AIBU to question a pool asking my four-year-old daughter to cover up?

My main takeaway from this is that a few things can be true at once.

While it is fine and totally normal for you, as her mother, to feel that other people could be sexualising your daughter and to be uncomfortable with it, I personally feel that this laissez-faire approach ignores one (rather big) problem, and that is there absolutely WILL be people that will sexualise your daughter, or any children for that matter. Unfortunately, people with a sexual interest in babies and children co-exist around us, it is a hidden desire that often no one ever finds out about, so to ignore this simple fact is, frankly, a bit naive.

I would also question why you would be going out of your way to ensure that she doesn't have a top on, but that is just my personal opinion.

Ultimately, if such a policy exists then it is there for a reason, and I would guess that the member of staff was just doing their best to enforce it. You don't have to like and, but you do have to adhere to it if you want to continue to swim there with your children.

Does the UK just not have tankinis at all, then?

Can we quit pretending that there’s absolutely nothing inherently sexual about adult female breasts, and that they’d be just fleshy feedbags if it weren’t for “men sexualising them”? I breastfed two kids and I’m the last person who’ll ever say that breasts are always sexual, but they do have a sexual aspect. Nipples are made of erectile tissue and both men and women feel sexual arousal when they’re stimulated in a a sexual context, in a way that we aren’t stimulated by, say, having our foreheads or our noses touched. Also, I think it’s stigmatizing to lesbians and bisexual women (I’m bisexual) to act like any attraction they feel towards breasts is some kind of pervy fetish.

A one piece costume isn’t hard to remove though, you peel it down

The point people are making is that this varies by location and age.

people have said that in Europe it’s fine. So in Europe it’s ok.

some people have said that in Germany bikini bottoms are a costume for both children and adults and so it’s culturally ok for adult women to go topless there.

other people have said that in the uk their swimming pool have made rules that bits and girls both need to cover their chests.

so
This is cultural issue and it varies between cultures
within cultures there are different ages at which girls are usually expected to wear tops or a one piece

and in any case on private property or in a council owned swimming pool they can set what rules they like and if you don’t want to stick to them you don’t go.

so many French pools have rules about men’s swimming attire (and enforce them). English pools also have rules about swimming attire and enforce them.

i’m not going to go to France and try to change a whole culture around pool swimming attire - I’m just going to tell my son or husband and they can choose whether to go or not,

in the same way in the uk it is generally expected at an indoor pool in a child who is out of nappies that if female they wear a one piece or top.

the lady who worked there was pointing this out to the op (in a much more polite way than the French can be about male attire!), and yes it’s different for different sexes, and yes it’s different in different countries and yes it was different in different places (beach, splash pad, etc) and yes it was different in the past but those are the rules now and in that place.

Not a prude or sexulising

I totally get what you’re saying and it’s up to you and her. But personally I’d have my four year old girl wearing a top. She getting to the age where I think u should teach her about covering up. I’m not a pride or secualising children but sadly in this world there are pervs hiding in plain sight

You aren't wrong to have her topless and I know it's normal in many European countries. I'm Canadian and it's not normal here so that's a factor in my perspective.

I would cover her up incase there are any pedos out there. Yes, most people aren't, and most aren't attracted to kids that young but some are and I certainly wouldn't want them looking at my kid. Some glasses can also record what people look at too.i don't think it is sexualizing perse, but an instinct to protect kids from creeps looking at them.

I have a 4 year old and the only 'struggle' is trying to get a costume off quick when she wants a wee and to rush back to the fun.....so I buy the shorts and t shirts swimwear. I personally find the idea of a bikini or crop top on my 4 year old to be far more sexulising.

For what its worth I also have an almost 2 year old. He wears a sunsuit style costume and Ive picked a shorts and t shirt style costume in the next size up to help with potty training/newly trained phase.

Weve spent much of the summer in and out of pools and most of the boys have had covered chests. In fact I think Ive seen more uncovered chests on both sexes of children in splash parks where its been hot and they've not had swimwear at all.

But bikini bottoms ARE a swimming costume!
She is wearing a swimming costume, exactly the same as a 4 year old boy wearing just swimming briefs would be! If they had the same length hair nobody would be able to tell the difference.

I think the world has gone mad.

They can wear just bottoms, full suits, skin suits or swimming burkhas, they are toddlers, the aim is to learn to swim, exercise and have fun. Its not a fashion parade, or page 3 photo shoot. Comfort and safety is the priority,

They are toddlers with nipples not boobs, from a chest perspective, there is no difference in appearance from male or female, bottoms or swimsuits, it doesn't matter. I can see the argument that bikini's are sexualising but it’s a toddler!

Once they hit school, then time for proper swimwear

“ do this to little girls” what dress tjem appropriately and correctly for swimming and don’t claim it to be a struggle to remove a 1 piece swimming costume? I feel we do right by our children

Little ones don’t wear pants only. When I took my under 1 year old
swimming or on holiday she wore a full wetsuit as she’s grown to a 4 year old she now wears a swimming costume. I would simply put your child in a full swimming costume for the sake of an extra couple of minutes taking something wet off and I personally don’t see how it’s so so difficult to remove a wet swimming costume.
i have a family member with an autistic 7 year old non verbal and a 18 month old baby and you bet she doesn’t struggle to put or take off her daughters swimming costume and her babies.

I'll add that a friend had to deal with the opposite issue. A young family member felt more comfortable wearing board shorts and a rash vest at school swimming lessons. The school insisted that she had to wear a one piece - only boys could wear the shorts and vest.

My friend complained and her relative was allowed to wear the shorts and vest.

Policy said appropriate swimwear and she was in appropriate swimwear - all relevant bits covered.

Lets see how long a policy which says young girls must have their tops covered, but boys are fine not to lasts.

My kids were never queried in their speedos in a normal pool, because it's normal swimwear - any pool where there is sport there will be plenty of guys in them - my kids learned to swim in a pool that was also shared with a water-polo team for instance.

A pp mentioned the Coppertone ads.

One which featured on American tv in 1965 showed both a little boy and a little boy. It's readily available online. The little girl was Jodie Foster, three years old at the time. It was her first acting job.

Times do seem to have changed. I spent the summer holidays running about in shorts and sandals when I was a little girl in the '60s.

She didn’t pick a fight, she told you to dress your daughter in regulation swimwear, presumably as per their policy.

Your school uniform is not sopping wet when you take it off. Wet clothing clings to the skin and some children are extremely wriggly and ticklish. Pp also has a younger child to wrangle and is sensibly thinking how to make life simpler.

My recollection is that the song was first used in a school in an African village where there had been a severe problem with attacks on women and girls. It went viral a few years ago.

It seems that it's now being used elsewhere.

But not the norm in a UK indoor pool which is where op was and why it was queried.

My kids learned to swim elsewhere, and as a result, when they were younger considered speedos and swimming hats the appropriate swimwear - they wouldn't have considered wearing the big baggy shorts until they got older and more used to UK norms.

Tiny pants are completely appropriate swimwear for either sex.

I actually don't think so, I think if she's been wearing shorts rather than tiny pants it would never have been mentioned and I think any child in just pants would have caused comment

It is normal dress code because of sexualisation. It is so subconscious.