Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

248 replies

Newforthis26 · 30/08/2026 16:23

My mum is almost 80 and has been in hospital with a UTI.
She lives on her own and has been very confused, she's on the waiting list for the memory clinic and was sent home with carers going in 4 times a day to help with medication and meals.
She wants me to tell the care company that she won't allow any male carers to go in.
I've reassured her that they will do the same as female ones but she won't have it and is currently ringing everyone in the family complaining about it.

So AIBU to say she can't choose the gender of the carers?

OP posts:
OverpricedCupcake · 31/08/2026 18:39

And?
I don't want a strange man in my house and Op's Mum is allowed that choice too.

StarCourt · 31/08/2026 18:36

SmallDFartyCarNRG · 30/08/2026 16:25

I don't care what age I am I don't want some guy I barely know washing me. They don't let men feel for weapons at the airport so why let them intimately wash elderly and helpless pensioners?

Op said for medication and meals not intimate washing

DadBodAlready · 31/08/2026 18:22

Are you being serious !!
If your mother wants female carers you move heaven and earth to get her female carers. She has as much right to maintain her dignity as you, I or anyone else.
You actually questioning her right to request female carers is offensive.

ZombieZebra · 31/08/2026 18:05

Your mum’s got the right to choose female only carers if she wants. Just because you’re fine with a man doing intimate care with your mum, it doesn’t mean she has to be 🙄

Aposterhasnoname · 31/08/2026 18:04

Don’t be ridiculous, of course she can chose the SEX of her carers.

SirIsaacNewtonsstringbag · 31/08/2026 18:03

SEX

MissChanandlerBonng · 31/08/2026 18:00

She should absolutely be able to stipulate this.

MNLurker1345 · 31/08/2026 17:51

My DGM had carers at home for many years. She had dementia. She would have been mortified if a male carer turned up.

My mum is in a nursing home, there are male carers there that deal on the whole with male residents. They do not do any of the personal care of female residents.

@Newforthis26 please don’t subject your DM 80, to male careers. Just for her dignity. She is from an older generation and deserves that consideration and respect.

Greenismyfavouritecolournow · 31/08/2026 17:45

Of course she can. I wouldn’t want a male carer. She’s too vulnerable to not have any control over who comes into her home.

dizzydizzydizzy · 31/08/2026 17:44

I wouldn’t want male carers either. In fact, my psychiatrist wrote to my GP to ask them to add to my notes that I should only see female GPs. Apparently this is perfectly normal and reasonable and is a common request.

Wtafdidido · 31/08/2026 17:44

She absolutely can and she should have whatever makes her feel safe in her own home.

Federica1864 · 31/08/2026 17:41

I would absolutely insist on same sex carers if it were me.

Grammarninja · 31/08/2026 17:38

LittleBearPad · 31/08/2026 09:58

So? They are still a stranger in the mother’s home. She is vulnerable.

Show quote history

Fair enough, I was just pointing out that that wasn't what was going to be happening.

smallglassbottle · 31/08/2026 10:03

I wouldn't want to be alone with a man whom I didn't know in the house, if I was vulnerable.

LittleBearPad · 31/08/2026 09:58

Grammarninja · 31/08/2026 07:11

The carer is dispensing medication and giving them meals.

Show quote history

So? They are still a stranger in the mother’s home. She is vulnerable.

Grammarninja · 31/08/2026 07:11

SmallDFartyCarNRG · 30/08/2026 16:25

I don't care what age I am I don't want some guy I barely know washing me. They don't let men feel for weapons at the airport so why let them intimately wash elderly and helpless pensioners?

The carer is dispensing medication and giving them meals.

HomericEpithet · 30/08/2026 21:11

Grumpyoldcat · 30/08/2026 18:54

If she needs or wants the care she will have to put up with whoever arrives.

Person-centred care, where art thou?

TheKeatingFive · 30/08/2026 20:53

countingdowntoschool · 30/08/2026 18:26

I stand corrected, I was concerned men in dresses would have rights.

Show quote history

Well of course they have rights. The same rights as everyone else.

Forcing everyone around them to pretend they are the opposite sex is not a right.

OP of course it’s ok for your mother to want female only carers.

Shatenoeuf · 30/08/2026 20:49

Yabvu, its completely standard to request carers of the same sex, especially if theres intimate care involved.

CinnamonBuns67 · 30/08/2026 20:46

It's reasonable to only want carers of the same sex especially if assisting intimate/personal care. Yes a male carer can do everything a female carer can but it can feel less embarrassing to have someone of the same sex potentially seeing your private parts. I sincerely hope you aren't obstructing the wishes of your DM who is the one thats actually receiving the care.

Alwaysaboutthemission · 30/08/2026 20:44

If she wants female carers - that is her right.

who on earth are you to insist she has an unknown male carer?

you are totally unreasonable to expect her to accept a male carer.

stop being ‘woke’ and help her to have the help she needs from people that she wants.

if you are fine with male carers for yourself (if you need them) that is your prerogative

if she wants a female - then you facilitate that for her.

NewGirlInTown · 30/08/2026 20:43

It’s sex, not gender.
And yes, she absolutely can request female only carers. You should support her wishes.

AngelaP71 · 30/08/2026 20:38

planespotter71 · 30/08/2026 20:00

I’m a carer, the men mostly don’t care either way. The women definitely don’t want a man washing them, though usually okay with meal prep at other times

Show quote history

I've known men who do request same sex care, fewer than the women though. It's obviously a bit harder to facilitate as there are fewer male carers overall, but the effort should certainly be made.

AngelaP71 · 30/08/2026 20:34

Of course she can. This is not an unusual request at all and the agency should make every effort to facilitate it.

TheodoreisntBeth · 30/08/2026 20:31

countingdowntoschool · 30/08/2026 18:26

I stand corrected, I was concerned men in dresses would have rights.

Show quote history

Men in dresses have all the same rights as everyone else. No one has the right to touch someone who doesn't want them to do so, whatever they are wearing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread