about birthday's seen as they didn't bother with yours and pit no thought into it. Rinse and repeat.

Original poster

canarywharfs · 31/08/2026 20:23

Mirandawrongs · 31/08/2026 20:12

Where are you based op?

lets arrange a very unmumsnet brunch.
We’ll drink Bellinis and eat cake!

if you’re near central London I’m in!

Aww thank you so much but im up north. I was in London at the weekend - hence my username as ‘canary wharf’ - just the first thing that came to mind.

Your offer has more than made my day though so thank you very much for that!

OP posts:

hourspassed · 31/08/2026 20:23

I am so sorry OP.

Assuming you have a day off tomorrow with no work or anything I would 100% take myself out for the day and bugger the lot of them!

Get yourself dressed in something that makes you feel lovely and spend the day doing things you enjoy; brunch, shopping, stroll around a gallery or museum, visit a bookshop or just wander around your local town. You can have a lovely time on your own and do things you want to do with no compromise. Just suit yourself.

I'd be tempted to spend some of the money I was saving for my DCs birthdays too! Sod them OP. Treat yourself. Hope you have a lovely birthday tomorrow whatever you decide to do 💐

LilytheThink · 31/08/2026 20:20

First of all, Happy Birthday!!
Second- Teenagers are very self centred, undoubtedly. But also, if they’ve been brought up believing that they’re the most important thing in the world they’ll happily believe it, so that’s how they’ll behave ie they see you as being there for them but with no need for reciprocation. It sounds like they don’t have to take responsibility for anything much, as you sort it all for them.
Talk to them, remind them that they are part of a family and you are not there just to service their needs. You expect some respect and consideration. And start drawing boundaries and giving consequences. It’ll be tough to do, but will be good for them as well as you.

Bootsand · 31/08/2026 20:19

Hatty65 · 31/08/2026 16:28

Sit them down and tell them both, 'I am really upset that neither of you seem to think that my birthday matters. If you make no effort for me, please be aware that the same effort will happen on your birthday. It's time for you to realise that you treat other people the way you expect to be treated, or you'll find that they don't bother with you'.

I don't expect it will make much difference to them initially - so if you wake up tomorrow and they don't say happy birthday or give you anything then I would take myself off for the day and do my own thing. Don't be there at teatime - treat yourself to a meal somewhere else and don't answer your phone.

And certainly don't bother say happy birthday, or buy a card/presents on your DD 16th and your DS 18th.

I genuinely mean this. It's the only way they will stop being utterly self centred.

I agree with this. They need to know how you feel otherwise they will grow up thinking the world revolves around them and you are just there to be of service.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TOMORROW!! Can you take yourself off to a spa and then a meal? Get yourself a stand out takeaway, a gorgeous slice of cake with some candles and don't share any of it with the kids 😂

AtLeastIDidntUseASpoon · 31/08/2026 20:16

Happy Birthday for tomorrow!

Sorry your teens are ignoring your birthday.

Not all teens are selfish, I think people are too quick to excuse their poor behaviour as normal teen behaviour. It’s not normal, they should be picked up on it.

I was raised by a single mum (no dad on the scene), I always made sure to make a card or present. When I was older and had my own money from pocket money or from a Saturday job, I always made sure to get a card and presents. It might have been small or cheaper but I put effort into it.

I still make a fuss at birthdays & Christmas, I don’t tend to buy generic gifts, I put thought into it and get gifts that I know she’ll like or appreciate. I guess I’ve always put effort into gifts for others, I always thought it was because I was raised by a single mum and we never had a lot of money, so valued what we gave each other as we had made it or put thought into it.

Hopefully they’ll grow up and be more thoughtful.

I hope you have a good day tomorrow regardless.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 31/08/2026 20:13

Luckypoppy · 31/08/2026 16:23

Have you sat them down and told them how it makes you feel? I know you shouldn’t have to but in this case I’d lay my cards on the table and tell them. Give them the option of having the less fuss for their birthdays if it doesn’t matter to them. You are shaping their adulthood now. Call a compulsory family meeting.

Birthdays with my parents and sister are always family events. We always get together and we are nearly in our 50s!

Sending you big birthday wishes.

I like this. “You are almost grown and it’s time to start taking responsibility. Acknowledging your own mother’s birthday is not a lot to ask. If you don’t want to do birthdays anymore then we stop all gifts etc from now on”

Grammarnut · 31/08/2026 20:12

Happy birthday. I am afraid this is standard behaviour for teenagers and children generally. DiL remarked that her DD's boyfriend made more effort than any of her (adult) DC or DGC (except those young enough to be organised by their mother, not their father, DiL's DS). If you want a birthday celebration go do something you love, eat what you like and ignore them...it was ever so...

Mirandawrongs · 31/08/2026 20:12

Where are you based op?

lets arrange a very unmumsnet brunch.
We’ll drink Bellinis and eat cake!

if you’re near central London I’m in!

Original poster

canarywharfs · 31/08/2026 20:12

Anarchy99 · 31/08/2026 20:00

Affection and caring isn’t the same as physical affection though. If you need hugs, please find another option. Kindly, your childhood is something for you to unravel, not them. They may be selfish but expecting hugs from them if it’s not their thing is horrible.

I adore my parents but if they insisted on hugs then I would be reluctant to spend time with them. I hate being touched at all. We dont tell each other we love them because there is no need, we all know.

It sounds like they find you needy - making them say they love you back etc isn’t fair on them. I know you mean well but please don’t do this esp if you have daughters.

Show quote history

I did 2 years worth of therapy. I know exactly why I am the way I am 100%. I don’t necessarily put it on my children to fix my childhood trauma but I will admit I have spent too much time making sure they don’t experience what I did.

i can’t hug my mum - even though she does a lot for me, hugging her is just a no. My dad im better with now but he also likes a hug - and through therapy I’ve forgiven him for his mistakes. I’m thankful to him as he also realises his mistakes and now has time for me and my kids. He is the grandad to my kids that I needed as a dad and that means the world.

I will read my post back to see where I have said ‘I make them say I love you’ back….i tell my kids I love them but I don’t force them to say it back.

OP posts:

Henhipster · 31/08/2026 20:08

Hatty65 · 31/08/2026 16:28

Sit them down and tell them both, 'I am really upset that neither of you seem to think that my birthday matters. If you make no effort for me, please be aware that the same effort will happen on your birthday. It's time for you to realise that you treat other people the way you expect to be treated, or you'll find that they don't bother with you'.

I don't expect it will make much difference to them initially - so if you wake up tomorrow and they don't say happy birthday or give you anything then I would take myself off for the day and do my own thing. Don't be there at teatime - treat yourself to a meal somewhere else and don't answer your phone.

And certainly don't bother say happy birthday, or buy a card/presents on your DD 16th and your DS 18th.

I genuinely mean this. It's the only way they will stop being utterly self centred.

This! Although it sounds harsh, what an impact it would have when one of them is bleating “ it’s my birthday, where are my presents?” You could respond “ Oh, from your example on my special day, I understood we don’t celebrate birthdays in this family”
Immature in a way but honestly, this is atrocious to hear. As a single parent myself, mine did try even when they were too young to have any money. On my 40th, immediately after a police incident of domestic violence, my eldest, aged 9 gave me a notebook of his own with a loving inscription in it. There’s absolutely no excuse! Please don’t be crushed, we all wish you well. X

Original poster

canarywharfs · 31/08/2026 20:05

Update - my mum has just turned up with dd, had no idea she went out. My mum had called dd an hour ago to double check that they had got something for my birthday as she too was under the impression that dd was going with her friend shopping. Obviously dd said no so my mum picked her up and took her to Asda to get me something.

Not sure what to do now….if my mum hadn’t called then neither do them would have got me anything.

My mum is a complete people pleaser - absolutely no chance she would have told the dc they need to do better. She’s a fixer but never tried to resolve anything. She just came in and told me not to look in the cupboard under the stairs.

still feel crap about the situation- although grateful to my mum. Will
see how the dc are in the morning.

Ive always hated my birthday since being with my ex as he would always find a way to ruin it. My day was never about me. Then at Christmas I was always cheated on etc….ont Christmas it also came out that my dad was having an affair.

i still live Christmas and everything that comes with it as the day isn’t solely about me. My birthday can do one….painful memories and then this overwhelming guilt that I want to feel just a little bit special.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2026 20:01

canarywharfs · 31/08/2026 19:22

It is one of my DCs birthday in October, I will absolutely think of the best way to tackle this. Funnily enough, she’s been sending me things she wants for her birthday for the last 2 months - none of which I have bought yet or even looked at.

this post has helped as I can actually view my children from an outside perspective and not as their mother.

They are being thoughtless, but as their Mum, you should be celebrating their birthday. They are still minors and not earning properly (if at all). I think that you need to expand your life with your friends and not depend do much on them. This especially applies to hugs. You told your Mum not to bother, but then are disappointed. When it was my birthday at home with my youngest, I planned a takeaway, got a cake etc, but I had the choice of film. They aren't going to make up for your childhood or lack of partner.

Anarchy99 · 31/08/2026 20:01

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/08/2026 19:52

They must have learnt this is acceptable from you no matter how rubbish their Dad is. I know that sounds harsh but address it now before they act this crap with partners and their own children.

It sounds more complex than just birthdays though - OP is quite dependent on them and that’s not good for anyone

Anarchy99 · 31/08/2026 20:00

canarywharfs · 31/08/2026 19:52

oh I don’t ask to hug them all the time. I respect their boundaries and realise that they are not people who like hugs. It is difficult as I am - again purely because I was never hugged as a child and not having a partner…..sometimes I need a hug from someone. But definitely in the last 2 years, I’ve stopped trying to get any affection from them.

Show quote history

Affection and caring isn’t the same as physical affection though. If you need hugs, please find another option. Kindly, your childhood is something for you to unravel, not them. They may be selfish but expecting hugs from them if it’s not their thing is horrible.

I adore my parents but if they insisted on hugs then I would be reluctant to spend time with them. I hate being touched at all. We dont tell each other we love them because there is no need, we all know.

It sounds like they find you needy - making them say they love you back etc isn’t fair on them. I know you mean well but please don’t do this esp if you have daughters.

FannybygaslightinGovan · 31/08/2026 19:58

Pull back and treat them the way they treat you. They'll soon notice and wonder what the hell is going on.

No birthday gifts, one small christmas gift each and buy yourself lots of things to make up for the years you've had nothing

Selfish wee gits.

Amd just to add, I was spoiled as a child but I always made a fuss of my mum for her birthdays. It was my way of saying thank you for everything she has done for me throughout the years.