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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

547 replies

SheGood · 30/08/2026 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
B9waiting · 31/08/2026 10:51

Franjipanl8r · 31/08/2026 01:54

I’d just be honest, tell her it feels like she’s taking the piss and taking you for granted. The time to ask if you’d fund 2 more of her kids lifestyles was before she had 2 more, not afterwards.

This! Shockingly cheeky of her & I’d worry that she’d continually come back for more.

EnglishRose26 · 31/08/2026 10:50

Absolutely not a chance in hell. Your sister is one hell of a CF!!

MyFavouritePlace · 31/08/2026 10:46

For me it would depend on the amounts and how long these hobbies are likely to go on for. It sounds like you can afford to spend some money so maybe you offer £x to help and see how things go.
I wouldn't like the expectation from her that you should be doing the funding..

thenightsky · 31/08/2026 10:42

Absolutely do not pay! Cheeky mare. Tell her to ask the kid's father's family.
Also, what if you start paying and they don't lose interest like the first 2 did, but want to carry on into adulthood? You'd be on the hook for life. Shock

WiltedLettuce · 31/08/2026 10:42

Separate the two issues.

Your sister has some cheek and clearly you don't have to fund the younger children's hobbies because you paid for the older ones to do things with their cousins.

Separately, what would you be happy to do for your little nieces/nephews out of family love and because otherwise they'll miss out, not having had the good fortune to be born to particularly financially responsible parents. Now that the older ones are young adults, maybe it's become apparent that actually putting some money aside for the smaller ones in a savings account that they can access at 18 when they're starting out in life and need some resources might be a better use of money than funding their hobbies, and it would be better for your sister to access free/low cost activities for them?

Grumpyoldcat · 31/08/2026 10:40

If you want to contribute it should have been at your suggestion. She shouldnt have assumed or asked. Her other half needs to find a better paid job.

tripleginandtonic · 31/08/2026 10:40

They're your neices and nephews and I would want to treat them all the same so I think yabu. Its not their fault they were born but they are family.

HouseBee · 31/08/2026 10:38

@SheGood the firstbtime around, did the children know you were the ones paying?

I can totally see why you’re annoyed. She is a CF really.
I can also see why you’d still want to say Yes - fir tge younger dcs sake.
In which case, I’d want it to be very clear it’s a gift from you (and your dh). Maybe like ‘here is a birthday present from @SheGood’

Thecreality though is that her first dcs got a certain childhood, the next too will have a dufferent exierience. Down to age difference, the fact she is now married etc etc.

BusyMum47 · 31/08/2026 10:38

Epdrenching · 30/08/2026 23:01

Rude, cheeky and exceptionally entitled.
I wouldn't dream of entertaining this.
She's a CF, to put it mildly.

I agree - not a chance!! Tell her she’s being a cheeky cow!!

OttersOnAPlane · 31/08/2026 10:31

Bumcake · 31/08/2026 09:21

Read paragraph 2.

She shouldn’t have asked, but if you can afford it then maybe you could pay in lieu of Christmas or birthday gifts? Seems a shame for the kids to miss out if it’s something they’d enjoy.

Yes, I know OP's mum "can't afford it."

As she's mighty quick off the mark spending OP's money, perhaps she could instead reassess her own financial priorities to pay for her grandchildren's hobbies rather than dumping expectations on their aunt.

I think the OP's mum is being outrageous to think it's not on the children's parents (or even grandparents) to fund hobbies.

EatingSky · 31/08/2026 10:27

You shouldn’t feel obliged to pay for her children. That’s where this begins and ends for me - the expectation this is your obligation rather than a generous gift you CHOOSE to give would be the end for me. No sorry sis, this is a completely different situation, you had two more children and the responsibility to pay for them is yours and their dad’s.

bananaobama · 31/08/2026 10:26

Surely her choice to have 4 kids is nobody else’s financial burden to bear

cant believe the brass neck of some people

godmum56 · 31/08/2026 10:26

wow. Cheeky and entitled much?

bananaobama · 31/08/2026 10:24

CF alert

tell her you already paid for 4 kids so now it’s her turn to stump up

Redpaisley · 31/08/2026 10:24

saraclara · 30/08/2026 23:56

My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

A grandparent should treat them as the same, so she's right on that. But an aunt doesn't have to, especially when there was a good reason to pay last time, which doesn't apply to these two.

