AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

Does your mother pay towards these luxuries she feels the children are missing out on? People are experts on what other people should spend their money on.

Absolute cheeky fuckery on your sisters behalf.

imagine if we all went around expecting other people to pay for things we wanted and liked but couldn’t afford ourselves.

Live within your means, have the children you can afford to raise and don’t expect hand outs your whole life.

What you did for her older children was beyond generous and kind and she’s absolutely wild to be asking you to continue this favour for her youngest children.

Honestly the more I think about it the cheekier it gets. Those are two of the most expensive hobbies going.

I can't believe your husband is even up for it. I'd be embarrassed to ask. DH is by far the bigger earner in our house.

I think its a definite No, as someone pointed out over the years it will be tens of thousands, yes the kids will enjoy them but really at the end of it they'll have nothing to show for it.
Learning to ride but no means of maintaining a pony. And few really keep dance going to adulthood.

😳your DM's expectations of what you 'should' pay for is rather staggering. She'd have you bankrolling the lot of them if she had her way! Bloody cheek!

My dh cousin recently visited and told Mil, dh and myself how she was struggling with her 3 children. How she couldn't afford bringing them on a holiday (we had just gone on one) and how none of her teens have ever been on a flight anywhere. I felt sorry for her and I think Mil wanted to contribute but my dh did a spreadsheet with all her incomes and known outgoings (salary, cms, money from renting out 2 properties she own vs mortgage etc - she had been very detailed) . And in the end she has got as much as us but is a big spender (has 2 cars-why?) and has chosen to put her 3 teens in private school (ex pays half but still) so Mil decided not to give anything in the end.

The ONLY situation I would say its ok to pay is if its instead of Christmas/Birthday presents.
But overall its an incredibly cheeky request.

It’s very easy to be generous with other peoples time and money.

My SIL used to try and get us to pay for things for her kids as they were ‘struggling’. Except they weren’t, they were just spending all their money. My MIL tried to push us to pay for some lessons and eventually paid them herself. It didn’t happen again as DH pointed out to her the reason they were skint is they had spent £2k on a single night (yes £2k) out.

There are many many cheaper activities they can do. You still have financial obligations to your children.

It sounds like your mum is the driving force for these CF expectations!

You describe her as sensible, but that’s not how she is coming across? Was she like this as you were growing up-expecting other people to pay for stuff that she couldn’t afford??

I see now why you don't want to pay for the younger DC hobbies, your Sister would be happy to take thousands and thousands from you for private schooling and university tuition and still expect more. Your DM wants her DC to have equal lives but it's not your job to make up to anyone. Tell them both in future your money is tied up elsewhere

Your mum has some strange expectations of you! Ignore her input. Smile and do as you like. You are very kind but now your own kids are independent you need to prioritise yourself. Tell your sister no, you can’t pay for the hobbies as you are paying uni fee, saving for travel and retirement, if you need to give a reason at all. She has a partner now. Offer to buy some of the kit the kids need at Christmas instead.

I think if you were currently paying for sister’s older children’s hobbies there would be an argument for also paying fir the younger ones, but it sounds like the older ones are past this now so expecting you to commit to many years of expensive hobbies that your children aren’t doing is shocking CFery.

I think paying maybe as Christmas or birthday presents would be a generous gesture if it doesn’t leave you short. A 3 and 4 year old don’t need more stuff so this could be a way forward. But no obligation of course.

A friend of mine who earns well finds her siblings see her as a free bank which makes her sad, must be difficult to feel taken advantage of.

Your sister and mother have been led to ask to use you financially because in the past, for your own reasons, you were happy to be generous with her first two children. At least that’s how they saw it in their minds.

They are both very wrong to ask. It suggests that your money was something they relied on when your sister was planning to have two more children and that must feel incredibly entitled and inappropriate.

So yes, I understand the injustice of that ‘expecation’ on you now.
YANBU to feel the burden of that at all. It feels she is taking advantage of your hard work and family/career planning choices.

It would have been much better a gift, to have been freely and generously offered by you as it was before. However that idea was never in your mind as a gift at all as it must have been in your sister and mum’s minds. So it feels quite shocking to you now.

The fact is, didn’t offer it as a gift to her first two children for their sakes or to make them happy or to give them opportunities they wouldn't otherwise have been able to have, you clearly state that you offered it for nothing other than it would enhance the experience for your own two children.
I can’t help feeling that that part of this story feels a bit cold-hearted to me OP.

It’s good that you have made your decision so that your mum, sister and all her children will know where they stand, and not ask again.

Well it looks like we were both right.
Dance & Riding two of the most expensive hobbies going.

Oh the cheek.

Can’t believe your sister has the nerve to ask! You did a lovely thing for her children but this is the definition of “give someone an inch and they will take a mile”. She obviously knows this was a kind thing you did years ago so her children could do something with their cousins and you can’t be expected to do it again.

If you have a lot more money and you want to spend it on your nieces and nephews then the normal thing would be to spend a bit more and Christmas or treat them to a day out throughout the year.

So has your mum always been obsessed with things being “fair”, “equal” between you and your sister, even if your work, efforts, or abilities differed? Is that’s what’s going on here?

I'd say this. I earn significantly more than my siblings and they know I am comfortably off. I do pay for some stuff when we are together eg I may pay for a meal or whatever. But I don't go into details about what I've paid for wrt my kids and they don't know my exact financial situation. You may find it best to just ease off the details and be more vague about things.

How do they know that you are covering uni tuition? It sounds like you are over-sharing your personal financial details, OP.

’no’ is a complete sentence and that would be my answer. I can’t bear people that keep popping out kids they can’t afford. Put the money into your own children or even say to her that your financial commitments have change so you can’t afford to do this.

Yeah I didn't see your update about what the hobbies actually were and assumed it was something normal like brownies or a drama club that worked out at a fiver a week in term time.

Correct. And regardless, it's not her money. She's got an incredible nerve tbh. Glad you're saying no.

Yeah, your mum is a huge part of the problem. You need to be clear with her that you don’t want her interference and not comment further.

Your mother is some piece of work OP.
Wake up!

So this isn't her first attempt at being a CF then.

Absolutely right of you to feel as you do and to say No.