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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

248 replies

Newforthis26 · 30/08/2026 16:23

My mum is almost 80 and has been in hospital with a UTI.
She lives on her own and has been very confused, she's on the waiting list for the memory clinic and was sent home with carers going in 4 times a day to help with medication and meals.
She wants me to tell the care company that she won't allow any male carers to go in.
I've reassured her that they will do the same as female ones but she won't have it and is currently ringing everyone in the family complaining about it.

So AIBU to say she can't choose the gender of the carers?

OP posts:
Yewlez · 30/08/2026 16:52

Sex, not gender. And yes she can. That's a very reasonable request.

XenoBitch · 30/08/2026 16:51

Soontobe60 · 30/08/2026 16:46

A vulnerable lane woman is perfectly entitled to want same sex carers

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I know.
But many people mentioned personal care when OP has said she wont be getting that.

FKAT · 30/08/2026 16:49

Will posters please read the update from the OP before replying.

friedaklein · 30/08/2026 16:48

It's not intimate care. It's meals and meds.
But many elderly women may still not want strange men in their homes.

countingdowntoschool · 30/08/2026 16:48

Sortingmyself · 30/08/2026 16:35

You mean SEX not gender.

And absolutely YABU!!

I think op knows what she meant, that’s why she put what she meant in the title.

HoppityBun · 30/08/2026 16:47

Rainallnight · 30/08/2026 16:39

It would be a cold day in hell before I’d want male carers as an elderly person

I understand the preference, and it might have been my own, but observing a relative in a nursing home, the most thoughtful and considerate nurse by far was male.

Soontobe60 · 30/08/2026 16:46

XenoBitch · 30/08/2026 16:30

TBF, OP said the carers are there for meals and medication, not personal care.

Show quote history

A vulnerable lane woman is perfectly entitled to want same sex carers

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/08/2026 16:44

You are being thoroughly unreasonable, @Newforthis26 - why should your elderly and vulnerable mum be forced to accept intimate care from males?

It doesn’t matter if you would be comfortable with this, or how nice the male carers would be - it is her choice and you should support her.

ToadRage · 30/08/2026 16:43

I think you should able to request only female carers. For short-term they can't guarantee the same one but they definitely should be able to accommodate a female-only request especially of she needs intimate, personal care like washing and dressing.

katgab · 30/08/2026 16:42

Of course she can. My late mother did. I even asked, in the nicest possible way, a male carer to ask a female carer help her in the toilet when in her care home and he was perfectly nice about it. My mum had no problem with male drs but she was adamant about intimate care not being undertaken by male carers. Given how little was left in life, it wasn’t at all unreasonable to allow her wish and that little bit of dignity. TBH, I would feel the same. Your mum will send the carer packing if she’s not happy with the arrangement. I’m amazed you think your mum is being unreasonable.

Chattanoogachoo · 30/08/2026 16:42

My mother has requested no male carers for personal care, her mealtime slots aren't a problem but she won't accept personal care by male carers.
The agency is are aware of it and apparentlythis is quite common.

Rainallnight · 30/08/2026 16:39

It would be a cold day in hell before I’d want male carers as an elderly person

countingdowntoschool · 30/08/2026 16:39

Sortingmyself · 30/08/2026 16:35

You mean SEX not gender.

And absolutely YABU!!

Does she?

Walkerzoo · 30/08/2026 16:39

She can ask.

Some will be able to accommodate it, some won't. Care companies will be well used to these requests as to those that want a different sex for other reasons.

SecurityConcerns · 30/08/2026 16:37

XenoBitch · 30/08/2026 16:30

TBF, OP said the carers are there for meals and medication, not personal care.

Show quote history

Ah, sorry, missed that!

She still may not feel comfortable with strange men entering her home, though and is not unreasonable to express a preference.
Also, her care needs may change and become more hands on.

countingdowntoschool · 30/08/2026 16:37

I wouldn’t have a male near my vulnerable 80 year old mother. Or any other vulnerable woman for that matter.

Original poster
Newforthis26 · 30/08/2026 16:35

Fantastic thank you all.
Care company have got back to me.
Women only.

OP posts:
Sortingmyself · 30/08/2026 16:35

You mean SEX not gender.

And absolutely YABU!!

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2026 16:35

Yes of course she can request carers of the same sex.

friedaklein · 30/08/2026 16:34

This has got to be a windup.

Ethelrogers · 30/08/2026 16:33

Why would you ever think that someone can’t have a preference for a carer? Of course you can.

bababamama · 30/08/2026 16:33

Yes, care companies can agree to this though in a last minute cover situation they reserve the right to send a man. Far harder to agree this for men due to insufficient male carers.

BillieWiper · 30/08/2026 16:33

You can't choose the opposite sex no. But you can express preference for your own sex. Most people who have intimate care needs, at least at first, probably ask for same sex.

There's a chance they won't have any available. But seeing as I think most carers are female that's unlikely.

C152 · 30/08/2026 16:33

Of course YABU! How can you possibly think otherwise?!

tomatoplants · 30/08/2026 16:33

Of course she can make that request. I would also recommend an independent advocate who can advocate for the needs of her if there are no family members who are willing to do this.

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