Can you get round it by buying their courses for the kids' Christmas presents?

Edited

A grandparent should treat them as the same, so she's right on that.

But that’s not what OP’s mum said. She is guilt tripping Op, which I don’t think is right.

Ethelspagetti · 31/08/2026 10:21

Gosh I wouldn’t be happy that she assumed I’d pay infinitely. So if she went on to have 4 more children, she would just tell you to pay?! It’s a bit grabby of her! I think I’d text, I was happy to pay last time as it meant they could bond with their cousins. I just wanted them to spend time together and knew you couldn’t afford it. I was worried yours would feel left out. I’m glad they did it together, as they spent a lot of time bonding over it which was lovely. However it is not the same situation this time as your children would not be doing it with mine. Perhaps we can think of another way for them to bond together?

MargotGobby · 31/08/2026 10:20

Your mum’s logic makes no sense. So before doing a kindness and helping one child out, you were meant to extrapolate and work out if you could afford for four, six etc children to do exactly the same for a decade. No one would ever help anyone

RockinCara · 31/08/2026 10:15

It is very cheeky of her, and I’d reply to her that it feels pretty cheeky of her to ask. Tell her that you did it previously because your kids were the same age and it was good company for them, and also because she didn’t have a partner at that time.
Could you perhaps say you’ll pay for the kids to do the activity as a birthday and Christmas present?

dudsville · 31/08/2026 10:11

JustChillin70 · 31/08/2026 08:53

What would you do if one of the kids had a flair for it and could be very competitive? The costs for most hobbies can rise exponentially once they get to a competitive level?

There are a lot of what if type possibilities here. What if one of them died or got bullied, or, or, or, from doing the thing. OP implied that this is not a hardship financially, so I'm just saying that I would do it from that perspective.

Vulturesoverhead · 31/08/2026 10:10

Kalanthe · 31/08/2026 09:39

Plenty of families in the UK can't afford expensive activities for their children, I wouldn't exactly call it child suffering

I don’t call it child suffering either!

SunsetDrifter · 31/08/2026 10:09

Why has she chosen to have not 1 but 2 more children when she can't afford them? If she wanted them to do activities maybe if she'd just had 1 more she could afford it. Granted children's activities are not essential, it's something you pay for if you can afford it/you plan your family size around what you'd like to provide.

If your sister wanted her youngest to have a certain lifestyle she should have made sure she had the means to pay for it. It's just cheeky her asking and expecting you to fund it. I'd say no and explain you paid for the others as they attended with your children, had you not had similar aged children you wouldn't have funded it back then either. They aren't your children, the only person who should feel guilty in all this is your sister who has had more children than she can provide for.

user1471538283 · 31/08/2026 10:07

No by treating all the children the same it means your children or grandchildren not all your nieces and nephews over hobbies! By generous paying for your older nieces or nephews it was because you wanted your children to be with their cousins.

We all want for our DC. We all then pay for it.

nnojoko · 31/08/2026 10:04

These are not children you are raising nor supporting. They have two working parents doing that job - and that’s not you and your husband. If they want certain things for their children, they must find other means for providing instead of making you the plan if they cannot live within their own means.

Your generosity decades ago was just that. It was not a contract to maintain or provide for your sister’s family. You both made your own choices in life and are managing accordingly. Your circumstances in life did not arise by you taking away from your sister to have a comfortable life. You are now both adults with your own households and families. The days of sharing as siblings are long gone!

Your family budget should by no means include supporting a family you have not adopted or maintain children you are not raising unless you are willingly giving to charity.

Negroniextra · 31/08/2026 10:00

OttersOnAPlane · 30/08/2026 23:06

"We paid for A & B's hobbies so the cousins could do activities together. That's not the situation for C & D. You'll need to pay for your children's activities yourselves."

100% this. How cheeky!!!

Munchyseeds2 · 31/08/2026 09:59

It's grandparents who should treat grandchildren the same in my mind.
You are not obliged to pay for your sisters kids in any way