AIBU to question a pool asking my four-year-old daughter to cover up?

Why are you implying the woman insisted on a bikini top? It was one option. A one piece swimsuit or rash vest would not be sexualising her

YANBU OP. If it’s completely unremarkable for a 4yo boy to be topless then there’s zero reason except prudishness for a 4yo girl to feel obligated to wear a top. Their upper bodies at that stage of development are literally indistinguishable.

I think you’re right and yet I can also see that it could cause a reaction. It’s a very grey area. If your child was a baby crawling around in a nappy no one would give a crap, but because she now looks conventionally more female she needs to cover her nipples.

My 10yo DS had very long hair until very recently. He wore his hair in a high bun, swim shorts and no rash vest for swimming lessons, and I heard a couple of parents say something about “the girl without a top on” (in context, like “Jenny is there, next to the girl without a top on”) Which just goes to show that pre-pubescent kids are totally gender-indistinguishable and it’s just mad old fashioned sexism that insists on young girls covering their top halves- so you do you I guess?

on the other hand, I wouldn’t have reacted in the way you did I don’t think….

I don't think it's a problem to have your 4yo dd topless in the pool, mine occasionally was at that age, but to avoid funny comments I'd put her in boyish shorts next time. But your attitude to the staff member really sucked and I'm amazed you're even complaining to head office about what is basically a societal expectation.

Yanbu for the actual lack of top. Yabvu for your comment to the staff member.

Oh for goodness sake! The OP didn't accuse anyone of being a peadophile! Expecting a four year old to wear a bikini top to cover her non-existent breasts is sexualising her. At four years old, sex really shouldn't matter one way or another. I'd definitely complain to Nuffield Health OP.

I think your points are fair op, a girl’s 4yr old body isn’t different to a boys one on the top half at that age, I think the staff member was unreasonable to pull you up on it.

On the other hand, like pps have said, I feel some discomfort at the idea that’s hard to put my finger on. Perhaps because by her age I was already giving little messages about our private parts being private, and for girls that is chest bum and genital area. Obviously there is nothing there now but my instinct is that it’s better for them to know from the start this is a more private area.

Excuse my ignorance, but what is a hijab for?

Yes I agree.

It just seems a bit off. I’ve never heard of all this faffing and wrestling in regards to a swimming costume.

YANBU.

Maybe next time just say she's a boy.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a 4 year old with no top on, you shouldn’t have been challenged on that.

However the choice of clothing being based on the difficulty of ‘wrestling’ a 4 year old out of other swimwear is off - a normal one piece swimsuit (for indoor swimming, no arms) is straightforward to get on and off, your 4 year old should be fully capable of that herself

Wearing a swim top would not in any way stop her from being a kid so your strong belief need not worry

expecting fine - but insisting isn't.

It does, scroll down on the page you are on and it shows the ‘set’ - rash vest and hat. You can get matching bikini tops for the other swim bottom sets in the site too

But why? She doesn't have boobs.

Sorry posted original comment too soon 🤦‍♀️! Nothing on the H&M website shows a matching top, but happy for you to link it.

why did she need to be wearing a swim top?

Nothing on the H&M website shows a matching top.

I voted yanbu because I don’t think a 4 year old should have to wear a swim top, or that the staff member should have confronted you.

However, I do wonder how difficult it really is just to put her in a costume. Rightly or wrongly it is the norm in the UK for women and girls to wear a bikini or one piece swimsuit. She is coming up to school age and I think if it was my child I’d just put a swimsuit on her. They are comfortable and fine imo.

What happened in the end was she allowed in?

My DD often wore just swim shorts at that age. Nobody said anything to me or her. I don't know if it's sexualisation necessarily, it's just people reacting instinctively without thinking too hard about why there would be a difference between a 4 year old boy without a top and a 4 year old girl.

They do have matching top you can buy with them. Obviously nobody has to buy both but the idea is getting the sets to mix and match

In theory, if it is fine for men or boys to not wear a top, it should be fine for women. Clothing should not be tied to sex.

In practice, I might take a stand with myself, but would never do so with my child.

I saw a boy with almost bigger breasts than me in the pool. Nobody told him to cover up.

No they don’t