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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

248 replies

Newforthis26 · 30/08/2026 16:23

My mum is almost 80 and has been in hospital with a UTI.
She lives on her own and has been very confused, she's on the waiting list for the memory clinic and was sent home with carers going in 4 times a day to help with medication and meals.
She wants me to tell the care company that she won't allow any male carers to go in.
I've reassured her that they will do the same as female ones but she won't have it and is currently ringing everyone in the family complaining about it.

So AIBU to say she can't choose the gender of the carers?

OP posts:
planespotter71 · 30/08/2026 20:00

tourdefrance · 30/08/2026 16:26

She absolutely can request same SEX carers. Many men don't want intimate care from someone of the opposite sex either.

I’m a carer, the men mostly don’t care either way. The women definitely don’t want a man washing them, though usually okay with meal prep at other times

Boreded · 30/08/2026 19:30

Why shouldn’t she choose?

Tel12 · 30/08/2026 19:29

of course she can request female carers

DontBuyAnotherBook · 30/08/2026 19:27

I don't see an issue with her choice?

Millytante · 30/08/2026 19:27

Grumpyoldcat · 30/08/2026 18:54

If she needs or wants the care she will have to put up with whoever arrives.

Yikes

throwaway3749574 · 30/08/2026 19:26

Totally reasonable for her to choose and have that respected by a care agency. TBH it’s much easier than if she was a male requesting a male as unfortunately there are far less male carers.

CurlewKate · 30/08/2026 19:26

Of course she can.

Summerunlover · 30/08/2026 19:25

I have carers every day. And only request female carers. I think you are being really unfair to her. She has told you that she isn’t comfortable with male carers.

Morepositivemum · 30/08/2026 19:25

I’m torn because I probably would rather a woman carer but having seen/ known some of the women in the caring profession (my friend works in it and I’ve met loads of her colleagues over the years) and knowing of instances where they were quite frail, not strong etc, and seeing a lot of the men who would be stronger, I see your point.

SockPlant · 30/08/2026 19:23

Newforthis26 · 30/08/2026 16:23

My mum is almost 80 and has been in hospital with a UTI.
She lives on her own and has been very confused, she's on the waiting list for the memory clinic and was sent home with carers going in 4 times a day to help with medication and meals.
She wants me to tell the care company that she won't allow any male carers to go in.
I've reassured her that they will do the same as female ones but she won't have it and is currently ringing everyone in the family complaining about it.

So AIBU to say she can't choose the gender of the carers?

when you are vulnerable and 80 i hope all your carers are male and you think about your attitude towards your mum

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/08/2026 19:22

If the care involves personal care she can choose. If not, I doubt it.

Livelovebehappy · 30/08/2026 19:22

Grumpyoldcat · 30/08/2026 18:54

If she needs or wants the care she will have to put up with whoever arrives.

She doesn’t..

Livelovebehappy · 30/08/2026 19:21

She can make a request though. If they can, I’m sure they’ll accommodate her. My next door neighbour is a catholic and only wanted someone catholic to care for her at home, and luckily enough they could oblige.

Fiftyandme · 30/08/2026 19:08

YABVVVVU

Millytante · 30/08/2026 18:56

Assuming you refer to sex, then yes, you are entirely unreasonable.
Poor old sausage; what a ghastly thing to have to contemplate at her age, if she has made clear that she wouldn’t be comfortable with a man tending to her.
We all know great doctors can be male of course, but we also use sex-blindness spectacles for certain essential encounters!
But in one’s own home, amid her private environment and with her vulnerable privacy obsessing her, it’d put her on (more?) tablets in a week.
In old age we can let single cares assume vast proportions and consume us, gnaw at us, and it wastes what time we have left in pointless anguish.

Grumpyoldcat · 30/08/2026 18:54

If she needs or wants the care she will have to put up with whoever arrives.

MatronPomfrey · 30/08/2026 18:45

I used to be a nurse and referred people for care packages. One of the questions was if they preferred same sex carers where possible. Your mum is being completely reasonable.

MountainBiker · 30/08/2026 18:32

Gender, no. Sex, yes
I can completely understand why an elderly lady living alone wouldn't want to have a strange man coming in to her house
YABU

MrsOvertonsWindow · 30/08/2026 18:32

countingdowntoschool · 30/08/2026 18:26

I stand corrected, I was concerned men in dresses would have rights.

Show quote history

This is one of the most unpleasant aspects of all this. That elderly people, teenagers and the rest of society have been coerced and bullied into believing that it's unacceptable to want same sex care, same sex spaces when undressing or on a hospital ward.
It's been great to see so many posters stating clearly that of course it's acceptable for an 80 year old woman to ask for same sex care. As it is for the rest of us. Thanks OP for the thread.

JenRummy · 30/08/2026 18:29

Her choice. Why impose an arrangement she would feel uncomfortable with?

countingdowntoschool · 30/08/2026 18:26

Katalica · 30/08/2026 17:16

Yes, if you refer to Gender, there’s always the risk you’d get a bloke prancing about in a dress, pretending to be a female carer.

No-one wants to be hoodwinked into accepting a biological male doing intimate care if they’ve requested a female, so saying female SEX makes it crystal clear.

Show quote history

I stand corrected, I was concerned men in dresses would have rights.

lessglittermoremud · 30/08/2026 18:18

My Husbands Grandmother had carers in towards the end of her life, for all personal care and general assistance she had female carers and would have found it very distressing if a man had tried to help her.
The agency were aware of the request and facilitated it, your Mum isn’t being unreasonable at all.
Edited
Just seen that you’ve managed to speak to the care company, hopefully your mum will feel reassured .

Howmuchisthatparrotinthewindow · 30/08/2026 18:15

For my relative I asked the care company for no male carers for personal care which they agreed to. They still sent men to wash her and get her up in the mornings. My relative did not want a strange man washing her and neither would I quite frankly.

GrouvilleMaLuv · 30/08/2026 18:12

Pinkissmart · 30/08/2026 18:05

My stupid finger voted wrong and it won’t let me change.

Of course she can decide who does personal care for her

You can just click on the other option and your vote will change.